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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 11:54

He doesn't want to be with a woman with children, it screams out from your post. Dump him and find someone who will fit in with your life. He'll make you miserable.

category12 · 28/04/2018 11:56

He sounds like really bad news, OP. Red flags popping up everywhere.

Joanna57 · 28/04/2018 11:58

Close the door on him and don't look back.

I was once in a 'relationship' with a bloke like yours. He was great when my kids were not around, but awful when they was.

I once popped out, leaving him with the kids for about 20 minutes.

When I came back both my kids were crying in their bedrooms. They hadn't jumped high enough when he said jump.

He was gone within 15 minutes and never returned. Luckily we never lived together.

He wanted me and my house, but not my kids.

HonkyWonkWoman · 28/04/2018 11:58

He's not good news for you or your Dc.

No choice really!
He'll have to go!

whatyadoing · 28/04/2018 11:59

He sounds worse with every post OP. My favourite piece of advice you received here was along the lines of 'Tell him to shove his 'constructive' criticism up his hole, the prick' Grin

IveGotNoClothes · 28/04/2018 12:00

I'm really confused, how is him pointing out the kids go to bed late, being controlling??

You've obviously got different ways to parent kids.....personally to me you sound soft.

I'd be very similar to your OH. I've a DS and if that makes me a strict Mum then tough.

mzcracker · 28/04/2018 12:01

He just sounds awful! You seem like a lovely mum.
Don't let this fucker destroy your confidence because that's what it sounds like he's trying to do. Minimising your feelings is a massive red flag.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 28/04/2018 12:01

Bubbles me and my siblings were raised by a single mum like you: hard working, adapting to make things work (yeah bed times were hit and miss), not overly authoritative, basically relaxed about the little stuff, and no input from our dad. And now as an adult I thank my lucky stars she was my mum every day. You’re giving your girls tools to be hard working and flexible for the rest of life!
The issue is his, not yours. Thank God you found out only a few months in! They’ll be someone else out there who you deserve more than this guy. You deserve better (and I’d have said that to my mum too).

feelingfree17 · 28/04/2018 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheJoyOfSox · 28/04/2018 12:14

You and your DDs come as a package. This man doesn’t seem able to accept your children. He’s not worth the hassle he will inevitably bring.

I’m sorry for you, but you and your children deserve better.

Gin 💐

TheJoyOfSox · 28/04/2018 12:17

*I'm really confused, how is him pointing out the kids go to bed late, being controlling??

You've obviously got different ways to parent kids.....personally to me you sound soft.

I'd be very similar to your OH. I've a DS and if that makes me a strict Mum then tough.*

But how would you react @IveGotNoClothes if a new man started telling you that you’re wrong and you should let your kids go to bed later? You’d just accept his word as a childless man would you?

BlackandWhitePostcards · 28/04/2018 12:18

My mum had boyfriends like this and it made my life an absolute misery. Be very proud of yourself for recognising that his behaviour from him is controlling and unacceptable.

mistermagpie · 28/04/2018 12:20

He sounds awful but you sound lovely and like a relaxed, supportive and busy single mum. You'll meet someone way better than this chump if you want to but for now, kick him firmly to the kerb and move on. You barely know each other and he's only met your kids a couple of times, he has no place telling you how to parent them.

Olympiathequeen · 28/04/2018 12:21

You have enough on your plate (and doing well btw) without taking on an entitled man-child.

End it. It’s just not worth it.

bertielab · 28/04/2018 12:23

Dump him - I would never normally say this as there are two sides but he is awful. He is obviously such a wonderful parent and you aren’t in his mind.

Sort out your own finances and to be honest no relationship is better than this. Build your confidence up - you deserve more than this.

