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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

divorcing him because of the way he talks to me?

200 replies

HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 08:39

My husband tells me to stop talking and listen, he uses the f word, shoots me nasty looks, imitates my voice, raises his, gesticulates wildly ( Mediterranean) and lectures me insisting on not being interrupted. These conversations get no where but result in me wanting to drive my head through a wall afterwards ( never have) and just feel so viscerally stressed and distressed. I still can’t get my head around divorcing him as it seems like such a destructive and cruel thing to do but I literally can’t take the “ way” he talks to me. Anyone else found that alone clinched it?

OP posts:
Turkkadin · 30/04/2018 19:38

Is he from a different culture to you OP? Where the man of the house thinks he is to be obeyed?

PoorYorick · 30/04/2018 19:39

Get out of there.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 20:23

He’s from a different culture but not one where men are obeyed. I don’t know where he gets it from.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 30/04/2018 20:40

Just leave. There is no reasoning with men like that

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 20:50

He’s always nice to me until I have any complaint or challenge him on something and then he reacts nastily pretty quickly. Whenever he’s nasty he seems to decide when things are ok between us again so
I never get an apology and feel resentful deep down. When the resentment surfaces it’s usially in some small criticism I’ll make of him which will then result in him getting nasty again and so it continues.

OP posts:
helpimgoingcrazyhere · 30/04/2018 21:01

I think we have the same husband! Mines also Mediterranean and you have described him to a tee. However mine thankfully is a stbxh as I found the constant lack of ability to have a voice in my relationship just exhausting. It was way more miserable than Fun. I originally put his temperament down to cultural differences but then realised I had married a miserable angry man and I wasn’t prepared to put up with it any longer. For me or my kids. I hope you find a solution that works for you x

Charley50 · 30/04/2018 22:53

My dad was from a Mediterranean country too, and was like you describe but even worse. I hated growing up in that environment. He would 'lecture' (verbally abuse) my mum for hours on end.

I actually grew up hating people from his country (therefore hating myself) as he was so angry and controlling. I thought they were all like that.
Maybe life would be happier if you left.

Bixxus · 01/05/2018 00:24

It’s not cultural or a personality difference - he’s severely broken and there is something wrong with him.

I’ve encountered a few types like this and they simply aren’t fixable.

Not with kindness or compromise or understanding. Or even professional support.

The guys I met all tried to “explain away their rage” as being “strong willed” or “debating” or “discussion”

As if it’s something like preferring coffee to tea and the woman is just being “over sensitive” and “can’t take criticism”

When they’re standing there ranting and foaming at the mouth like a fucking deranged animal, it doesn’t look like discussion to me.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 01/05/2018 08:02

Thanks. It’s really hard when I see him being lovely with our children and that I would be damaging that relationship. Can I ask those of you who are divorced- how did your life change practically/ physically? Do you not feel very alone m? I worry as I don’t have other relatives except elderly parents so my children will be very isolated and I don’t feel enough of a “family” for them. Charley50 was he Greek?

OP posts:
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 01/05/2018 08:09

Thing is if he is a competant father (i have my doubts) he will have to step up and be lovely with the children when it's his turn. I think that will be a shock to the system when he actually has to man up for once.

You will be much better off as co-parents as this marriage is not benefiting you or your children. A broken marriage is one where there is only one getting anything out of it - a working one is where everyone does. You will be enough of a family for them - it won't be easy but it'll be less hard than where you are now.

Lilifer · 01/05/2018 08:14

Yes OP this is me.
After years and years of being spoken to in a certain tone, it then developed into some emotional and verbal abuse and controlling behaviours. I tried for years, at some cost to my mental and emotional health to try and make the marriage work. We are now divorcing, initiated by me. Scared for the future but I do not doubt my decision for a second 🙂

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/05/2018 08:53

Its just a way to make you STFU. My ex used to have a coughing fit/pretend not to hear/pretend to be distracted/acuse me of raising my voice etc every time I said something.

It's exhausting.

Turkkadin · 01/05/2018 11:14

Your marriage sounds a battle of wills and I'm afraid it is a battle you are never going to win. If you make the decision to stay because of your lack of family support and not wanting to be going it alone, then you need to accept him as he is and spend most of your marriage not voicing your opinions so as to keep a more peaceful atmosphere.

The trouble with this is the resentment and bitterness will eat away at you and you won't like him anymore let alone love him.

sosks · 01/05/2018 11:23

Is he Greek then Holly? My ex grew up in Greece and had a very similar attitude. He himself said that Greek men often don't respect women, so it could still be a cultural thing I guess x

northernlights0710 · 01/05/2018 11:45

OP, I was in a relationship like this and left for this reason. I wasn't married and didn't have kids with him so it was a lot easier. But I struggled because after we'd argued he would turn on the tears and beg for another chance.

