divorcing him because of the way he talks to me?

[HollyHunter18]

My husband tells me to stop talking and listen, he uses the f word, shoots me nasty looks, imitates my voice, raises his, gesticulates wildly ( Mediterranean) and lectures me insisting on not being interrupted. These conversations get no where but result in me wanting to drive my head through a wall afterwards ( never have) and just feel so viscerally stressed and distressed. I still can’t get my head around divorcing him as it seems like such a destructive and cruel thing to do but I literally can’t take the “ way” he talks to me. Anyone else found that alone clinched it?

I'm so sorry for you, Holly, you sound desperately unhappy. I've been there, it's a very lonely place to be. My STBXH was hardly ever affectionate, and I think the last time he told me he loved me was 7 years before I told him it was over. Unfortunately it's very common that relationships disappear in the stress of marriage, children, work and getting through your day, it happens slowly so you don't notice it, and one day you wake up and see very clearly where you have ended up.

I think you would benefit from counselling to clear your head and get your thoughts in order. It's not as expensive as you think. I chose one who would also do Skype calls if I couldn't make it, and it was the best thing I have done for myself for a very long time.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk off the board.

Don't think this is about nationality/ethnicity.
He has you on the back foot. If he really doesn't care about you, or seeing his kids daily, you are better off out. If he does but is just arrogant he needs taking down a peg and made to respect you.
Get yourself quietly organised so you can leave, it will make you feel better. If no violence have a very frank talk, or write to him say you can't go on and he is right you should separate if things don't improve.
If there is violence, leave, or he takes no notice you have done all you can, you have choices. I would bully him back, but not advocating that.

Why not quietly start investigating the practical steps of moving back to your home town? Schools for children, where you could live to begin with and the cost, job for you etc. If he wants to see the children every weekend, 3 hours is not impossible to travel. He could move half way between you and his work maybe, but it would be his problem, and you don't have to worry about that now. Get an initial consultation with a solicitor. Or see a counsellor for yourself first to clarify your feelings. Whether or not he knows what he's doing to you, doesn't make the effects any less harmful, for you and the emotional health of your children. You can make it stop, but it's no good waiting for him to stop. He won't. I'm so sorry.

I am in exactly the same position as the op but children are older. I am leaving because it is affecting my mental and physical health. Had a house sorted out to rent but it fell through could have cried. I am so stressed and miserable dread the weekends. Good luck op.

Don't think people change because you leave. One of the most irritating things is that they don't.
You need to build yourself up, with or away from him. I wonder if he knows how close to going you are

I think he thinks he has the upper hand. The difficulty is that sometimes he is affectionate but it is always on his terms and I never know when he is going to be affectionate or cold with me. It upsets me that he always gets to decide the tone. Predictably though if I am too bossy or demanding or unhappy he is cold with me. Missingstreetlife he would care very much about not seeing the children every day and this would make me feel terrible. The sad thing is that I do still love him and he still makes me laugh, I’m still attracted to him and as different as we are we can occasionally get on very well. It’s so sad that there is this poisonous cycle. We are also extremely isolated as we didn’t have many friends between us to start off with but now we see no one ( it’s got harder because of our son’s behaviour but we were never that social to begin with). Our life is not the one I wanted for my children but nor is the one I envisage of I leave him. I feel deeply hopeless.

JeanHarlow my reaction to a sunny back holiday weekend was anxiety mainly.

he would care very much about not seeing the children every day and this would make me feel terrible.

The cynical part of me says that would be the result he hoped for.

But even if not, you have to consider what's best for the DCs. Children usually benefit from regular contact with their NRPs, but certainly not daily! So if he says that, you just learn to ignore it as one of his wishes, which just aren't relevant to your life any more. It sounds heartless, but I expect his wishes have taken priority in your life for a while, and separating yourself from that is very freeing.

I still have to remind myself that I don't have to fulfill my STBXHs wishes anymore. It made me so bitter and resentful that he was so insistent on his needs and wishes coming first. If I did not go with what he wanted, he would either sabotage my choice or he would be so moody and cold that it wasn't worth it in the end. He just didn't want to ever compromise.

We were also isolated, we moved a few times. Isolation is really bad for moth relationships, as you get to depend on your spouse to be everything for you, and they can't be.

Are you sure you still love him? I think you will find it very hard to leave him if you do.

Thank you. He’s been vile to me today. I do love him but I am also disgusted by him. I get so distressed after talking to him
I actually want to
Hurt myself and sometimes do.

Not only are we isolated but I don’t do as fun things as I would on my own as I am worried about something going wrong and causing an argument.

If we ever have gone to beautiful places together I would have enjoyed them better alone as he does not seem to get anything out of things. He likes to sit at his computer or in front of the tv, listen to music that’s about it as far as I can tell.

He actually tells me to “‘keep quiet” during an argument which I HATE.

Oh yes, the feelings of powerlessness and insignificance and hurting myself to cope... I had forgotten that. It's so screwed up, isn't it?

I think i just deflect the feelings on myself because I can’t lash out elsewhere and I feel so distressed. Its not normal to be told to
Fuck Off on a near daily basis by your spouse is it? The things that are stopping me asking him to
Leave are:

• his relationship with our son who is autistic and who loves him and the way our son is always saying “ mummy” and then “ daddy” and is very aware of our unit and change is not at all easy for him. My husband gets up in the mornings with him and gives him breakfast at weekends, He goes to him at night if he wakes as I am with our baby.

worry that all the change and disruption will be terrible for the children and they will grow up hating me.

• love/ attraction for my husband and disappointment over how good our life together might have been
• worry that my husband will become terribly depressed on his own and will be a dark presence in our lives. That my children will see him and blame me for his unhappiness ( of course I’m aware he could have a young girlfriend in a few months and be happy as Larry) who knows).

-

But your kids will have nothing if they lose their mother for heavens sake. You cannot carry on like this and be the best mother they can have. Boost your needs up the pecking order a bit.

My mum staying with my abusive dad led to a very difficult childhood and adulthood for the children.
How can it be a happy home if you're anxious and walking on eggshells all the time. Dcs pick up on that.
Unless he sees that he has a problem and wants to change, I can't see this getting any better.

Just sack this right off. He is clearly very contemptuous of you. 'Keep quiet' during an argument? Clearly you don't even need to be there if you're just an audience for his monologue on your failings. Don't even worry about where you live, move to where you want to be and have friends and support. You've obviously tried to salvage your relationship with couples counselling etc. Fuck him, life is too short. Go live it

I think that a lot of people underplay the importance of verbal abuse. It's just that. He hurts you with his words. It shows no respect and is bot the foundation of a healthy marriage. Definitely a reason to leave. You'll feel so much freedom and will be at peace.

If one person has to keep quiet during an argument, it's not an argument, is it?!

His behaviour is making you feel like hurting yourself and sometimes doing so?? You poor soul. That's abuse and no small amount at that. Sounds like you need to get shot. Mail me for a pdf of Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that?

(if you want to, obviously)

Obviously, the ideal thing would be for your H to morph into a decent, loving person. But since that's not going to happen, staying together will not be without its own effects on the DCs, as we talked about upthread.

Now, to answer your points:

Mummy, Daddy, DS will still be a unit to your DS. My 8yo still talks of mummy and daddy in the same phrase, even though she can't remember us living together. We're both her parents and we both love her. That's it as far as she's concerned.

Change will be difficult. The way to help him adjust is by having a very clear and regular new routine and making sure he knows what to expect. It will be hard for a while, but then it will become the new normal.

The nights will be harder, doing it by yourself. But all the advantages of not being exposed to his poisonous words will make that bearable. And at some stage, when the baby's old enough to do overnights, you should get some nights child-free and that's bliss.

The children will not hate you. Change is a normal part of life, all the more for children. They are very adaptable. If you give them a secure, happy home and do your best to enable contact with their dad, what possible reason would they have to turn against you?

Loss of a relationship you thought you were going to have in the early days - that's hard. You'll have to grieve it. At the moment you're suppressing your emotions and that's really not healthy. It's not easy, the emotional rollercoaster, but it's the only way to move forward.

Maybe your H will get depressed. Maybe he will blame you. Maybe your DCs will listen to him and say something when they come back to your house. Then you will tell them that Daddy is an adult and he has to look after himself. It's not your job to look after him. If he really did stop looking after himself, they would feel safer with you and look to you to keep them safe with their contact with daddy.

Your thoughts just now are coloured by the way he thinks. That's how much his opinions have become part of your mindset. I remember how it felt to be surprised by small acts of kindness because they just weren't what I expected while I was with my H. You're expecting blame and hate because that is your norm. Time to rediscover your own opinions and abilities!

I think I’m getting closer to having the confidence to ask him to leave. He talks to me harshly whatever the subject, never says thank you for anything I do - makes no kind gestures and when I need support he is simple frustrated by me. Even when I try to be thoughtful like suggesting he eat supper first whilst I hold baby he accuses me of making things difficult! I am very stressed as my son’s assessment is this week and I have home visits tomorrow and I tried to talk to him about it and he just made me feel like the most frustrating person I asked him what have I done to deserve the way you talk to me ? . He started telling me “I’ll tell you what you’ve done ....”
I

The way you speak to me, the way you are to me etc etc.

He said: I don’t deserve you the way you treat me.

I said You’re right you don’t deserve me . He said sarcastically “because you’re so wonderful “. I so fed up of his nastiness. My son is being assessed for asd at the moment with important visits this week-I have been waiting a long time. I have my baby at home too. I am very nervous about his diagnosis. I just needed moral support from his father. I don’t know why he is so spiteful and self righteous. I really don’t know why he is so full
Of hate for me.

I’m so exhausted after a long hot weekend trying to make it nice for my son, making plans, picnics etc etc with not so Much as a smile from my dh.