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 12:23

Thankyou all so so much. I feel so much better and supported.
Teatimeforthesoul - that was lovely to read. So lovely you look back like that. I always wonder, I always question. I try to do the right thing and we don't have a rule book do we. I just want to be the person, the mum, that I never had.
Thankyou all so much.
I do feel sad as it's not nice having to end something. I think I feel sad because I'm losing the expectations of what it would have been like to finally find someone.
I never did get a warm fuzzy feeling. Kinda thought it didn't exist. I was always on edge and never knew why. Thought it was because I wasn't used to being in a man's company as in, a relationship. Maybe tgat was a red flag in itself.
Thankyou all so so much. I am so grateful 😊

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 28/04/2018 12:26

He does raise a few points though, albeit very badly. Maybe he just doesn't deliver these points very well.

Please bear in mind that a lot (not all, but a lot of) women on here are all for LTB if a man so much as looks at them without a smile!

I would try to understand whether he meant well or not. I wouldn't call him controlling. He's your partner and is taking an interest in raising your kids.
He hasn't TOLD you to do anything. 10pm IS too late for school age kids, although we all break that rule occasionally....

Personally I'd be more worried if he paid zero interest in your children. I really wouldn't say he's trying to 'drive a wedge' - That's a little dramatic! Yes I realise they are your kids but if you & him were to live together/marry then he would be their Stepfather! Would you run off crying if he suggested they were up late then? X

category12 · 28/04/2018 12:27

And presumably Ivegotnoclothes would also be fine with him taking her phone off her when her dc called. A boyfriend of 5 months. Hmm

Lookatyourwatchnow · 28/04/2018 12:27

Well done for going home. You have good boundaries so don't let him make you second guess yourself. It's obvious that he would have continued to pick apart your parenting and your children's behaviours. Easy for him to critique you whilst only caring for his children part time.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 28/04/2018 12:31

Why should he be expected to travel to me if I can't afford to travel to him

OH FUCK THAT

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2018 12:32

I’m glad you’ve found your voice through this discussion. It sounds as if you finished a relationship with a controlling and ignorant man only to find a similar replacement. I am quite infuriated by what he said about your experiences growing up. It makes it even more sure that he would have no respect for your dds needs and feelings if you ever moved in together. I hope he treats his children better than he has treated any of you. And yes, the warm, fuzzy feeling isn’t a myth.

Cricrichan · 28/04/2018 12:35

He sounds horrible, especially the tit for tat, that isn't the actions and words of a man who cares for you.

He may have kids and he may be strict with them and that's up to him. But it could also be the reason why he's split from his wife and they might be scared of him. I was raised by strict parents and whilst we may have behaved and we had a nice enough childhood, I couldn't really be myself until I left home. My children may behave in certain ways that I'd rather they didn't at times, but all in all we are a happy family and I have good kids who can relax and enjoy their time at home. I'm relaxed about their bedrooms being messy as long as they pick their stuff up from the rest of the house and they tidy once a week so it can get cleaned for example. My DDs don't need to wear make up but they enjoy it so I let them. I wasn't allowed to wear any so had to hide like I did. I wasn't allowed boyfriends but my children are and they bring their boyfriends and girlfriends home etc.

Ohyesiam · 28/04/2018 12:38

Yanbu. It sounds to me like you having kids doesn’t suit him, and instead of having some backbone and telling you that and walking away like an adult, he finds things to complain about.
You sound loke a great mum, and really capable, you have so much on your plate.
Laughing at the idea that a 13 year old should be asleep by 9.39 10.
You are right, you need a supportive man who will either fit in with your set up, or pitch in and help.
Hope you find a good one, you deserve it.

OnTheRise · 28/04/2018 12:42

He went on to say just because your parents were emotionally unavailable that doesn't compare to sexual/physical abuse.

There's no scale for abuse. One kind is no easier to endure than another. And he wasn't there: he doesn't get to tell you that you were wrong to be upset by it.

It sounds to me that he met your children and so felt like his feet were under the table. You're better off without this one.

Oh, and your children are lucky to have you. You sound like a fab mum.

Vangoghsear · 28/04/2018 12:47

The detail is irrelevant really, he doesn't like your DCs or aspects of your style of parenting. Therefore there is no future in the relationship. Don't let his opinions affect you too much - you are obviously doing loads of things right and coping with a very busy life.

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