Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

divorcing him because of the way he talks to me?

200 replies

HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 08:39

My husband tells me to stop talking and listen, he uses the f word, shoots me nasty looks, imitates my voice, raises his, gesticulates wildly ( Mediterranean) and lectures me insisting on not being interrupted. These conversations get no where but result in me wanting to drive my head through a wall afterwards ( never have) and just feel so viscerally stressed and distressed. I still can’t get my head around divorcing him as it seems like such a destructive and cruel thing to do but I literally can’t take the “ way” he talks to me. Anyone else found that alone clinched it?

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 30/04/2018 08:42

Sounds an excellent reason to leave. Who put him in charge?
Do you have kids?

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 08:43

Yes we have kids - 5 months and 3.5 years. He is just trying to get his point across but he doesn’t seem to have any solution except me behaving differently which would be very hard for me.

OP posts:
littlepill · 30/04/2018 08:45

That sounds like a lot of anger on his part. What is he afraid of? Not being heard? Someone else having a say? Your authority?

Would you consider couples counselling?

SciFiG33k · 30/04/2018 08:46

I'm currently contemplating the same thing for the same reason OP. So watching with interest.

Flowers
Grumpyoldblonde · 30/04/2018 08:49

I used to leave the room when my ex started ranting and told him I would do that every time he spoke to me like that.

I left last year. It's not a great way to raise children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2018 08:51

Couples counselling is a non starter when abuse of any kind is present and is actually not recommended in those circumstances.

pickingdaisies · 30/04/2018 08:51

A relationship is all about communication. How he talks to you defines how he sees you, and it's not great. Good enough reason? Absolutely. Cruel and destructive? That's what he is being. Don't you think you deserve better?

chicaxe · 30/04/2018 08:55

My husband tells me to stop talking and listen, he uses the f word, shoots me nasty looks, imitates my voice, raises his ... and lectures me insisting on not being interrupted

I would definitely get divorced from the man you describe. Asap. You shouldn't put up with it and your children should not have to witness it.

littlepill · 30/04/2018 09:00

Atilla when I was in this situation, couples counselling was very useful as it allowed both ex and me the space to articulate what was making us angry.

Luckingfovely · 30/04/2018 09:02

This is bullying, no question. You can't bring your children up in this environment. So sorry Thanks

SlowlyShrinking · 30/04/2018 09:02

Why wouldn’t you divorce him?

shitwithsugaron · 30/04/2018 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Livedandlearned · 30/04/2018 09:13

My exh used to talk to me like I was worth nothing, he still tries to now. He does it to everyone which is why he has no home, no proper job, his kids think he's a twat.

I'm m so glad I divorced him, in our case counselling would never have worked as his personality type definitely stops him accepting any responsibility or actually doing anything other than talking the talk.

I imagined myself in ten years and that's what made me end our marriage, I could not still be there in that life.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 09:29

We had 2 bad experiences of couples counselling. The first I don’t think knew what she was doing and the second we saw at 9:30 pm as was only tome he could do after full day with baby and she gave us handouts to read.its too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 09:31

He just wants to get through to me and make me see how unreasonable I am and how twisted my perception is and how we could all be so happy if I just saw the error of my ways and judgement and how it’s all my fault ( my words with s few of his thrown in)

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 09:35

I am so stressed out and am terrified deep down that he’s right and I’ve ruined the chance of a happy family life for us all. I try to talk about things with him but it’s like banging my head against a wall and he says things like “ we just don’t see yet to eye on anything” “ it’s impossible”. So I say “ so what are you doing?” and he mimics me and repeats the question. I’m stuck in this life where I just want to get through the weekends as emotionally unscathed as possible and I am afraid to talk to him/ spend time with him because of these lectures.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 30/04/2018 09:43

Jesus Christ.

Leave.

That's it.

His only solution is that you shut the fuck up and sit there with your children watching while he turns you into a mute little slave who puts up with the master telling her how high to jump and waiting for the screams when it's not high enough?

You can't fix this.

Leave before your kids end up totally fucked up.

MrsBertBibby · 30/04/2018 09:46

That sounds unsustainable, and if CC hasn't helped, I don't see what further options you have.

I left my ex when our son was 18 months. We still have a happy family life, and he also has a nice time with his dad. It's fine, really.

Cawfee · 30/04/2018 09:46

He’s an emotionally abusive twat and you should get rid of him before your kids start mimicking his behaviour. You deserve better than that. He’s deluded and he’s never going to change. Life should be happier and easier than this

pickingdaisies · 30/04/2018 10:06

So. Everything would all be ok if you just did everything his way, agree with everything he says, and take the blame for everything. And keep your mouth shut, and, and.
It's. Not. Your. Fault.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2018 10:08

"I am so stressed out and am terrified deep down that he’s right and I’ve ruined the chance of a happy family life for us all".

Its not you, its him. This is abuse 101 from him to you. Its he that is wrong here and he is ruining the chance of a happy life; he is simply projecting his own stuff onto you.

Your only real option going forward here is to leave him and make a life for yourself and your kids without him in it day to day. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him.

meowimacat · 30/04/2018 10:19

I left because of the way my ex talked to me. He would speak to me with disrespect and my kids were getting to an age where they would watch that behaviour and think it's acceptable.

Do you want your kids growing up to think it's okay to speak to someone like that?

If your marriage is okay except for this, explain to him that you will divorce him if he continues to speak to you in the way he is. Maybe it's something he saw his dad do to his mum growing up, so believes it's the norm. Sadly people don't tend to change and if he does continue to do it, I would absolutely walk. You deserve nothing but respect.

AgathaF · 30/04/2018 10:41

He sounds very controlling, really horrible. What is it exactly that you're doing wrong? What's so bad, in his view, about your judgement?

The problem with staying in a relationship like this is that he is chipping away at your self esteem, your self belief. Already you are saying I am so stressed out and am terrified deep down that he’s right and I’ve ruined the chance of a happy family life for us all - that stress and lack of belief in yourself is only going to get worse the longer you allow him to keep reinforcing it. That's no way to live and not something your children should be exposed to either.

Luckingfovely · 30/04/2018 14:42

Let me just repeat this:

It's. Not. Your. Fault.

He is an abusive twat. His behaviour is not loving or supportive. You can't ruin this relationship: he has already done that. You really need to get away from him as soon as possible to protect yourself.

Luckingfovely · 30/04/2018 14:44

Please read this:

Right, listen up everybody.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Swipe left for the next trending thread