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Original poster

Telling his wife as a parting Shot

209 replies

HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 08:19

If you were the wife, would you want to know about your husbands infidelity? To be told by his OW? My friend has been having an affair for a couple of years now. I've kept out of it ( not my circus if you get the drift). She's finally decided after waiting for him to make good on his promises to her that it's never going to happen. He said that it's not the right time, can't hurt his family etc which is all the usual script. Theyre never going to be together. She told me last night that she's had enough and basically wants her life to be more than the crumbs he's giving her.
I agreed she was doing the right thing and had seen sense. ( thought she never should have done it in the first place but hey ho).Anyway, she thinks his wife should know. She wants to meet her. Apparently his wife thinks he's everything marvellous and my friend wants to set her straight with a bucketful of evidence of the cheating he's done. I told her to walk away and not do it. But then I've no idea really. I think I'd want to know if it was me.

OP posts:
Lookingforspace · 29/04/2018 13:20

I’m not torn at all! If I was the wife, I wouldn’t give a damn that she was motivated by spite. I’d want to know what a spineless cheating shit I was married to. I would always urge everyone in this position to tell otherwise he’ll just continue to do it whilst being a smug bastard.

And whilst I may be slightly pissed off at the OW, that would be nothing compared to the thurnder I’d reserve for my husband as in my mind, he’s the one breaking his vows, not her.

And yes, it would be like a bomb going off and would break up our family and make me poorer turning me into a single mother of 3 children, 1 with additional needs. But I’d still rather be that than be in the dark about my cheating husband.

Lostforagoodname · 29/04/2018 13:26

No one knows how the wife will react, so your friend needs to think how this will affect her. Will it make her feel better to get revenge on him? Will it make her feel worse? Will she feel like crap, because he will turn around and make her out to be some crazy ass bunny boiler, will he run into her arms. She has to work out her motivation. Because I can be sure of one thing, it won’t achieve which ever outcome she thought

DollyDayScream · 29/04/2018 13:38

Your friend has nothing to be proud of and telling the wife does not atone for this.

However, I would want to know. Regardless of the motivation for the OW telling me, I would like to know the truth about my own life so that I can make a choice rather than unknowingly live a lie.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 13:43

Lots of mixed responses really and I can see why. I'll be speaking to her this week. There could well be an update....

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/04/2018 14:15

Your friend is not vulnerable, no one has taken advantage of her and she is not a victim. She has deliberately chosen to help break up a family - if he had left his wife, she'd be happy right now. She is not a nice person. I couldn't remain friends with someone like that.
I very much doubt that his wife is useless/needy etc. Being a sahm just means that as a couple they decided this was best for their family - I bet he has enjoyed a lot of support and freedom to build his career on the back of that decision! Her not working is not justification for him and your friend to treat her like shit!

I think she has a right to know and he deserves to have his world made less comfy but a letter not a face to face meeting would be best. Your friend needs to remember that the wife is not her enemy and has done nothing to harm her - this mess is of her own making.

She is not going to come out of this looking good. The wife isn't stupid - she will know full well that ow's motivation is spite. Your friend will be publically outing herself as selfish, spiteful and immoral. It's not a good look.

Z1ppyd00da · 29/04/2018 14:26

HennaTattoo. I did it. I was the other woman for 18 months and I told the wife. If your friend wants to tell, she has to do it for the right reasons. To say it is a ‘parting shot’ is not a reason.
I know I will get a barrage of abuse if I tell the story, so will hold back.
Before your friend goes to say anything, she must weigh up the options-is she doing it for the right reasons or to inflict pain/win him back. She should know she will NEVER win. He will hate her for doing it and they will never speak again. She will feel guilt, shame, anger and all the other emotions which come with the break up- except she will do it alone. Once done it cannot be taken back and the emotion for her is also intense. It does not make it ‘go away’ or any easier. She has to ride the pain HE has created and seek therapy herself.
I will say, despite the tsunami of emotions and intense therapy since, I still made the right decision. Mine however was not done with malice or for revenge.

HadronCollider · 29/04/2018 14:55

But z1ppyd00da, you argue it's motivated out of good will for the wife either or you would never have had an affair?

