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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

divorcing him because of the way he talks to me?

200 replies

HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 08:39

My husband tells me to stop talking and listen, he uses the f word, shoots me nasty looks, imitates my voice, raises his, gesticulates wildly ( Mediterranean) and lectures me insisting on not being interrupted. These conversations get no where but result in me wanting to drive my head through a wall afterwards ( never have) and just feel so viscerally stressed and distressed. I still can’t get my head around divorcing him as it seems like such a destructive and cruel thing to do but I literally can’t take the “ way” he talks to me. Anyone else found that alone clinched it?

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TatianaLarina · 04/05/2018 09:34

I was going to say what Charlotte Collins did.

A loving father does not emotionally abuse his children’s mother, because it damages the children as well as her.

It’s recognised in the country that emotional abuse of a spouse hurts children even when it’s not directed at them.

From the children’s POV he alternates between fawning over them and abuse of you which is terrifying for them. It’s very very stressful for children to be around emotional abuse.

The fact that your son loves his dad is not relevant. Small children are like dogs, they adore their owners even if they beat them. The real question is how damaged are your children going to get if you leave them in this environment - and the answer is very.

You must put your children first and protect them from him.

I don’t think you should try counselling with an abusive man. I think you need counselling on your own. And you need to try to draw the strength together to leave him.

It’s shit situation - Bon courage Flowers

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/05/2018 09:34

babayjane and Holly, you don't have partners. They don't see you as their equal and they are happy for you to take on all sorts of crap as long as they don't have to be put out. It really is no way to live.

I found it easier doing it on my own. Truth be told, I was pretty much beforehand, but after I left that gloomy cloud that had always hung over me just lifted. Having to fend off a selfish argumentative man's reasons for not taking responsibility is very draining. It feels like constant self-defence.

babayjane67 · 04/05/2018 10:05

Charlotte&life begins were yr exs always horrible to you or only sometimes then nice&ok in between?
My dp isn't always horrible.hes nice in between but the bickering happens alot&a lot in front if our dd which is not right.ive told dp that she doesn't like it but got no response.
He does do stuff like gwt a food shopping etc for my elderly mum who I care for was well as us.he mows the grass but I have to poop scoop.he won't do that!
He will cook for himself if he knows I'm not gonna be home but if he knows I'm coming bk will wait til I get in for me to do it.won't make his sandwiches for work so 8f I don't bother he goes without!then if i ask him what he had he'll say nothing they didn't have anything I liked!then I feel guilty because he's gone all shift without eating!
He also lied about liking a couple if things I do at the start of our relationship.we went to see Joseph at the theatre&I thought great he loves going to the theatre like me!but when I asked him few months later to see something else he said no he wasn't interested.turned out he only likes Joseph&was only reason he went! Also a great comedy show I loved few years bk that was very popular he said he liked too then a yr or so later found out that really he hated it&just said he did!
I'm thinking now that they were probably red flags but didn't realise.
We're yr exs like this?

misscph1973 · 04/05/2018 10:08

This: *

I found it easier doing it on my own. Truth be told, I was pretty much beforehand, but after I left that gloomy cloud that had always hung over me just lifted. Having to fend off a selfish argumentative man's reasons for not taking responsibility is very draining. It feels like constant self-defence.*

Exactly how I felt! And we are both so much better now. I think that our dynamic was so dysfunctional, but I also think that the behaviour was only in our dynamic. STBXH is now perfectly polite to me (still very selfish and inconsiderate, though), and he seems to have a better relationship with his family/friends. His relationship with our DC also appears better now.

Holly, you might well find that your DH becomes a better person if you split up. It's unfortunately quite human to be stuck in a behaviour pattern in a relationship. When the relationship finishes, so does the behaviour pattern.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 10:21

The problem is that if it’s abusive it’s very subtle stuff which I don’t think he’s even aware is abusive. If I ever use that word he is very derisory about it. Also if we separate there is a huge issue with where we live which we have never been able to resolve which would mean either me moving to where I’m from and want to be with children and him
Moving to his city of work ;
( 3 hours apart) and therefore making contact with dcs very hard , me moving to city where he works where we lived previously and I have no friends or family or me being forced to stay where we live now which was a compromise so he could commute from here but I could stay in london but this is not where I want to bring my children up and settle myself. So I feel trapped. I have no wish to stop him seeing children regularly quite the opposite but I need to be happy and settled.

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Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 10:22

miscph73 I’m sure you’re right.

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Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 10:25

It’s just so heartbreaking that what should have been a good life together has become this.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 10:31

Holly

Your H does not think he is abusive. He thinks and really does believe he has not treated you at all badly here.

