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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
yourveryworstnightmare · 28/04/2018 10:23

Clearly you are not made for each other. He has a very different idea on how to bring up a child. So leave.

Onecutefox · 28/04/2018 10:24

He shows his controlling behaviour already. No, don't go back to him. Your daughters are your priority and you're doing an excellent job as a single parent. If he moves in with you, your daughters will not forgive you as he will be bossing around everyone.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2018 10:24

I'm sorry but you need to end this. You do. This man is controlling and has a deeply unpleasant side to his character. You do not wish a man involved with uour children who does not like them. End the relationship immediately. No good will come of it.

BewareOfDragons · 28/04/2018 10:25

Cut your losses and dump him.

He hasn't a clue and he doesn't want one.

He's met your children twice, TWICE, and has pronounced that you're doing it all wrong.

Wow. WHat a parent he must be ... oh wait.

Be glad he's shown you who he is now before you invest any more time in him.

rach01pink · 28/04/2018 10:25

End it. He is not worth your time. The right person will come along who will be amazing for you and you're kids. He is no good for them at all. They need you to make the right choice here.

PoorYorick · 28/04/2018 10:25

He's a shit OP. Dump and don't look back. You've done a stellar job raising your children for years without him or anyone else.

OurMiracle1106 · 28/04/2018 10:26

First of all he has barely met your dds and secondly I would be telling him they are my daughters I will parent them in anyway I see fit.

Secondly he sounds controlling. Run away far and fast

rainbowstardrops · 28/04/2018 10:27

If he's like this after 5 months, imagine what he'd be like in five years.
Walk away and don't look back Thanks

birdsnotbees · 28/04/2018 10:28

That doesn't sound late for a teenager. And my kids wander about with apps on. Because I'm not a twat, it doesn't bother me. If the noise did, I'd have a chat about it, but I wouldn't label them rude (unless they were being, er, actually rude).

He's in your life 5 months and has no kids yet feels able to judge your kids? Fuck that. You very clearly deserve better. As do your kids. Don't give them another male arsehole in their lives, sounds like their dad fulfills that role already.

Chin up, move on, you're waaaaay better than him. Well done for calling him out.

duckingfisaster · 28/04/2018 10:29

My Mum married a critical, judgemental prick when I was 10. I wish she'd cared enough about us to not do that. Don't inflict this tosspot on your kids, they don't deserve it and neither do you. Please walk away for their sakes if not for your own. Good luck Flowers.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 28/04/2018 10:29

I'm assuming he has no children as you do not mention any? Non-parents can be amazingly judgemental of other people's parenting, despite their lack of experience. It sounds like his comments are likely to continue and will be a source of upset to you, so you should consider walking away

Ski40 · 28/04/2018 10:31

He sounds extremely critical and controlling for someone who has not been around for 5 minutes. I would tell him to butt out. Sorry you are having a rough time 😘💖

DamsonGin · 28/04/2018 10:33

Sounds fairly unanimous and I agree, dump him, you don't need that in your life. And it sounds like you're doing just fine raising your girls, however hard it can be.

TERFragetteCity · 28/04/2018 10:34

At least he let it out before you moved in together.

Many don't.

Run away and never look back.

SandAndSea · 28/04/2018 10:34

He sounds controlling to me.
There are LOADS of good men out there.
If your chn ask you what happened, let them know that you didn't like how he was talking to you and you know you can find someone who's a better match for you.
Flowers

OfficerVanHalen · 28/04/2018 10:35

First of all, 10pm isn’t late on a friday, and he didn’t even know what she wanted, it could have been an emergency

Second of all he sounds like a tool. You can and will do miles better than this guy.

Hygge · 28/04/2018 10:36

It's not constructive criticism. It's criticism.

He's known you for five months and your girls for one month, and he's already picking all of you apart.

He's basically said you are a bad mother and your kids a rude.

He's tried to prevent you from speaking to them, and made comments about sending them elsewhere.

He's already showing signs of not liking them or you all that much.

He will make you and your girls miserable if you keep seeing him.

You've raised them all this time without the benefit of his manly opinion. You don't need him in your life bitching about your kids and your parenting, expecting the three of you to change to make him happy.

Did you care about the radio and Youtube? No. But he did and he went home in a strop and blamed you and your kids for doing something in your own home that he doesn't like.

If you let him do this then your girls will resent it and he will come between you.

You're in for a long life of constructive criticism and sulking if you stay involved with him.

MakeItRain · 28/04/2018 10:38

You sound like a lovely mum and he sounds horrible. Sounds like he has no interest whatsoever in getting to know your children but would be controlling every minute of their lives the minute he got his feet under the table. Walk away and count yourself lucky he's revealed what he's like early in your relationship. Your parenting is great btw Your life with your children sounds busy, happy and completely normal. Flowers

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 10:41

He's probably started to think of the future, and what it would be like to live with you and your dds, and getting concerned that you have very different views on parenting.

Too be fair, I'm more with him on the things you've described and I was a single FT working mum myself, so I don't think it's about that. Parents together raise their children differently to other parents, there is no clear right or wrong, just different.

What is sure though is that if you are going to have such extreme different stands on the matter, your relationship is going nowhere. I agree that it's probably best to move on for both of you.

lifebegins50 · 28/04/2018 10:41

My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it

Wow, just wow...can't believe this.Does he think he is your boss? I am truly shocked.

Your comment about you having to go to hus as "your turn" also warning bells
Getting involved with a mum with children takes a special man as there is challenges of schedules but this man is not even hiding that he is controlling.
If your lifestyle doesn't fit with him then he needs to end it, not try to change all 3 of you to suit him.Lucky, lucky escape.

Re mortgage, why not post separately as I hope you are financially protected by some agreement as if ex still on house will he expect share of equity when you sell?

Quirkyturkey · 28/04/2018 10:41

Seems Mumsnet is unanimous op. He's a dick and you sound like you're doing a great job and have a fab relationship with your girls.

Blueraccoon · 28/04/2018 10:42

He wouldn’t like it round here - my 10 yr old is rarely in bed before 10.30pm and is constantly either listening to or creating some sort of noise.

I particularly don’t like that he tried to stop you from talking to your daughter when she called. I agree with the others, run fast and don’t look back.

viques · 28/04/2018 10:43

I find your post confusing. you start off saying he doesn't buy them stuff or take them anywhere, or "co-parent" (after four months!) and then when he does offer his opinions you get upset.

I don't think you have worked out what you want from a new partner yet. Yes, his remarks were a bit off, but if you have been expecting him to step up in the parenting stakes its not all his fault if he tries and gets it wrong.

Next time hold off getting new partners involved with your kids, to be honest you have enough on your plate at the moment with studying, juggling life and your ex without bringing a new man into the mix.

KarinVogel · 28/04/2018 10:44

Nah . Thats not constructive criticism at all. Hes just being nasty.
The instances you quoted sound just like any normal children of their ages. Not rude and not doing anything other children dont do.
He either realises that or he walks .You dont owe him anything and you owe your children the right to grow up without criticism.

Mangopr1 · 28/04/2018 10:45

No you're not over reacting at all!

My partner has two children from another relationship and I'd never dream of criticising the way he parents them. I do not get involved in discipline or 'telling off" at all (unless I am looking after them alone which I do a lot but we have been together some time).

I think it's important that your children respect a new partner and I'm certainly not afraid to tell my DSS' if they are being naughty but it's very different if you've only been together a matter of months. My relationship with them has taken time to get to that point. And I would never go against what my partner decides to do for them.

My dad had a girlfriend who liked to make comments to him all the time about what i did around MY house. I ended up really disliking her and it did cause arguments between me and my dad in the end. It also ended up being the reason they split.