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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
blinkowl · 28/04/2018 13:06

I was always on edge and never knew why.

This is a massive red flag, it's your instincts shouting at you that this isn't right! Remember this feeling and next time you'll know.

Sounds like you've got great instincts as it goes, well done for leaving his place when he started that crap. You just need to learn to trust yourself enough to listen to them!

sprinklesandsauce · 28/04/2018 13:09

OP, he just has different views to you and parents his own DC differently. He’s not controlling just because he suggests doing things differently.

I can’t stand hearing two different noises at once so I wouldn’t allow DC on YT if I had radio on. I don’t blame him for being annoyed. Your DD was thoughtless rather than rude though, but if you’ve never stopped her then she wouldn’t think she was doing wrong, whereas he did. I would be really irritated by two noises.

Kids today do have too much screen time but it is also your house, your rules. My DC aren’t allowed screen time before school, whether phone or tablet.

I don’t think you will be compatible long term as you are too different, but you also have to consider that you have been on your own a long time and are used to doing things your way so may need to compromise on some things in a relationship.

But clearly this man can’t support you emotionally when you need it, so I would end it if you feel he’s not there for you and your DC.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2018 13:13

' He has previously made comments (I need to do more shifts if I'm skint. Why should he be expected to travel to me if I can't afford to travel to him. Lots of tit for tats) and I now question how things will be if we continue as he is. Looking back I remember chatting about my not so nice step father and how it's effected me as an adult. I don't say too much because it's personal and quite upsetting. As the months have past, and it's been mentioned, he said 'it doesn't sound as bad as what you made out.' He went on to say just because your parents were emotionally unavailable that doesn't compare to sexual/physical abuse. I explained, I'm not comparing it, I'm saying I have been effected and you have no clue how so you cannot compare what is classed as bad or not so bad (to me it was bad and lots of neglect). '

Get rid! There's a reason he's divorced.

And please, please take Attila's advice on some sites to look at and read the sticky tops on this board regarding red flags.

DUMP at the first one. Seriously, so many people get into shit relationships by second guessing themselves, denigrating and not listening to their own feelings, minimising, giving second and subsequent chances because they're conditioned to be nice, etc.

You owe this man nothing. He's bad news.

Text and dump. 'This isn't working for me. This relationship is over and I want no further contact with you.' The end.

category12 · 28/04/2018 13:16

Bollocks, it is controlling to take the phone off her and in a relationship of 5 months when he's barely met the dc, he's got no right criticising how OP parents.

Dozer · 28/04/2018 13:19

Bin off the new bf and crack on with sorting the house issue out. Money is a challenge and is needed to sort out the property disagreement and properly get rid of your ex, so dating probably isn’t affordable at the moment.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2018 13:22

'He's your partner and is taking an interest in raising your kids.
He hasn't TOLD you to do anything. 10pm IS too late for school age kids, although we all break that rule occasionally....'

He's not a partner. She's been seeing him for five months, the dating equivalent of 5 minutes. He took away her phone. Hmm

SoapOnARoap · 28/04/2018 14:00

A lot of people (female & Male) without children, just don’t get that the world doesn’t revolve around them in a relationship & can be so needy. Block this arse for ever. What a sad excuse of a human

ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 14:04

@Soaponarope that's a massive generalisation! A lot of parents can have the same problem!! Have you never met a needy parent or a selfish one!? I have!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/04/2018 14:05

I think she said “a lot of” not “all”. No massive generalisation there...

ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 14:10

Splitting hairs, it was a massive generalisation. I didn't say she said all!!

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 14:59

Anyway, he has 3 DCs, according to the OP. Although he probably only has them EOW, so he doesn't have to deal with the day-to-day parenting.

seventh · 28/04/2018 15:24

Been there

Put up with it

I was wrong to put up with it

I should have binned him right there and then

Fucking cunt

OliviaStabler · 28/04/2018 15:27

I don't think you are compatible. He clearly disapproves of the way you choose to live given the number of pointed comments and observations he's made about your choices.

