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Original poster

Telling his wife as a parting Shot

209 replies

HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 08:19

If you were the wife, would you want to know about your husbands infidelity? To be told by his OW? My friend has been having an affair for a couple of years now. I've kept out of it ( not my circus if you get the drift). She's finally decided after waiting for him to make good on his promises to her that it's never going to happen. He said that it's not the right time, can't hurt his family etc which is all the usual script. Theyre never going to be together. She told me last night that she's had enough and basically wants her life to be more than the crumbs he's giving her.
I agreed she was doing the right thing and had seen sense. ( thought she never should have done it in the first place but hey ho).Anyway, she thinks his wife should know. She wants to meet her. Apparently his wife thinks he's everything marvellous and my friend wants to set her straight with a bucketful of evidence of the cheating he's done. I told her to walk away and not do it. But then I've no idea really. I think I'd want to know if it was me.

OP posts:
RavenLG · 29/04/2018 09:12

To all the women who are saying stay out of it, would you prefer not to know if your partner was having an affair? Is blissful ignorance really better than the truth?

I ask that because I can see both sides of this. The OPs friend is clearly just out for blood and wants to hurt her ex by going after his wife and tearing the family unit apart. But I’d want to know if my parter was doing this, I don’t want to live with a man who goes a fucks another woman then comes home playing happy families.

It’s hard OP, as you say this isn’t anything to do with you, I would encourage her to at least sit on it until the anger and resentment towards her ex as dissipated and see what her stance is then.

MrPan · 29/04/2018 09:13

"Friend" eh?.

Okaaaay..

Smeddum · 29/04/2018 09:17

Isn’t it funny that in stories to the OW the cheater inevitably infantilises his wife. She’s “vulnerable”, she “needs me”, she “can’t cope without me”. All horseshit and bought by a stupid woman happy to believe it because it suits her own agenda.

Intimate pictures = revenge porn, so a criminal record.

Basically, your friend is not telling the wife for any other reason than spite. She can’t be part of this for years and now decide she gives a shit about the wife. She knew fine what she was doing, and now it’s not going her way she’s pissed off. She gave no thought to the wife when he was promising to leave did she?

The wife does deserve to know, because she needs STD checks, and to be able to make her own choice. What she absolutely does not deserve is to hear life changing information from the woman responsible in a spiteful way, that would be very cruel.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 09:25

I wish she hadn't told me. I can't relate at all. I want to stand by her, I don't agree with what she's done. She's told me because she probably thought I'd be the least judgemental as I've supported her in the past. I dont want to see her hurt anymore.

OP posts:
littlevoiceofsanity · 29/04/2018 09:25

Tell the wife. The poor thing is living a lie and deserves to know the truth. The husband in this is the shit. Yes your friend's behaviour is vile and her motives are spiteful but he is the worst culprit. The wife should know.

Saracen · 29/04/2018 09:27

Haven't RTFT. If I were the wife, then if it was a one-off I would rather not know. If he was likely to have additional affairs or resume the current one, or if he has children by the OW, I would want to know. I'll find out eventually and better if that happens sooner.

In many cases it's impossible to predict which of those applies. Where its obvious which way it will go (e.g. he's had other affairs, or the OW is pregnant) then tell me. My guess is that someone who is capable of carrying on an affair for years could well do it again.

If your friend is going to tell the wife, she should have a long hard think first. Doing such a thing out of revenge is horrible, given that there are innocent people involved. She should do it only if she is genuinely convinced it will help the wife and kids.

Cricrichan · 29/04/2018 09:28

The wife deserves to know. She may be unhappy but not realise that he's having an affair so won't take the decision to end the marriage. She may be a sahm even though she'd love to go back to work but is supporting her husband. She may have been noticing that he's changed towards her and not realise why. She may have her suspicions but no proof. Or she may be really happy but waste another 10 years with a cheat as he'll have had a few ow by then.

Regardless of her motives, the wife deserves to know and make whatever decisions she wants to make with full knowledge. (And that info about the wife being helpless speaks volumes about the type of man he is and your friend is lucky she's not ended up with him)

snewname · 29/04/2018 09:30

That just makes a bad situation worse and makes her look like a vindictive bitch.
That's not to say the wife shouldn't be told, poor woman - but it shouldn't come from her. Does she want them to split up so she can claim her man full time?

DairyisClosed · 29/04/2018 09:32

While u think the wife should knew your grind is a bit of a spitful bitch. Maybe as a compromise you could offer to tell the wife. That way you have done right by the wife without hurting her (which is clearly what your friend wants to do). But seriously, why are you friends with this horrible person?

