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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
motorpink · 28/04/2018 09:59

Not over reacting.

Do not look back.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 28/04/2018 09:59

He is what is known as an asshole a controlling one aswell

Chocmallows · 28/04/2018 10:04

He wants you, but not to be part of your life. You can't walk away from your life, but you can walk away from him.

I'm currently in a very new relationship with someone without Dcs, and have been in this position before. I think it it's harder!

category12 · 28/04/2018 10:06

Dump the fuckwit.

category12 · 28/04/2018 10:08

He isn't just critical where it's none of his business, but he wants to put a wedge between you and your dc. You need to dump him so fast his head spins.

Footle · 28/04/2018 10:09

You and your girls are lucky that he's made it so clear. Living with him would be a disaster.

wobblebot · 28/04/2018 10:09

I wouldn't accept that. If you allow the relationship to continue you risk your DD's happiness. If he's this controlling now, imagine if you were to live together... Put your DD's first and end the relationship.

Well done for doing so well so far, don't let him ruin that now.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 28/04/2018 10:10

He sounds like he doesn't actually like your kids. For me, he would be an ex.

Jonbb · 28/04/2018 10:10

You might like to consider if he is like this after 5 months, his attitude toward your children and you will deteriorate the longer the relationship continues. You sound like an inspirational person juggling being a student, a mother, and working as well. I've done the same thing and in my experience men who lack self esteem find this threatening because you are achieving good things on your own and don't 'need' them. Move on, don't look back . . .

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 28/04/2018 10:12

When someone shows you their true colours, listen. That's exactly what he has done here. Do not continue with this relationship.

FrancisUnderwood · 28/04/2018 10:12

He'll no, this has red bunting all over it.
It will end over the kids eventually anyway, I'd do it sooner rather than later. You're not overreacting at all and fwiw, you're doing GREAT.

BrutusMcDogface · 28/04/2018 10:14

I'm surprised nobody has said that 4 months together probably isn't long enough before introducing him to your daughters. Too much, too soon and he's making it very clear that he's not interested in being part of your lives. You must be feeling awful this morning, but please don't waste too much energy on him. Move on. Flowers

WhatLineyDidNext · 28/04/2018 10:15

I recently broke up a fairly long-standing relationship because he had rather too many views to express on my teenage son, and let them cloud his normally sunny disposition.

He may have occasionally had a point - but I didn't need the judgy shit and you don't need, in your case, the sulks. What we need is proper grown up communication and a positive attitude and kindness.

HipsterAssassin · 28/04/2018 10:16

This post made my blood run cold. End it. By text. Block him and never see him again. Then, when you have finished your course, get some counselling to figure out why you even thought you could have a relationship with someone who did this.

Flowers
Broadwsybabe · 28/04/2018 10:17

Sounds like you a are a fantastic mum to me. You deserve a relationship that enhances your life- you have to decide if this fits the bill.

Blushlove · 28/04/2018 10:18

You're doing an amazing job on your own, anyone you add in to the mix should acknowledge that, it tearing you down when it's only been a few months! You and your girls deserve much much more than some arsehole who thinks he's got the right to criticise without walking barely a step in your shoes.

Dvg · 28/04/2018 10:18

It's none of his business tbh and I wouldn't allow someone to tell me how to parent after 5 months :S

NameWithChamge · 28/04/2018 10:19

You're doing your best - and not a bad job by the sounds of it!

Who does he think he is? Bloody cheek. You don't need that type of person dragging you down. You have done very well managing as you have with little support. You really don't need a man like this in your life, it will only get harder.

It will be sad to end it for you after so long alone but a lot sadder if you stay with him and he has more input over your life with your DCs.

Move forward without him.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/04/2018 10:20

I had a boyfriend who suggested I should ensure DS was in bed earlier but to his credit he was amazing to his children and mine and he didn’t know DS is a proper night owl.

This is not right, you have been together for such a short time and he has know your kids for so little and doesn’t have relationship with them.

I find it interesting he feels strongly about this. It is too early to try to dictate how you go about your children, especially when you are doing so much.

VioletCharlotte · 28/04/2018 10:20

You sound like a fab Mum who's doing a great job. He sounds controlling and horrible. If he's like this after a few months months, can you imagine what it would be like to live together? Get rid of him, you're worth so much more.

Eatmycheese · 28/04/2018 10:21

Bless you.
He’s the one who is out of order and a shit. How horrible to pick on you and start to assess you in such a way after a hard day.

To quote Mr Byrne
“Run run run run run run run away”

bionicnemonic · 28/04/2018 10:21

I know you need support but could you find it elsewhere? Maybe just focus on your children for the next few years...bringing a partner into your life can be very complicated in lots of ways (or am I just projecting?)

Trampire · 28/04/2018 10:21

I'd be upset too. He's being very critical and controlling.

I have two dcs and my eldest 13. She often is listening to something when she comes into a room. Talking to mist people I know nearly all teenagers are the same. Wearing headphones a lot, looking a a screen a lot. However, as adults WE DO IT! As long as your dcs are happy and healthy I think they are very normal.

He's being very unreasonable. You sound like a great parent.

Cricrichan · 28/04/2018 10:23

He shouldn't be criticising your parenting, no. But I think it's hard for adults to see how kids are today, compared to how we were with our parents when we were children and unless you have kids yourself and realise that they're all like this, you may blame the parenting (unfairly).

Which is why I'm never living with a man again whilst my children are still at home. But he doesn't live with you and is trying to control your children even when they're with your mum and that's ridiculous and a big warning sign.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 28/04/2018 10:23

“Constructive criticism”

no no, that’s just criticism.

And he’s a turd.

Please do not engage with this twat again.