Z1ppyd00da · 29/04/2018 15:07

there is somewhat of a twist to this one
While my intentions were good, I may have inadvertently stumbled on a scam

FixItUpChappie · 29/04/2018 15:10

Only in her mind is she a victim here. Why do women always get to play the "I was vulnerable" card - men never get away with that shit. She didn't care about the wife (or kids) before - totally disingenuous to pretend she cares now. She just out to hurt everyone else as much as possible - nice Hmm

AnyFucker · 29/04/2018 15:13

Zippy???

Z1ppyd00da · 29/04/2018 15:15

Before all shout and scream at me on here, he was also taking a lot of money from me to provide his wife with a car and family holiday. He told me he couldn’t afford food or Christmas presents for his children. He then gaslighted me for over a year-always lying and covering things up to the point I went crazy. It was toxic. I had split up with him several times before but he always worked his ‘magic’ and got me back. I did tell his wife, but far from revenge, it was for a genuine reason. He has a history of other affairs and ‘borrowing’ money from other women. He knew what he was doing and manipulated me from the start. While I hold my hands up- I was complicit in the affair- I did not deserve to be treated like he did and neither does his wife.
However. The kind of crazy I was at, led me to handing myself in to the police. They laughed at me for doing so, but on reading the messages and the wife’s lack of reaction…..and one very strange reaction in particular, the police think it has been a scam. It is now noted on the system and if another woman comes forward, action will be taken.
I have sought medical help! It was not a logical response from me, however 18 months of gaslighting will do that to a person.

mzcracker · 29/04/2018 15:21

His wife should know who she's married to but her motives are appalling. She would happily have blown this woman's world apart and fucked off with her husband.
She just wants to stick the boot in because she's not getting what she wants.

Z1ppyd00da · 29/04/2018 15:28

nope.
Whatever is now hurled at me, I actually tried to help this man. You can chuck at me that I wanted him- no. I NEVER asked him to leave. He kept turning up at my door in tears etc etc and I did try to help. When I thought the wife had no food for her children, I gave them money, so don't start with the 'she just wanted to keep him' rants.
If my motives were appalling MZCracker- what about his? Is it not appalling he went to other women (more than once) to deceive money out of them? Every one of us a trusting mug/fighting own issues- but that is what the man preys on

mzcracker · 29/04/2018 15:32

So you're the friend zippy?

mzcracker · 29/04/2018 15:32

In that case you're both appalling.

bluebell34567 · 29/04/2018 15:45

I didn't read the whole thread but I think she should tell the wife because he cheated on both of them, he deserves it.
but in my opinion she shouldn't do it face to face, maybe email or something.

bluebell34567 · 29/04/2018 15:45

if the wife doesn't believe she can give the details.

Ophelialovescats · 29/04/2018 15:57

Silly Zippy , don't think you're going to get flamed as such . You just should a bit sad an d pathetic.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 15:57

Zippy thanks for sharing that , it can't be an easy thing to admit to. I disagree with PP about my friend " not being vulnerable" though and going with the sole intention to break a marriage. Don't you think these men home in on insecure women, tell them crap and the woman for whatever reason falls for it. They think the marriage is dead anyhow, they trust his version of events don't they??

OP posts:
Juells · 29/04/2018 16:12

@Z1ppyd00da I think there's a bit of cross-posting going on, that @mzcracker was talking about the OW in the original post?

mzcracker · 29/04/2018 16:20

I was wondering why the rant seemed aimed at me personally.

FixItUpChappie · 29/04/2018 16:24

Don't you think these men home in on insecure women, tell them crap and the woman for whatever reason falls for it. They think the marriage is dead anyhow, they trust his version of events don't they?

So women are not equally culpable.....and are too dumb and gullible to be fully responsible? Men are the predators, women weak prey. That's not a version of womanhood we should be casually accepting IMO.

Ophelialovescats · 29/04/2018 19:19

OP, if you are not the OW , you are surely then overinvested in your friend's life . It is coming across as odd at best and a bit creepy, at worse.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/04/2018 19:34

HennaTattoo

Don't you think these men home in on insecure women, tell them crap and the woman for whatever reason falls for it.

Nope, because I don't believe that all women are victims.

GertieMotherwell · 29/04/2018 19:40

I wouldn’t be involved and she wouldn’t be my friend.