WeAllHaveWings · 29/04/2018 09:34

The majority of women here would want to know if their dh was having sex with other women and then coming home to their bed.

But somehow we have been conditioned, by insignificant reasons designed to make the OW the epitome of evil, to keep it a secret so poor men can continue to be serial adulterers.

Smeddum · 29/04/2018 09:36

I don’t think the wife shouldn’t know, I think that the very worst person to tell her is one doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. Because to be told that by someone complicit in it would be devastating.

He deserves nothing, he is disgusting. His wife, on the other hand, deserves to be told with compassion and empathy. Not spite and triumph.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/04/2018 09:36

OP, are you the OW? It reads like that to me.

If you're not and you're so opposed to this spiteful course of behaviour, you'd have put your friend straight without having to check with anybody; it would just be your moral instinct, wouldn't it?

WorldWideWanderer · 29/04/2018 09:37

Yes, I think she should tell the wife. She will do it for the wrong reasons, but that isn't the point. I agree with other posters who say the wife should know so that she can make decisions about the relationship and protect her health.

And if your friend walks away with no fallout at all, the likelihood is that the husband will have another affair at some point in the future with someone else....the wife needs to know now, and he needs to face up to what he's done too.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 09:37

She's not horrible though. I know why you say that and believe me I don't agree with what she's done. it's crap for all involved. We've been friends a long time and she's helped me through illness, looked after my daughter, too many things to mention. I know she's the 'wicked OW'and maybe I should hate her. I hope she's learned from this.

OP posts:
eloisesparkle · 29/04/2018 09:38

As other posters have said - her reasons for telling the wife are not noble but the wife does need to know.
I'm not sure I'd stay friendly with a woman who is willing to have an affair with a married man and disregard another woman ( wife) and hurt innocent children too.
He's despicable - wanting his cake etc.
I hate duplicity.
He should end his marriage.

Original poster
HennaTattoo · 29/04/2018 09:38

No thankfully im not the OW! Or the wife for that matter...

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/04/2018 09:38

If she is dead set on revealing their affair, then I think she should issue him with an ultimatum, either he tells her himself, or she will.

sofato5miles · 29/04/2018 09:39

A vote for saying nothing. The OW is hurt but telling the wife could blow up a family.

Benandhollysmum · 29/04/2018 09:39

HE was never going to leave his wife for your friend, he knows which side his bread is buttered on, wife picks up his dirty pants and washes them and makes his dinner for him while your friend was used for the extra sex. In the pecking order your friend was far down the list of priorities possibly bottom.

A man will not risk his home, his kids or his wife for a woman that’s willing to drop her knickers for him when he clicks his fingers. Truth!

Your friend why didn’t she open her mouth at the beginning? Oh right yes because she selfish enough to encourage and want a married man, the thrill was there she didn’t care he had kids..she just wanted his body. Now it’s over to make her feel good she wants to expose him? But while she’s exposing him she also risks her name being dragged through mud as well. The kids who’ve never met her will know all about her and how dirty she is, possibly when older if they see her give her a mouthful of abuse as a way of defending their mother. The wife will probably hunt her down and give her a few black eyes which would be deserved, while the man yup the one who went Willingly into your friends bed will blame it on your friend and call her a psycho nutcase.
Now there’s plenty I want to type about the man but to me he’s a scumbag..but what I’ve typed about your friend could possibly happen. She needs to keep her mouth shut

ohreallyohreallyoh · 29/04/2018 09:39

She wants to meet her

Why? So she can amuse herself with his wife’s distress?

I agree that she should be told but the meeting her part feels particularly manipulative and cruel.

Ophelialovescats · 29/04/2018 09:42

I think you are the OW. So, according to your M
M , his wife does nothing and is needy, over reliant on her husband, etc? To me that translates like you are jealous of her , quiet simply , because he is her husband and has no intention of leaving her for you. Tell her , by all means , she deserves to know , but don't expect anyone to come out of this well, you , least of all.

ittakes2 · 29/04/2018 09:45

no that's pretty mean - she is hurting this woman in attempt to get back at her husband. Pretty spiteful - she should just walk away.

Toyboysrus · 29/04/2018 09:45

Coming at it from a different angle, if it's been going on for 2 years the wife may already know but be turning a blind eye to preserve her comfy life style. I've known women be happy that their dh gets sex elsewhere so they don't have to bother with it. She may not want to be 'told' as she would then have to confront the situation. Of course this may not be the case here!

ShellyBoobs · 29/04/2018 09:46

You friend sounds fucking vile.

Viola82 · 29/04/2018 09:48

whatever the reasons are, whatever the method, the wife should know.
I'd prefer to have my life 'destroyed' than live on a lie.