I fell for it many times, thinking he would change his ways, but no! He would soon revert back to speaking to me like crap. He once told me that if only I would agree with him we'd get on fine. He was like a Jekyll and Hide character and could turn on me with no warning.

I finally got out after he called me awful names and hurled an object across the room with great force.

I read once that disrespect alone makes a relationship too bad to stay in. It's like the miners taking a canary into the mine to test whether the environment is toxic.

It sounds as if you, too, are in a toxic environment and you need to get out of it somehow, even if only for a week or two to get some head space.

I think you'll find it's a massive relief to get away from him. You won't be lonely - just liberated. I'll never forget the feeling of freedom and peace I had after getting out, even though I was lonely for a while. Better that than living in hell.

northernlights0710 · 01/05/2018 11:59

Just to add, OP, I am often still lonely and there are some things about him I miss but still, I would NEVER go back.

Can you get away with the DCs for a week or two - to stay with relatives or friends, perhaps? Getting time and space away from him with no contact will really help you to see the way ahead more clearly.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/05/2018 21:33

I've been divorced five years and my DCs have a better relationship with their dad than they did when we lived together and he left everything to do with them to me.

Of course it doesn't always work like that, but it doesn't have to mean "damage" to the father-child relationship - so if that's what happens, it'd be his fault, not yours.

Ohyesiam · 01/05/2018 21:42

Let you children see you choose happiness, leave this man.
How would it feel to let your children see you being bullied as they grow up. For them to think that is what a relationship is, so that they go on and re create it for themselves.
Leave this man.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 01/05/2018 21:55

You sound scared of him.

Why do you stay ?

He undermines your confidence.

Why do you stay ?

You walk on eggshells, scared of the next row starting because there WILL be one.

Why do you stay ?

You hold your relationship together by biting your tongue because you are scared of another outburst.

Why do you stay ?

He undermines you rather than answer your or listen to you. He does not respect you.

Why do you stay ?

P.S. when will it become physical ?

Charley50 · 01/05/2018 21:56

@HollyHunter18 - yes he is (was - died a few years ago).
I'm sure not all Greek men are this way; with my dad I feel his behaviour was partly cultural, partly mental health problems and part abusive alcoholic!
Joy joy!

RandomMess · 01/05/2018 22:04

@HollyHunter18 just leave he's more abusive than you realise! Everything will always have to be his way...

OddS0ck · 01/05/2018 22:28

My ex was like this - still is I expect. He wasn't Greek or Mediterranean, just an abuser.

I stayed far too long, trying to fix things, be what he claimed I needed to be. You see, I'd learnt that lesson well in childhood. Eventually I had no voice at all in the marriage, I was a shadow of my former self. It is taking years to recover from.

Please get out, soon. It's nothing you're doing and there's nothing you can do to change this. He's doing it because he believes that's how he's entitled to treat his wife. You are less than him, in his eyes. You can't reason with him and you'll never "get it right".

This is so bad for your children. What lessons are they learning? How frightening this is for them and how terribly damaging. It's my greatest regret in life, that I didn't leave sooner, before my children were damaged.

You'll get great support on MN, good advice and always a listening ear.

dirtybadger · 01/05/2018 22:50

A different perspective on this...

My dad sometimes speaks to my mum in quite a patronising way. Like she is an idiot. I understand his frustration for a few reasons, but the bottom line is he shouldnt speak to her like that. I am very close to my mum. I dont care much for my dad, to be honest. But I have found myself once or twice speaking "down" to my mum. Actually more than that, but obviously not as bad as my dad because I dont have the underlying contempt. Thats what being brought up in that environment has done! Despite an "allegiance" to my mum I have still learned the behaviour. It is a very hard habit to break. My situation probably wasnt/isnt as bad as yours, so fast forward 20 years and your DC may be speaking to you like DP does.... :(

Joysmum · 01/05/2018 23:52

So in short, he’s only happy and polite when you comply. Certainly a sound reason for divorce.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 02/05/2018 09:55

The problem I have is that he’s not violent, he doesn’t drink but hardest of all is that he is a very loving father who dotes on our children- my son loves him and as my son has asd ( being assessed) it’s going to be very difficult for him should we separate. It’s like some kind of psychological torture trying to work out what’s right. All the advice is extremely helpful.

OP posts:
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