If it was only one or two then maybe that would be ok. I would find it very rude if someone walked into my kitchen playing music while I was listening to music myself. However at 5 months I'd have put that point of view across very casually if at all.

I could possibly, if being kind, understated that he wanted time with you alone at 10pm without interruption as your dd was with your mother and, unless it was an emergency, he might want some precious one on one time with you as you had had a very stressful day and he wanted to give you a break.

However the comments about you taking extra shifts, 'why should he come to your's comments combined with the ones above just stink incompatibility to me.

Joysmum · 28/04/2018 15:39

Ok so given he’s saying he’s offered constructive criticism could you now list all the positive comments and affirmations he’s given you in your parenting?

I suspect there aren’t any.

Charley50 · 28/04/2018 15:44

Another one coming on to say that you sound like a lovely person and wonderful mum, and he sounds like a complete and controlling wanker.

Hope you have got rid of him already. Thanks

Karigan1 · 28/04/2018 15:47

Sorry he intercepted a call for you and hung up? Am I reading that right? If I am you did exactly the right thing leaving. If he’s trying to control you like that at 5 months what’s he going to be like when you’re tied to him financial or by kids. No long term prospects there except ones that’ll make your life miserable. Leave and spend the timefibdibg someone who respects you

VerbenaBorensis · 28/04/2018 15:49

The bit that got me was that he tried to stop you from speaking to your daughter! -what a bloody cheek! Kids come first. Yes agree with all thats been said-sounds controlling (had plenty of firsthand experience of this unfortunately ) signd are all there. If I were you wouldn't contact him again and if he doesn't contact you-result! You sound like a fantastic Mum someone like him could ruin all yr good work (also from experience) Also -10pm not late and lots of kids I know go to bed that late, including mine. All the best. Star

DPotter · 28/04/2018 15:57

Seems to be a bit of a pattern here today - highly capable mother, working her butt of to better her career opportunities to support her children, gets a dressing down by some man who thinks he knows what her life is like.
Bubble - you are one of those highly capable mothers raising daughters, studying and working at the same time. What a fantastic example you are setting for your girls!

As others have said if this is how he is talking to you 5 months in, when it's meant to be fun, he isn't a keeper.

Pls don't call him. Let it die a natural death. Lift your chin, look the world square in the face and dare it to say one word against you. Enjoy a nice quiet day with your girls.
Oh and you were absolutely right in leaving last night.

DPotter · 28/04/2018 15:57

Sorry - working her butt off...

VerbenaBorensis · 28/04/2018 15:58

Just like to add before I get shot down-10pm for older kids for bedtime ok-not little ones! Still not his call at this point....

lubeybooby · 28/04/2018 16:05

well done leaving. don't ever have him back. beter to be alone and free, your girls too rather than walking on eggshells to please some twat who has no clue

elisenbrunnen · 28/04/2018 16:20

Glad that most on here are agreed that this is controlling and will not get any better! 5 months? That is no time at all.

Bit worrying tho the posters who think that he is NOT controlling, that you should be telling your daughter not to play YT or music or stay up till 10pm on a Friday! Some people have really low standards. Stick to yours, OP!

You've done single-parenting well for years, you don't need some prick coming along negging you and pressurising you to do it differently to how YOU WANT TO!

Roaring20s · 28/04/2018 16:24

You must be joking. He met them after 4 months?

Please take a parenting class

fc301 · 28/04/2018 16:28

Step back from this OP. Put all the parenting critique to one side. What I am hearing loud and clear from your OP is:
I AM ANGRY THAT YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ME FIRST SO I WILL BEGIN TO UNDERMINE YOU UNTIL YOU FALL INTO LINE.
No. No No No.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/04/2018 16:41

Even if he were 100% right that your parenting was not up to scratch (which IMO he is not) he should have found a sensitive way to raise it. Taking the phone off you because he thought your daughter should have been asleep is so high-handed it's out of sight. Glad to hear you've decided to give him a swerve. Commiserations though, it's a sad thing to find out what looked like a long-term partner has turned out to be an arse.

Onwards, upwards and better luck next time!