Do you really think your husband would have any real interest in seeing his children long term in the event you were to separate?. I actually think he would not really bother with them very often if at all (you would certainly need a legally binding agreement here rather than any informal arrangement) or if he did to simply use them as a stick to beat you further with and remain obstructive. He would act the self same as now if you were apart, separating from him is not going to make him a better person. What sort of a role model is he to them, the fact that he is giving them mixed messages is really going to do emotional harm also.

What are they learning from the two of you about relationships, they could well simply reenact this within their own adult relationships too. And they are not going to say thanks mum to you if you did stay with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 10:32

Its not your fault your H is the ways he is, you did not make him that way. His own family of origin did that to him.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 10:40

Thanks but I am very sure he would want to see the children as much as he could. He has always wanted to be dad and he loves them very much.

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Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 10:46

He is very defensive of his family of origin. I have often felt he loves them more than me.

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/05/2018 10:46

babayjane, he was nice a lot of the time, but he never ever saw me as an equal. He treated me like a pet. If he had time and was in the mood, he'd be nice, and it made him feel good to look after me, but if a pet misbehaves, you have to deal with that. And you certainly don't accept a pet telling you what to do.

I think you're right, those were red flags. If somebody lies about their interests in order to present themselves as your perfect partner, that's really worrying.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/05/2018 10:48

Sorry Holly for the derail.

That does sound a difficult decision about where to go. And ikwym about it being so not what you wanted. Bear in mind, though, that you are trying to make the best of a bad situation. This is not your fault and you cannot be held to blame.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 10:53

hanks but I am very sure he would want to see the children as much as he could. He has always wanted to be dad and he loves them very much.

I do not doubt that he loves his children but his love for them is toxic because it comes at your expense as their mother. They see him treating them nice and being all Disney Dad whereas you as his wife and these kids mum get treated appallingly. Do not underestimate the damage such malignant power and control does to children particularly when it comes to them forming their own relationships and lives as adults.

You have a choice here re this man, they do not. They have to follow your lead.

babayjane67 · 04/05/2018 11:24

Holly is the house in yr name his or both?
My house is in my name only.he moved in with me when we got together.

stressedoutpa · 04/05/2018 12:05

You have a choice. You can choose to put up with this appalling behaviour or you can choose to leave and carve out a happier and more peaceful future.

The children will survive and, if he is the great Dad you say he is, he will find a way to make time for them/see them.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Not really sure what answer you are looking for here but we are all agreed that you cannot tolerate this situation and he is unlikely to change. You deserve better.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 12:20

Thanks . I don’t know what I’m looking for- to know that it’s not just me being unreasonable I suppose. I have very little faith in myself. I have even thought of moving to the city where he works just so he could regularly see the children but it’s not where I really want to bring them up and I don’t have any connections there.

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misscph1973 · 04/05/2018 16:56

You know, you don't have to label your DH as abusive to leave him. You are not happy, and that's plenty.

My STBXH might be a selfish twat, but he does love our DC, and he wants to see them. They want to see him. It's important for children to see both parents. If you do split up, you have to compromise. I drive my DC to their dad and pick them up, as he doesn't drive. He chose to move 12 miles away from the school, not a decision I am pleased with, but on the other hand it's probably best we don't live too close to each other. But this compromise is so much better than living with him!

You will find a way that works for both of you. He might surprise you. My STBXH did.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 17:41

Thanks Misscph1973 that’s very hopeful- I really feel so stuck at the moment like all my options are dead ends. I’m dreading the back holiday weekend because I’m so exhausted and upset and I can’t express myself and worry I’m going to say something or provoke him in some way. I’m no good at biting my tongue.

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stressedoutpa · 04/05/2018 17:42

You're not being unreasonable. Put yourself first for once.

Imagine you have decided to leave him. Where would YOU really like to live?

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 04/05/2018 18:09

I’d like to return to where I lived when we met and where my parents are but it’s a 2-3 hour drive from where he works and would probably move to.

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/05/2018 18:15

I would not discount that as an option. It could mean an hour's travelling for each of you at the start and end of every other weekend. Small price to pay, really.

TatianaLarina · 04/05/2018 19:32

Normally it’s ideal to be near the father so the children can see him regularly,.

As he’s abusive, while you have no desire to restrict his access, the less contact the better. However much he fauns over them on the surface, he’s a very angry man and his behaviour with them may well change over time. Once you’re not there to kick he may kick them - it’s very common. And if he gets a new partner they will see him abusing them.

So personally I think moving back to near your parents is win win.

stressedoutpa · 04/05/2018 22:01

When you think about splitting up and moving to your home town, how do you feel?

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 05/05/2018 22:41

I’m so lonely. Last night he was being a bit affectionate and I didn’t know how to react. Today he hasn’t touched me all day even though we sat rogethersbs watched tv this evening. I just feel so upset that he has let our marriage become this. I feel so sad for our children. I never know if he is going to be affectionate or not and I don’t know how to behave anymore.

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