Telling his wife as a parting Shot

[HennaTattoo]

If you were the wife, would you want to know about your husbands infidelity? To be told by his OW? My friend has been having an affair for a couple of years now. I've kept out of it ( not my circus if you get the drift). She's finally decided after waiting for him to make good on his promises to her that it's never going to happen. He said that it's not the right time, can't hurt his family etc which is all the usual script. Theyre never going to be together. She told me last night that she's had enough and basically wants her life to be more than the crumbs he's giving her.
I agreed she was doing the right thing and had seen sense. ( thought she never should have done it in the first place but hey ho).Anyway, she thinks his wife should know. She wants to meet her. Apparently his wife thinks he's everything marvellous and my friend wants to set her straight with a bucketful of evidence of the cheating he's done. I told her to walk away and not do it. But then I've no idea really. I think I'd want to know if it was me.

Her motives may not be the best, but the wife does deserve to know and she will at least have to get herself tested for STIs.

Not content with shitting on a fellow woman once, she wants to do it twice. Deplorable.

She should walk away while she still has some dignity intact.

I think the wife deserves to know, but I would probably leave the intimate photos out of it. Yes, it may be spiteful, but I would want to know if it was me.

She didn't have a conscience about the impact of her choices on the OW when she started the affair, why would she now that she's not getting the outcome that she'd hoped for?

It is not her place to tell the wife about her OH. If it is to make herself feel better and hope that she leaves him so he gets punished too, she'll feel even worse when the wife takes him back anyway and then claims that the affair has led to them growing closer.

Well yeah actually they are sexual deviants if they're happy to fuck another womans husband..

The wife deserves to know, and your friend or the husband get no sympathy from me. Out of spite or not, atleast his wife has a choice to leave and be happy with someone who isn't a sleazy twat.
Then even if your friend and this man get together, they'll be well suited and it will probably end in tears. Which is all they deserve.

Well I’d certainly want to know
If my husband had been fucking someone else. I’d want to be able to leave him and start my life over.

Also, I’m not sure why the man gets to have an affair then go back to his wife and family unscathed.

So it might be spiteful, but then there’s nothing savoury about this whole scenario.

It’s for the wrong reasons just now on your friends side....but I think she should tell the poor wife. Your friend needs to think incredibly carefully about the way she ought to go about it. The wife may not want to meet her for example, then the husband might get involved and become an even bigger mess.
I don’t think your friend should do it right now, while she is so fragile and raw “a loose cannon”, I think perhaps a few weeks of calming down might be better.

I would want to know if I were the wife.

But the fall out in some situations might be awful.

She realises that she’s not going to come out of this with any sense of glory or dignity right?

The man involved will be cruel to her. She will be cast as the ‘bad guy’ whether we think that’s ok or not. It will be embarrassing, demeaning and no sort of power trip.

I feel sorry for his wife but the OW may not be the last one with such husband.

She was always intending on destroying that woman’s life - she was just waiting for the man to deliver the news. Now she’s determined to do it herself, even without her booby prize (him).

Let her. That poor woman’s life as she knew it was over 2 years ago, when he started fucking your friend. Not knowing isn’t going to change the reality - she married to a cheating ass. She should know and be able to decide for herself if she wants to stay married to him.

Yes I think the wife does have a right to know what kind of person she's married to. My holier than thou (church going, community type, doesn't approve of swearing) MIL had an affair which totally blind sided poor FIL. Whilst he was devastated at the time (he had a breakdown and tried to commit suicide) he ended up with a much nicer person who makes him happy. Of course all the sympathy went to MIL who is your typical narc (can you tell I don't like her yet?!) MIL tried to get back with FIL who told her to get stuffed so she's stuck with the old git she left him for.

Thanks all. I've taken it on board. Not that she won't do what she wants anyhow. As for his wife..well from what I've heard, ( if it's true as it's him telling my friend so...) wife doesn't work. They have great lifestyle and she does nothing. He does want to leave her " helpless" as she can't function on her own and has always had him to do everything for her. That's why he won't leave. So my friend just feels used. I think she should've seen this coming but hindsight and all that. I'm scared for her though...but as PP have said..yes,it sounds as though happy families would continue and he'll be free to screw around forever

Does she understand that she will be aging to the wife “ I am a careless home wrecker who has given not one thought to your happiness or wellbeing over the last two years and I apologise for that, but now that I’m done shaggng him I’m here to turn your world upside down “.

Unless she is prepared to say that she is a hypocrite. I know he is the one who is married etc, but she carried it in knowing that, in wilful denial.

Well you know it's horrible being married to a cheater & others knowing & not you.

Yes she's being spiteful, but when I was in the dark we were talking about ttc!

Thank goodness I found out & could walk away without being tied to him for years!

I have found that on some level, wives might already know anyway. And just choosing to ignore it. I know a couple of situations where the mistress has done something similar and the wives just chose to ignore.

I would want her to tell me

Why the hell do men do this

Yes, all his fault they are both equally liable for the mess.

If she wanted happy ever after she shouldn't have started a relationship with a married man. She made her choices as an adult and is responsible for them but thinks he's to blame apparently for some reason. It sounds like she needs to grow up.

Now he won't give into her demands she plans to ruin another woman's life as revenge? The wife does deserve to know but she's not doing it for that reason, she's doing it out of malice.

As for his wife..well from what I've heard, ( if it's true as it's him telling my friend so...) wife doesn't work. They have great lifestyle and she does nothing. He does want to leave her " helpless" as she can't function on her own and has always had him to do everything for her.

😂 What a knight in shining armour 😂

Bollocks.

As for...'she's doing it for revenge' - bollocks to that too. She thinks if she tells the wife, the wife will leave the husband, he'll come running to her, and they'll walk hand in hand into the sunset.

I've a friend in very similar situation who's own marriage has been ruined by the affair but the bloke still 'happily' married
Friend wants to tell the wife - I used to be dead against it but actually now think the wife should know as the affairs been going on for years and I would hate to not know if I was the wife . I do think it's risky though and I've told friend she needs to seriously consider the husband and wife's reactions

Problem is, he has used her. And he’s a grade A cunt,
If she was vulnerable then it’s going to be a bitter pill to swallow, and she’s not going to get much sympathy.

But I would tell her this:

It will only hurt her, it will not go the way she wants, she might get some instant relief (and I beleive she probably wants to hurt him, not the wife, but currently that’s the only way she can hurt him)
But she won’t hurt him, people like this don’t get hurt in the same way she’s hurting. And it will eat away at her, before she does it, and if she does it, afterwards.

The only thing she can do, is get to a therapist ASAP. Try and work out why she ended up with someone that cruelly manipulated her for 2 years, and why she was happy to only take the crumbs for that time.

Then go on a live a happy life.

I would think it’s very unlikely that his wife doesn’t know something already.

"she can't function on her own and has always had him to do everything for her."

She has probably had to do quite a lot of functioning on her own, looking after the kids and house all by herself, while he was out shagging your mate.

No. She is not doing it because she truly believes the wife should know. Your friend just wants to destroy the lives of both the husband and wife. She should walk away and work on her own issues.

If your friend decides to tell his wife, she should do it in the kindest, least confrontational way. Remembering the person at fault here is neither the wife or your friend but the shit choosing to hurt everyone around him.