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Original poster

Telling his wife as a parting Shot

209 replies

HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 08:19

If you were the wife, would you want to know about your husbands infidelity? To be told by his OW? My friend has been having an affair for a couple of years now. I've kept out of it ( not my circus if you get the drift). She's finally decided after waiting for him to make good on his promises to her that it's never going to happen. He said that it's not the right time, can't hurt his family etc which is all the usual script. Theyre never going to be together. She told me last night that she's had enough and basically wants her life to be more than the crumbs he's giving her.
I agreed she was doing the right thing and had seen sense. ( thought she never should have done it in the first place but hey ho).Anyway, she thinks his wife should know. She wants to meet her. Apparently his wife thinks he's everything marvellous and my friend wants to set her straight with a bucketful of evidence of the cheating he's done. I told her to walk away and not do it. But then I've no idea really. I think I'd want to know if it was me.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/04/2018 19:49

Henna, these women believe what it suits them to believe. Otherwise they'd have to face up to the fact that the nan they are shagging is not Romeo to their Juliet but a sleazy piece of shit who is lying and cheating and that they are complicit in helping to break up a family.
It sounds so much better in their own heads to spin some crap about vulnerability and low self esteem.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2018 19:49

Why the hell do men do this?

Because some women let them do it.
She's not helpless. It takes two and she needs to own her part.

fitbitbore · 29/04/2018 20:08

Defo tell the wife she's married to a huge turd!

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 20:50

What's creepy about it as a PP said?? A friend has confided in me..you know as friends do. I've no experience of the situation she's in or the wife's in...Ive asked for input that's all. What she does will be upto her. It's not eing over invested surely? I'm hardly jumping in to read the riot act.

OP posts:
Xenadog · 29/04/2018 21:21

If your friend wants to tell the wife then it’s probably best she does it factually, without emotion and in a way which will not allow the bloke worn his way out of it. I would also say it’s not her breaking up the marriage (if that's what happens) as she isn’t the one who made a vow although her behaviour is pretty awful.

I have a friend who has conducted an off/on affair with her friend’s husband for years. She will never tell the wife but I think this is for purely selfish reasons. Since I found this out I do think less of her and never wish to discuss the matter, I’d feel like I was encouraging or condoning her behaviour. OP, I would not discuss this with your friend anymore, her life, her decisions and her consequences.

Ophelialovescats · 29/04/2018 21:23

You are either the OW or lacking in a life of your own to be so involved in your 'friend's' life .

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 21:30

I wasn't involved in it until she dumped that one on me was I...?? Surely normal to mull over what you've been told and think what you'd do, and be interested in what others would. I do have a life. My friend is part of it.

OP posts:
Queenofwands · 29/04/2018 21:34

No ... she probably also hopes to force his hand. He obviously made the right choice not leaving his wife for this spiteful woman.

Lostforagoodname · 29/04/2018 21:36

I think you just need to be there for your friend. Regardless of what happens

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 22:10

I will be there for her. Maybe my morals are crap too. And yes I think that's her motive..wife will go ape, cheater will fall into her arms and live happy ever after. But as PP posters have said, I don't rate the chances of this happening. Surely he'd be blazing mad, and even if wife kicked him out he probably wouldn't hook up with her anyway as she'd knackered his cosy set up.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 30/04/2018 03:47

OP. Honestly? Stick by your friend. Your morals aren't crap. Not one person walking this earth is perfect.

Ski40 · 30/04/2018 04:13

If her intentions were that "noble" towards the wife, she would have demanded he split up with her BEFORE getting involved with him, or at the very least she would just let her have an anonymous hint and let her figure it out by herself in due time.
I don't have a lot of sympathy for a woman's "hurt" over SOMEBODY ELSE'S HUSBAND. Sorry. She knew she was doing wrong.
Meeting the wife to show her disgusting pictures etc comes across as immature, vulgar and a bit bunny boiler-ish tbh.
Tell your friend to move on with dignity and find a man all of her very own. There are loads out there if you look.

Smeddum · 30/04/2018 05:22

I disagree that it’s OPs morals which are skewed. You can be there and support a friend without condoning their behaviour. Support isn’t agreeing with what someone is doing, it’s being there when it all falls apart too.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/04/2018 09:19

Hmm, I don't know if you can support without condoning. We choose friends based on shared values and for me, if a friend does something I find morally reprehensible, I can't see them the same way. Offering tea and sympathy is on some level, saying it's okay, it's not your fault, you deserve care and affection in this situation. And really she doesn't. She did what she wanted and even now is planning her next move with the aim of splitting up the family and getting him that way. Or just to cause a shitstorm because he has strung her along.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/04/2018 10:12

Your friend is playing with fire, this won't end well.

Claire90ftm · 30/04/2018 14:16

It doesn't matter if her motives are vindictive or to be spiteful. The wife should know the c*nt she's living with. She'll be doing her a favour. Although I think meeting her in person is a bad idea, that could turn nasty.

Jenasaurus · 30/04/2018 15:13

I would want to know, in fact I have just discovered that there has been a third person in my relationship since 2016, someone on my thread told me to stop wasting my life with him and move on, the wife needs to know about this, or she wont have any idea who she is married too until its too late and shes wasted too much time with him. So speaking from my own perspective I would want to know

RatherBeRiding · 30/04/2018 15:20

Her motives are obviously purely selfish and vindictive. However, this doesn't lessen the fact that the wife has a right to know that her happy marriage is actually a sham. She deserves the truth. What she then does with that is up to her, but her husband has been cheating and living a lie for a long time. And will probably do so again.

Would I want to live a lie and play happy families whilst actually being spun a fantasy and taken for a mug? No. Don't know anybody who would either.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 30/04/2018 15:39

Thanks for all the comments. A massive mixed bag of views here. For those of you who said to ditch her as a friend...really? You'd do that even though we've been through a lot together and apart from this..we've not had a crossed word. Shell need a friend more than ever after this surely? Im so not condoning it but i cant just cut her off.

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 30/04/2018 16:32

The majority of posters have advised your friend to tell the wife.
What more advice to you need ?
Why don't YOU just tell the wife annonomously?

TammyWhyNot · 30/04/2018 17:03

"The majority of posters have advised your friend to tell the wife. "

Have they? Have you counted? I think it reads like a mixture.

Ophelialovescats · 30/04/2018 17:18

I'm not going to count the responses Tammy.
Either way the OP should have enough advice to make her mind up by now.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 30/04/2018 17:46

For those of you who said to ditch her as a friend...really? You'd do that even though we've been through a lot together and apart from this..we've not had a crossed word.

Yes, I would. There are some things friends can reveal about themselves and their values that go too strongly against mine to overlook. Racism is one; deliberately choosing to fuck someone else's spouse over a long period of time is another. I am not friends with people who do this, let alone people who then try to whine to me about upset they are when the affair doesn't end in rainbows.

Ophelialovescats · 30/04/2018 18:18

I agree. I would find it difficult to be friends with someone who could carry on an affair with someone else's partner for so long. It days a lot about her as a person.

AtomHeart · 30/04/2018 19:16

How can someone end their marriage before having an affair? How would the MM know if leaving was the right thing to do? It’s not as straight forward as people seem to think. Yes, she should tell the wife for 2 reasons. The first is that the wife deserves to know and the second is that the man should have to face the consequences of his actions. Actually 3 reasons, your friend deserves some revenge.