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Original poster

Telling his wife as a parting Shot

209 replies

HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 08:19

If you were the wife, would you want to know about your husbands infidelity? To be told by his OW? My friend has been having an affair for a couple of years now. I've kept out of it ( not my circus if you get the drift). She's finally decided after waiting for him to make good on his promises to her that it's never going to happen. He said that it's not the right time, can't hurt his family etc which is all the usual script. Theyre never going to be together. She told me last night that she's had enough and basically wants her life to be more than the crumbs he's giving her.
I agreed she was doing the right thing and had seen sense. ( thought she never should have done it in the first place but hey ho).Anyway, she thinks his wife should know. She wants to meet her. Apparently his wife thinks he's everything marvellous and my friend wants to set her straight with a bucketful of evidence of the cheating he's done. I told her to walk away and not do it. But then I've no idea really. I think I'd want to know if it was me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 10:16

I don't think I'm over invested as such no..ive known about it for ages now, it's this last bit that got to me. The 'telling all'scenario. I've not known anyone in this position. I'd honestly have preferred it if she'd not told me. I can't advise her can I. I can't beg her not to do it...I feel helpless.Hence the posting on here.

OP posts:
HadronCollider · 29/04/2018 10:19

Should add that the cassanova who seems to attract loads of nice women for reasons I have no idea why, became very angry that my friend told his wife everything (he had a carefully curated version of events he was going to tell her in the event he was caught, that was much more palatable and had huge gaps - like a love child - in them). He felt humilated, embarrassed and exposed (by his own actions, but he made my friend his mental scapegoat) this effectively ended forever any chances of them ever being together. Any fondness he had turned to resentment. Its an awful situation all round and my friend has suffered throughout and has learned a hard very very hard lesson.

HadronCollider · 29/04/2018 10:23

I was in that position too Henna I sympathise. Its horrible. I kept urging not to tell, but she did it anyway. Our friendship has changed. I remain friends because when I had a down period in my life, she was there for me, to talk to, but its one of those situations where your own morals and ethics clash with those of a friend and its a strain.

LanaorAna2 · 29/04/2018 10:24

If I were DW I'd want to know.

NeedAGoodBook · 29/04/2018 10:27

I would. IF she's genuinely walking away.

Send a letter to the wife. She can either act on it or not act on it.

But the next time, she will see the signs and know who she's married to and not be naive.

Men get away with this shit because it would be ''revenge'' to tell his wife. Maybe. Heaven forbid he pay for what he did.

Ticketsfrom · 29/04/2018 10:43

she's hurting because of this man and regretting getting involved with him. If I were her I would tell his wife, I'd want to know if I was the wife and she deserves to know but I wouldn't go meeting her. No good can come of that - write her an email or send a letter. It won;t take the wife long to realise it's all true.

Unsure123123 · 29/04/2018 10:45

Don't do it. A few years ago I'd say tell her but there's enough hurt in the world already. She's sure to find out eventually.

Ophelialovescats · 29/04/2018 10:47

When and how are you going to tell his wife OP? You have had enough opinions and advice now to have made your decide . Let us know how it goes please.

Coralcolouredchrome · 29/04/2018 10:47

First of all, if she's been seeing this married man for a couple of years, surely she's not so naive as to believe he's going to leave his family for her. Wasn't the reason he started an affair with her in the first place, was he fancied a bit of excitement on the side, well she filled that criteria, now she's got bored with his excuses for not leaving his family, and she's acting like a spoilt brat who hasn't got what she wanted. Why take it out on the family, it's not their fault he's a cheating bastard. I wouldn't let him off Scot free either, if I were her, I'd tell him to keep looking over his shoulder, as she could burst his happy little family life, anytime she wants to. He will spend the rest of his life, wondering if today's the day, the shit hits the fan. Might make him think twice, before wandering again.

magoria · 29/04/2018 10:48

The wife deserves to know.

Your friend isn't telling her for the right reasons though. Your friend just wants to get back at him for using her and maybe hope his wife kicks him out so she wins.

She isn't a nice person. She was very happy to screw around without a thought for the wife when she thought she was going to win this man.

Now she has realised she was only a dirty shag on the side she wants revenge.

If the wife dumps him she will be straight back there.

FreeMantle · 29/04/2018 10:50

I wish someone had told me. I was three months pregnant when I found out.

