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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

divorcing him because of the way he talks to me?

200 replies

HollyHunter18 · 30/04/2018 08:39

My husband tells me to stop talking and listen, he uses the f word, shoots me nasty looks, imitates my voice, raises his, gesticulates wildly ( Mediterranean) and lectures me insisting on not being interrupted. These conversations get no where but result in me wanting to drive my head through a wall afterwards ( never have) and just feel so viscerally stressed and distressed. I still can’t get my head around divorcing him as it seems like such a destructive and cruel thing to do but I literally can’t take the “ way” he talks to me. Anyone else found that alone clinched it?

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 02/05/2018 10:07

Holly someone not being violent is a minimum standard.

Lilifer · 02/05/2018 15:03

OP I stayed for years for the kids sakes. I really regret it now , they are ranging in age from 10-17 and it's going to be so tough on them all but the reality is that it has already done damage to them, the awful atmosphere in the home, the lack of love, joy, easy communication to affection between me are their dad. I have felt under siege verbally and emotionally for the last couple of years. It has affected them awfully. I wish I had left when they were all tiny, they would have adjusted long before those difficult adolescent years.
Please get counselling for yourself to help you work out a solution, you do not have to live like this. Thanks

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 02/05/2018 15:59

Lilifer was your husband a loving father like mine or was the jack of love you describe also to the children? I tried going to a counsellor last week but they suggested couples counselling and I didn’t feel they grasped how difficult my husband can be. He also makes it really hard for me to plan things ahead of time and is always telling me to slow down which makes it really difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 02/05/2018 15:59

Lack of love

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 02/05/2018 17:16

When one partner is being manipulative, which yours is, then couples counseling is not recommended.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 02/05/2018 17:50

Things are only good between us when I am not asking anything of him. That’s hard with a small baby and quite intense 3.5 year old.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/05/2018 17:59

Jesus christ, he's an abusive nasty piece of work, you need to leave, you cannot continue living with such a horrible nasty bastard, simple as that. Go to your family and friends and gather your support and get them to help you get away from the shit.

Itsallaswizz · 02/05/2018 18:03

Who the fuck does he think he is? You do not need to put up with being spoken to like that. Your kids will learn to think it's normal - show them it's not and leave.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 02/05/2018 18:06

is he Greek?

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 02/05/2018 18:25

Yes he’s Greek although he’s never lived there. He has said done things I find really hard to forgive lately . Worse than being called a cunt or a fucking idiot was after he told me I was so fucking dyspraxic I couldn’t put our son in his car seat properly ( after my son had tried to jump out ( he has probable asd and I’ve krpt him safe since birth which is no small feat with him) he had a go at me for multi tasking ( I have no choice) and said words to the effect that my son would be better if I just focused more on him ( I have given him everything I have to give, an a sahm, breastfed him on demand, with him all day with different activities until 3 years old). These things hurt the most and I can’t forgivr them even though I know if I told him he’d say I’d got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:
MamaDeeGee · 02/05/2018 18:27

Sounds very controlling to me.
Reminds me of my ex

RoseyOldCrow · 02/05/2018 18:34

He needs to leave.
Your DCs take priority, and they need the family home.
He is not a nice man. Get rid.
Flowers

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 02/05/2018 18:35

he sounds really nasty....

Greek men are often raised to think that they are number one, tbh.

Talith · 02/05/2018 18:39

He may be a loving father but he is not a loving partner.

stressedoutpa · 02/05/2018 19:01

I don't think anything you say or do will make a difference. You need to leave.

My Dad was pretty cruel to my Mum (and me and my brother). I love him in my own way but I know that his behaviour had a significant effect on me. He was very difficult to please and it has affected my confidence throughout my life. I have under achieved despite having great potential and I think a major factor was my relationship with my parents in particular my Dad.

babayjane67 · 02/05/2018 19:30

How do you leave though if you're paying off lots of debt that is too much to be able to pay off on your own?

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 02/05/2018 20:47

babyjane67 the debt is no
Longer an issue. It’s also strange and uncomfortable that we haven’t had so much as a peck on the lips in almost a year ( apparently he’s too depressed to have a sex drive- I am not bothered at all ). If I am in his good books I’ll get a kiss on the lips but otherwise no physical contact. It feels very lonely. I am also suspicious as he was once quite highly sexed and I wonder if there is a diversion. It’s all depressing. I’m very lonely. The thought of ever having sex with another man though is pretty horrifying. I’m really fed up with men at this point in my life.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2018 20:52

There are many ways in which leaving an abusive partner can benefit children. (The freedom programme is good on this.) If your H is a good father as you say, then he will still be actively involved in your DC's life.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2018 20:53

X post. The single life has a lot going for it! I felt the same about men when I left my marriage.

waffledoggy · 02/05/2018 21:04

Hi Holly. A lot of what you are saying resonates with me. My husband is quick to temper and has to be right at the expense of everything. I am quite miserable. I finally opened up to my family and they have advised that I get legal advice so I know where I stand and hope that it helps me come to the decision to leave. With two young children whom he adores, asking for a divorce is a not an easy decision to make. I think you should do the same if you can. Thanks

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 02/05/2018 21:19

Waffledoggy thanks. Can I ask what you told your family which made them see what it was like for you? My family have recently started to understand although he has been very nice to them over the years. He once told me he was nice to them because they are nice people ( implying I’m not).

OP posts:
misscph1973 · 02/05/2018 21:30

Holly, I'm recently separated, and my STBXH has many similarities to yours. Believe me when I say that "staying for the children's sake" is the worst excuse in the world. You are staying because you are afraid of change. You should only stay if you really want to. You probably feel guilty for wanting to leave him. But this is not what you signed up for, this is not what you wanted when you got married.

waffledoggy · 02/05/2018 22:50

Hi Holly. He sounds like he must be charming to make others believe he is so nice. My Mum knows because I've been confiding in her and also he does not hide his tempers so well in front of her. I told my brothers and sisters at a family event as they saw I had been crying. I was fed up lying.

dirtybadger · 02/05/2018 23:26

As I said on 2nd page- expect your son to learn from his father. How to speak to you, and women generally perhaps. You cant select which parent they learn from. And even if he adapts your style, he will learn that he should "take" people speaking to him like DP speaks to you.

IrisAtwood · 02/05/2018 23:30

He just wants to get through to me and make me see how unreasonable I am and how twisted my perception is and how we could all be so happy if I just saw the error of my ways and judgement and how it’s all my fault

I could have written this post about my ex.

After 7 months away I now realise how truly awful and abusive he was.

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