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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 28/04/2018 11:05

You and your DDs come as a package. If he’s not able to cope with that he’s not the right man for you.

I’m sorry you had a crap day and an even crapper even. I’d have gone home too.

Flowers

Agree with previous posters - concentrate your energy on sorting out finances with your ex. If all this can be sorted then you will hopefully be a bit less stressed and life might be a bit easier.

MakeItRain · 28/04/2018 11:06

I would be inclined to send him a message saying "Our ideas of parenting are very different and our relationship never going to work out. I wish you all the best." Or something bland like that that he can't argue with.
Regarding the house, it might be worth contacting some local solicitors to see if they offer a free hour/half hour as many do.

Jaxhog · 28/04/2018 11:11

It is none of his damn business. It's one thing to make suggestions to help you, it's quite another to instruct you on how to parent!

Dump him. He'll only get worse.And you deserve better.

Petalflowers · 28/04/2018 11:13

You sound like you are doing great.

I also,think this guy is not the one.

lovelycuppateas · 28/04/2018 11:13

I think he is thinking ahead and worrying about how life would be if he moved in with you and the kids. It's very hard as a single parent to feel that someone is criticising your parenting, but perhaps he doesn't see it in that light? Perhaps he thinks he is helping? (Yes, I know he's not!) I don't think, tbh, this is a ltb moment, but one when you need to find out more and talk, really honestly, about his ideas about the kids. It's hard for people looking in on the outside to understand how exhausting and full of compromises single-parenting can be and I had (perhaps less harsh) comments from my current partner about my kids right at the beginning that really upset me. It was clear all along that I would always prioritise the kids but the comments also hurt because in some ways he was right and trying to protect me - maybe you should be able to listen to music, for example but you've been putting everyone else's needs first for so long that you can't see it? Maybe, from his point of view, he's trying to protect you from overwork?

I'd suggest it might be better to keep them all separate for a while? 5 months isn't that long. My partner didn't have much to do with my kids for about a year, and moved in two years after the beginning of our relationship after a long period of increasing contact step by step. There were many, many discussions about approaches to parenting. There still are. Until he moved in though he had NO IDEA of how much I was doing for them, or how difficult these choices can be. We are 7 years down the line now, and everyone gets on really well. You just need to be aware that it's a lot of work and continued effort.It's scary for him too. Good luck with it!

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 11:14

So much wrong with what this man is doing. It has absolutely nothing to do with him how you parent your DCs, he's only been in their life for 5 minutes. At least he's shown you his true colours this early in the relationship.

I agree with the advice to dump him. Hopefully from now on, he'll date women without children.

I'm sorry this has happened, OP. Thanks

expatinscotland · 28/04/2018 11:16

'My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it'

He what?! He took your phone? Is he Professor Snape? Going to put you in detention next? He is a weapons grade dicksmack. He doesn't like your kids. At all. He doesn't want a girlfriend who has kids. He's a controlling cunt. He's already negging you, your kids, your parenting and making you doubt yourself. He will wear you down and fuck up your kids if you don't bin him off pronto.

A teenager up at 10pm on a Friday night and he's going off? PMSL!

RUN! He will fuck up everything with your kids if you continue to associate with him.

He hasn't contacted you this morning because that's part of his control, wearing you down and making you question yourself.

Fuck that!

Text him one more time. 'This relationship isn't working for me, so I'm ending it and moving on.' And that's IT. You owe him nothing.

Block and delete.

Get some boundaries in place, too, before dating again.

Dozer · 28/04/2018 11:17

Run for the hills.

Aussiebean · 28/04/2018 11:19

It reminds me of first time parents, in the middle of their first pregnancy who judge the way other parents raise their kids and how their kids will never do that.

And of course, if they are naive enough to say it out loud, other parents just laugh at them and wait til the child is born.

But this... this is far more sinister.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2018 11:20

And it's not your fucking job to educate him about what it's like to parent, or have talks or figure out his needs. FFS. He's an adult. He took your phone off you like a naughty school kid.

'When people tell you who they are, listen to them first time.'

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/04/2018 11:20

In my experience, men who claim they are offering constructive criticism and you should be able to take it (without ever saying anything positive) always turn out to be pompous arseholes, and are often at least emotionally abusive too.
There is nothing constructive about his criticism. It was meant to bring you down, not lift you up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2018 11:28

This man you've been seeing is both critical and judgmental and not a decent role model to your DDs either. You need to dump this man before he further drags you down with him.