I still hold deep resentment for the OW ,so if she had told me, her reasons wouldn't have mattered to be honest.
Actually it might have helped because then I could get some grip on why she would do it. Agreed it's the betrayal; that neither of them thought I was worth telling in this whole mess. I totally believe that dealing with an unpleasant truth is easier than dealing with years of lies and deception.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/04/2018 10:52

I think everyone has the right to know what's really happening in their lives. But the OW needs to consider her own motivations and expectations. Is it just spite, and if so is it the cheating husband she's hoping to hurt or the wife? Is she hoping to force his hand and that he'll choose her? Would she accept being second choice if the wife boots him out or does she want nothing more to do with him?

Marmitesoldiers · 29/04/2018 11:03

I really don’t know how I’m supposed to know if my husband was having an affair. Has lots of business trips with work, and has lots of mates, so could easily hide illicit meetings etc.

I’d like to know, even if would torpedo my life. At least I’d be able to make an informed, adult decision. Anything else is infantilising the wife, just like the husband is doing. And it’s absolutly guaranteed that he’d do it again. He sounds like he groomed your friend into having an affair with him.

She may know, she may turn a blind eye but no one on the internet knows for sure one way or another.

He’s the skank, not your friend. He’s not only broken his vows, he’s manipulated her into having an affair. I think as (largely) women we should change the narrative of blaming the ‘scheming’ woman and put the blame firmly on the cheating husband's shoulders ( by the way I know women have affairs too but not usually with single men, in my experience).

FinallyHere · 29/04/2018 11:18

@Pompom42 almost making the husband like the innocent

Wot Pompom said ^

HeedMove · 29/04/2018 11:21

As a wife id 100% want to know. Id be under no illusion as to her reasons for doing so and wouldnt be seeing her in a great light either but she wouldnt be my concern. I think most people would want to know.

Ophelialovescats · 29/04/2018 11:44

OP, if you are not the OW, why don't you send the wife an anonymous letter .
However, you sound way way too involved in your friend's life .

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/04/2018 11:52

NeedAGoodBook
Men get away with this shit because it would be ''revenge'' to tell his wife.

In this case this is exactly what it is, if it was about justice, or even to protect the wife (the irony in that is fucking amazing) it would be different.

Maybe. Heaven forbid he pay for what he did.

How would he be paying for what he did? If he gave a shit about his wife and children (if there are any) he wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

frostymorning1 · 29/04/2018 11:54

However 'broken' your friend is would/will be nothing to compared to that poor bloke's DW. I have no sympathy and if your friend was my friend I'd tell her this is what you get when you continually fuck around with someone who clearly has no morals. She can't seriously have expected anything else? The DW should know but it is not your friend's place, especially as it is so spiteful and vindictive. Your friend doesn't care about her in the least else she'd have told the DW before she started shagging him that the option was on the table. Too late to pretend she has a moral compass now. Close the door, move on and find some self respect.

Rudgie47 · 29/04/2018 12:25

If I were the wife I want to know, irrespective of the woman motives, yes it is nasty whats shes done. But why should the wife be exposed to possible stds and be betrayed for years on end.
If I were the wife I wouldnt blame the OW I would be blaming my husband.She deserves the chance to be able to leave him instead of living a lie.

greendale17 · 29/04/2018 12:43

I would want to know.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 13:02

If it was me ( and no it isn't despite some of the PP suspicions) I'd never have the guts to tell the wife I dont think. I'd be thinking I'd be seen as lower than low, probably get smacked, and either wreck someone's life or watch them patch it up and carry on regardless. But then again I can't imagine ever being in that position. Yes I'm kind of 'invested' in it, shes still a friend. Whether she should be or not is something I guess I'll have to think about.

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 29/04/2018 13:08

If I were the wife, I would want to know, preferably without warning my husband of doing so. Not only so I could get checked for STIs, but also so that I could do the proverbial getting my ducks in a row to protect the financial future for me and my children.

DamsonOnThisDress · 29/04/2018 13:11

I'm completely torn.

On the one hand I would absolutely want to know. That poor woman.

But on the other, she would only be doing it out of spite so I get why you want her to just walk away.

But still... she does deserve to know.

Tricky. Tbh for that reason I probably wouldn't advise her either way and would tell I didn't want hear a damn thing about it.

No right or wrong - it's all very wrong really.

DamsonOnThisDress · 29/04/2018 13:14

Although if she is hellbent on saying something I'd plead with her to not be any more unnecessarily cruel to the wife that it already is.

Your friend doesn't care about the wife. This talk of meeting her sounds dodgy. Loose cannon indeed.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 13:16

To the PP who asked if there are children. My friend has none. He has. Don't know how old though. As for me telling the wife...no thanks!! That would really be overly invested and then I'd be in it upto my neck too! I just wanted to ask more knowledgable, forthright folk their opinions hence posting on here.

OP posts: