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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
Mrstobe90 · 30/04/2018 00:49

Well done for standing up for yourself and saying enough is enough! Your Prince Charming is out there but until he finds you, enjoy your time with your children xxx

MustShowDH · 30/04/2018 01:01

lol at Damson Gin!!!

Maisymoo22 · 30/04/2018 04:22

Well done for leaving the narcissistical, controlling, know it all, ignorant, bullying, prize prat!

You are awesome and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

Being a working single mother myself l know how hard and tiring it can be... and I only have one DD!

My DD is 16 now but has always been a night owl. From the age of 13 I’ve always let her go to bed when she’s tired, within reason of course. The thing is that she wouldn’t sleep if she went any earlier and I enjoy having the company! So apart from school nights when she’ll go earlier (around 11pm) we often stay up together until 3ish on weekends watching crap tv(say yes to the dress etc) it’s how we like to relax.

I always have the radio on in the kitchen which I’m not particularly paying attention to and my DD does the same thing as yours, sauntering in with her music on full blast. It doesn’t bother me unless there’s a song I like on in which case I’ll ask her to turn it off or go elsewhere, which she does with no bother at all, and I’m sure you do the same with your DD, then for some little Hitler to come in and try to alter the way you normally do things doesn’t bear thinking about!

Anyway, stay strong bbe, you don’t need that aggro in your life. You’re well rid.

CosyLulu · 30/04/2018 05:03

Does anyone else find that shed text a bit creepy? I know the context but it seems strangely threatening somehow to ignore OP’s text and come back with that ...

mathanxiety · 30/04/2018 06:46

Needed saying though.

And no amount of begging or promises to talk things over and be reasonable, etc should make the OP change her mind.

She is lucky he showed his true colours so clearly and also that she is brave enough to walk away from him.

holey · 30/04/2018 10:22

Many relationships break down over different ideas about parenting when the kids belong to both of them, never mind when they don't. Imagine if you'd had gone further and ended up living together, married even. At that point it would have been wrong of you to say he couldn't have any input on how your DDs are raised (although he probably would have ignore it even if you had said that). Then you'd have either had to argue every single point with him (and he'd berate you for "siding" with the girls) or you'd have felt obliged to back him and risk your lovely DDs wanting nothing to do with you. OP the wrong relationship is worse by far than no relationship at all. Your DDs sound lovely, you sound lovely and the way you parent sounds just like me. Go give them a big cuddle and all have a dance round the kitchen to YouTube videos with toast microphones!

musketeers123 · 30/04/2018 10:28

Late into this thread so just read through.
So very glad you ended it.
Sounds like my ex. He started with all the charm ... 18 years later I 'lost myself'. It was such a gradual transition (from caring to controlling). When he escalated the verbal abuse to physical abuse, I plucked up the courage to end it. 7 years on, my dc are SO happier and well-adjusted. I still have had days but get to choose my own clothes, hairstyle, decor and everything now 😃😃😃 As soon as the blinkers came off, I knew my dc deserved a happy childhood and I stopped walking on egg shells. It has been bloody hard but the best thing I have ever done. I feel proud that I am doing the best for my.munchkins.
Well done OK, you are clearly doing a fab job, are setting a great example to your children. You deserve better than he could EVER be. Never settle for less xxx

musketeers123 · 30/04/2018 10:29

Have BAD days ...
Well done OP

CheesyWeez · 30/04/2018 12:18

Re: the shed text. He could be letting you know that despite your silliness he has bravely managed to put the shed up by himself, and doesn't need you anyway ner ner ner.

If so, good :-) because he's now putting up by himself any and all sheds he may want.

Totally agree your home rules sound totally normal re youtube, bedtime for a 13yo. Crack on. What real person doesn't look at their phone when they get up, seriously? Our phone alarms wake us up in our house.

I'm glad you're letting him keep his destructive criticism.

trickle4 · 30/04/2018 12:49

Hi, I've just caught up on your thread and just wanted to say well done for ending it.
Regarding your dd and the music and her being rude - you have to pick your battles. Being a single mum is bloody hard and if you went on at your dc's for absolutely everything, you'd be there all day. It's not worth it at all. He has no right to judge you or your dcs. You've been doing perfectly well bringing them up (and will continue to do so) and you should be proud. Never let anyone come in and of you down, they may have dc's but they haven't walked in your shoes!

I'm married now but had 2 dcs to prevkis relationship. Eldest one is autistic. Dh also has 2 dc's and we have one on the way!

Dhs eldest one is 13, but I never ever ever but in and tell dh she needs to get off YouTube or Instagram or whatever she's doing, even though I find it bloody frustrating at times lol. Because like you say, it's her house too.

Me and dh have had to learn a lot about each other as far as parenting goes. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue when he does something I don't like and vice verse. It's hard but we make it work. It's hard for my dh at times, he's had a learn about autism.

I don't think this relationship would of made you happy op. What you need is support and a bit of loving, not criticism. You've had it really tough and with a twat of an ex (we are in the same boat there, mine is also useless) it just adds extra pressure And tbf, your dd wasn't ringing that late anyway. Most teenagers would still be up on there phone at that time!

No doubt his dcs would be perfect though.....

Well done for being strong and not letting a man take over, sure the right one will come along soon x

browneyes77 · 30/04/2018 13:40

@DiamondsBestFriend

She didn’t expect this chap to co-parent. She was referring to her DD’s father.

browneyes77 · 30/04/2018 13:46

The guy sounds deluded if he thinks ignoring what you’ve said and instead asking if you want to see his bloody shed is going to have you come running back.

But once again his ridiculous response just shows how he clearly doesn’t respect or listen to anything you say.

MellowMelly · 30/04/2018 16:49

@Bubblesandcake
I’m writing this as I’ve just very much got out of a situation like this and it made me feel sick to read what you’ve written. I was in it for 3 sad and tiring years. The first 6 months were great but little things started creeping in. This is just the start of it. It’ll get worse and you’ll be more involved with him and then it’s harder to get out. This is just how my ex partner started with me. Criticism of my parenting skills and then it moved on to criticism of just me and my life in general. I got alienated from friends and stopped attending family get togethers as he had something to say about everyone and everything.
My life became a misery and more importantly it started affecting my daughter. Our once harmonious fun loving household became strained when he was around. Walking on eggshells became the normal as did avoiding certain conversations when he was around as we knew he would have something to say about it. I got out after much advice from the wonderful Mumsnet users on here and it’s been tough but I lost 3 years of my life to his incessant whinging (or according to him constructive criticism). He would say things like my daughter stayed up too late, my daughter should stay at her Fathers more so we could ‘get more time together’. If she called me from her fathers he would have a strop and say ‘she was interrupting our time together’. It got so bad that I couldn’t even go to bed a bit earlier if I wanted as it ruined ‘his’ evening.
I wish I’d got out sooner. It’s early days for you and if he is showing you this behaviour now then you need to think what it will be like a few years down the line. Every aspect of yours and your daughters lives controlled. Awful.

MellowMelly · 30/04/2018 16:55

The moment you go back over the thread and realise the relationship has now ended after frantically writing an essay Grin
Well done @Bubblesandcake on getting out Flowers

expatinscotland · 30/04/2018 18:12

'Does anyone else find that shed text a bit creepy? I know the context but it seems strangely threatening somehow to ignore OP’s text and come back with that ...'

It's just general fuckwittery and complete lack of respect for the OP entirely. 'She doesn't mean it.' 'She just needs to calm down'. 'I'm right and she'll see it and come crawling back.'

It's yet another red flag blowing in the breeze like a Maoist convention.

She's wise and has done the right thing. Hope she blogs the eejit.

Bubblesandcake · 30/04/2018 18:17

I just want to say to all of you that found a lovely SF for your dc's, I'm so happy for you. There are good guys out there. Something I try to remind myself.
To those who have given me some horrible stories, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's sad to read. I'm happy for those that finally got out and found happiness.

Again, thankyou for your kind words - making me smile.

CheesyWeez - that's exactly how I read it.

That was the last I heard too. He never did listen.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 30/04/2018 18:32

Scanning your post the OP, before I read it properly, I thought SF stood for Shed Fucker, which could have many meanings, mostly to be avoided.

Bubblesandcake · 30/04/2018 18:44

Haha ooopps! I meant step father 😊

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 30/04/2018 18:46

My DSis's first husband was violent to her, and verbally abusive. She only told me the extent of it after they separated. I took her to see a solicitor at the firm where I worked as a legal secretary. I felt awful for not spotting the signs. These men are really good at being charming around family and friends.

She now has a really lovely DH and the family she always wanted. So there are lovely blokes out there. Whatever you do, don't settle for less than you and your DDs deserve. Thanks

browneyes77 · 30/04/2018 19:13

It's just general fuckwittery and complete lack of respect for the OP entirely. 'She doesn't mean it.' 'She just needs to calm down'. 'I'm right and she'll see it and come crawling back.'

Yes, I said the same about the sheer lack of respect. It smacks of “ah, she’ll fine once she’s calmed down”, like he’s completely dismissed her feelings and still thinks he’s in control.

whatyadoing · 30/04/2018 19:58

Any word from the knob end since?

Bubblesandcake · 30/04/2018 20:13

Absolutely nothing!

OP posts:
mzcracker · 30/04/2018 20:17

Scanning your post the OP, before I read it properly, I thought SF stood for Shed Fucker,

LOL he shall, henceforth, be known as shed fucker.

Amiable · 30/04/2018 21:53

Please end this toxic relationship before it gets worse.

Amiable · 30/04/2018 22:29

Sorry, just RTFT Blush well done!

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