It may well be also that your boundaries need work so perhaps looking at sites like Baggage Reclaim could help you in that respect.
The Rights of Women organisation may be able to assist too with legal advice.

whatyadoing · 28/04/2018 11:31

He sounds like a right twat and you sound like you're doing an amazing job! Don't even think about missing him, he is an arsehole; not worth the dirt on the soles of your shoes.

Enjoy your lovely family with no twunt dictating what you should be doing. He knows fuck all.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 28/04/2018 11:32

you sound like a great mum juggling a lot of stuff, he sounds like an arse who really is not worth the hassle, dump his arse quick smart.

re the house; no way should your ex get 50% of equity unless he is paying half, if you are paying the mortgage for 16 years (not sure if this is right) then it should be more like 25-30%. I have had personal experience of this feel free to pm me

fluffyrobin · 28/04/2018 11:35

YOU SOUND AMAZING! Grin

If a man doesn't leave you with a warm, fuzzy feeling after you have spent time with him THEN GET RID!

ReanimatedSGB · 28/04/2018 11:40

Definitely text this man to say he's dumped, and he's not to contact you again. There was a thread on here recently from an OP who's sister went from one abusive relationship to the next and always picked the new man over her existing DC.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2018 11:43

He has no right to act in this way regarding your children. He doesn’t sound like a good man. You otoh sound as if you’re doing your absolute best for your children.

Jazzy11 · 28/04/2018 11:43

He's a dick and not worthy of being in yours and your children's lives x

mzcracker · 28/04/2018 11:44

He's a bellend. Let this one go and chalk it up to experience.
5 months is a very short time to be involving someone you barely know in your children's lives and this is why it's not a great idea.

JiminyBillyBob · 28/04/2018 11:45

You sound wonderful. He’s a steaming turd 💩

MadameJosephine · 28/04/2018 11:48

Tell him to stick his ‘constructive criticism’ up his arse, the prick.

Then move on and don’t look back.

viques · 28/04/2018 11:50

Sorry! Clearly I misread the first part and have now realised you were referring to your ex s lack of parenting input.

MistressDeeCee · 28/04/2018 11:51

Just get rid of him. You don't need a controlling judgmental idiot who is inadequate himself (that's why they behave this way) & gets off on criticising others. 1 word against my kids from some bloke who only landed months ago he'd be binned. You've more than enough to do in your life.

When you meet the next man don't overshare about issues with your DCs dad, by the way.

If he's like this when your DCs are away and not even around, you surely must see the warning signs re him ever living with you and being around them more.

Get rid. Sit down and work on your own life. It's so hard bring a single mum. But there are people who come along and make things worse. You don't need that, and nor do your kids. Don't bring this man into their life it's not fair.

Beaverhausen · 28/04/2018 11:52

Hi OP a few things firstly regarding your house. A friend of mine went through the same thing with her ex and as long as you can prove that you have been paying the mortgage solicitors will work out a fair deal but you will get a bigger percentage.

As for the bottom feeder you do mot need someone like him in yours or your dd's life. Dump the dick by text.

You are doin a brilliant job on your own do not let it get to You, the right person will come along it took me 6 years to find mine and he is a brilliant dad to my dd. It will happen. Xx

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 11:53

Thankyou all again 😊
Lovelycuppateas - I understand we all have different parenting views but I would never comment on his parenting (he has 3 dc's, all around the same age) and i told him this. I explained it's their Home, it doesn't bother me if my dd is listening to music whilst I am. It's background noise to me, I'm always busy pottering and organising to sit and actually listenin. Sometimes we all take it in turns to listen to our favourite song. As for putting everyone else's needs first then, Yes, I do, they're my dd's and I always will. If he thought that maybe I needed to put my needs first maybe suggest I do something For myself or better still, he could do something lovely For me. Like understand I had a bad day and the last thing I needed was 'Constructive criticism'. For me, this regarding how I parent was the last straw. He has previously made comments (I need to do more shifts if I'm skint. Why should he be expected to travel to me if I can't afford to travel to him. Lots of tit for tats) and I now question how things will be if we continue as he is. Looking back I remember chatting about my not so nice step father and how it's effected me as an adult. I don't say too much because it's personal and quite upsetting. As the months have past, and it's been mentioned, he said 'it doesn't sound as bad as what you made out.' He went on to say just because your parents were emotionally unavailable that doesn't compare to sexual/physical abuse. I explained, I'm not comparing it, I'm saying I have been effected and you have no clue how so you cannot compare what is classed as bad or not so bad (to me it was bad and lots of neglect). It's like whatever I think or feel, he has something to say about it. Like what I think isn't ever right.
Ps thankyou for the advice re house. That's my main aim now.

OP posts: