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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I drove home at midnight so upset....

362 replies

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 09:55

He thinks I was overreacting.
Been with a guy for 5 months, he met my 2 dd's a month ago. On the first occasion lovely. 2nd he joked about sending them to their dads. My dd's see their dad every other sunday. He has no other interest in them (school, activities etc). He won't take them anywhere or buy them anything. He doesn't co-parent put it that way. It's something I have had to get used to. Anyway, this guy knows this. He knows I am a single parent, working and also a student nurse. I juggle life and kids on my own and some days could do with just a cuddle. Anyway yesterday, was one of those days. Dd's went to see my mum (lots of running around before hand - party presents, outfits, broken car, broken washing machine and assignments to be done). Made it to his house (as it was my turn to go there) about 8.30pm, tired and hungry. I told him I'd had a busy day and also had a text off dd's father regarding money (again). He pays minimum maintenance but I pay the mortgage and have been for 8 years since he left. Our financial issues have never been sorted regarding sale of the house. So by this point feeling pretty drained. My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it. I thought he was joking so I got up and rang her back. He then said they're up too late, I have been thinking this for a while, they need sleep. I said it's late getting in every night from activities, by the time they shower, I pack lunches, we chat, yes it's 9pm gone. Well it's too late he said. I have rang you before at 9.30/10 and my eldest (13) has been up on her phone. That's another thing he said, you don't limit screen time, it's not healthy for your 10 year old to go on her phone first thing in the morning. I got a bit defensive and he said it's constructive criticism, I should be able to take it. I explained they're my dd's and I have raised them completely alone. He has no idea so shouldn't judge me. These are petty things. He then said well there is one more thing, your eldest can be rude. I said how. He said when you have the radio on in the kitchen, she comes in watching YouTube on her phone. I said it's her house. He said well it's rude, you should tell her to turn it off as you have music on. I can recall this day because he commented and left early without eating with us that day. It must have annoyed him that much.
Sorry it's long but I just needed to talk about it. Im new to the whole relationship thing. Single for 7 years before I met him. I drove home crying. I need someone's support not constructive criticism. If my girls were rude to him or anyone, they would be told. They have their stroppy moments but they're polite and well mannered. Yes they go on their phones alot, stay up a bit later but I feel I am doing the best I can. We have meal times together, days out, girly pamper nights, I'm the one sat doing homework with them, driving them to their activities every night, listening to their problems, listening to their happy stories whilst trying to study/work. Their father does nothing. Why would this guy, out of everything I do pick out what he thinks is wrong?
He said he wasn't judging me. What was he doing then? What was the point in the conversation. He went to bed, I left. He hasn't even contacted me this morning.
Am I overreacting? I struggle on my own, some days I'm exhausted so yes, if someone picks on what I do as a mum, as being wrong, I feel defensive. I just didn't want to face him.....so I left. Right or wrong?

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 28/04/2018 10:45

Just fast for ward a bit. He's moved in and feels like he has a right to comment and to discipline your children then insert your child watching YouTube or not being in bed early enough or taking too long in the bathroom etc.

Can you see where I'm going with this? Don't give him a chance to infiltrate your family and isolate you all from each other.

He is not the person you want for a relationship or for a father figure/male influence in your kids lives so end it now while there not been any damage to the kids.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/04/2018 10:47

He's grade A dick!

I've been a single mum for nearly 9 years now. It fucking hard when you have little support. What you dont need, is some know it all twat making comments on your parenting 5 months into your relationship.

I'm lucky if I get my 11 yr old in bed by 10. If any one tried to stop me talking to my DD, they wouldnt like the response they got.

Kelsoooo · 28/04/2018 10:47

@viques I believe the OP was referring to her ex partner, the children’s dad. Giving context as to why she was so tired, wanting a hug etc.

NukaColaGirl · 28/04/2018 10:48

Run. As fast as you can. PPs have it covered - nasty and controlling. Fuck that noise.

I’m also a single parent and a student/working so I totally get how tired etc you are. You don’t need the dead weight of some arsehole bloke around your neck on top.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/04/2018 10:48

I find your post confusing. you start off saying he doesn't buy them stuff or take them anywhere, or "co-parent" (after four months!) and then when he does offer his opinions you get upset.

I think this part is regarding the DD's father.

popcorneveryminute · 28/04/2018 10:51

You sound like you're doing a great job OP. Run far, run fast, don't look back. Don't waste anymore time on this guy.

user1486915549 · 28/04/2018 10:53

Viques. Read the post properly!

Rudi44 · 28/04/2018 10:53

At this stage he should be running in rings trying to show you how great he is with them. He sounds like a vile control freak, get rid of him, it's only going to get worse

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 10:53

The good thing is that you made the decision to introduce them early so at least your complete different views on bringing up children is clear.

It's for that same reason I wanted OH to meet my kids quite early on. Similarly, he had issues with a previous girlfriend who he felt had a very different attitude to bringing up kids to his. Thankfully, we were on the same page about this as we were about our vision of the future, values etc... so we knew we could take the relationship further. Even then it's been very hard work!

Bubblesandcake · 28/04/2018 10:54

Thankyou all so so much. It's horrible not having anyone to talk to, so thankyou. I had an awful step dad so I wasn't sure if I was overreacting even though I was naturally so angry and needed to get from there. I think, there have been a number of red flags (yes, me mentioning my turn) looking back but because it's all new, I have been unsure. Anything concerning my dd's, will not be ignored.
I do feel so disappointed and upset today but I know what I have to do. Ever had to do this before so don't even know how to?
Ps - thankyou for the encouraging and kind comments, I'm so grateful 😊
Pps. Lifebegins50 - I will post a new thread regarding house as I have nothing in writing. That was the conversation with him yesterday. He wants half of the equity when my youngest dd is 18. Meaning I have been paying mortgage for 16 years alone and he gets half. I can't afford a solicitor at the moment. I will post now. Any ideas where the best place on here to post regarding this?

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 28/04/2018 10:56

I picked up on the "my turn" to go to his comment too. My ex was very much into "my turn/your turn" thing - eg paying for things to the extent he would get very vociferous and annoyed if I forgot. Insisting on inflexible "turns" makes me think of someone who is mean.

Branleuse · 28/04/2018 10:57

dump him. This is a sign of things to come.

ChinkChink · 28/04/2018 10:58

He should get half of the equity as it stood when he stopped paying his share 16 years ago. You do need a solicitor I'm afraid.

NameWithChamge · 28/04/2018 10:59

@Bubblesandcake are you married to your ex?

Legal or divorce might be a good place to post as lots of experience on there.

Paperdoll16 · 28/04/2018 10:59

Good lord.

If he can say those things upon meeting them twice just imagine how it would be after getting to know them properly.. I'm guessing he doesn't have children, (pre teens/teenagers esp) and if he does I feel terribly sorry for them.

How dare your dd be like any other girl of that age, on YouTube in her own house.. Confused

Byebyebye · 28/04/2018 11:00

4 months into a relationship is way too soon to introduce someone to your children that you do not clearly know fully.

My mum moved in a man like this, me and my siblings all moved out as quickly as we could and now my mum is pretty lonely with a man that smashes her phone regularly for the smallest of things.

frumpety · 28/04/2018 11:00

He simply sounds like someone who has little experience of children but thinks that lack of experience has furnished him with a wealth of knowledge which he feels duty bound to share.

PericardiumOne · 28/04/2018 11:00

Run for the hills, OP. You sound like a wonderful mother.

BloomersBerry · 28/04/2018 11:01

You sound like a great mum who is a fantastic role model for your 2 dds - working hard, studying & raising 2 children on your own.
This is your chance to show them how to deal with a bad relationship. Dump his ass & tell your dds exactly why you won't be seeing him again. They will see from your actions that they never have to put up with a partner who criticises them or tells them how they should live their lives.

You're their mum. You know them better than anyone. You know how much sleep they need & how much screen time is ok for them. Don't let this selfish, controlling person make you question yourself.

category12 · 28/04/2018 11:02

Personally I think you should text him and say this isn't working for you and it's over. Don't get into a discussion about it or agree to meet to talk. It's done, it's over, nothing to discuss.

snewname · 28/04/2018 11:02

He thinks he can have a say and knows better than you, one month after meeting them?

I guess he's entitled to an opinion but it's how he expresses it, and more importantly how he reacts when you disagree with that opinion. Tone and context are hugely important here. I think you need to have been there and we weren't, but there certainly seems to be red flags flying from what you've described.

What is important is you feel he was out of order. What was his reaction to this? Or did you say nothing? If you are to be together for the future, there will be times that you disagree about parenting and it's unreasonable to expect him to keep his mouth shut all the time when it impacts on him, however from what you've said he seems to be expecting to much of them and getting involved far too much at this early point.

Be very wary. Please dump him if he oversteps the mark. It might be worth taking to him frankly, telling him exactly how it is first.

NameWithChamge · 28/04/2018 11:03

@Bubblesandcake You am get free consultations with lots of solicitors firms to get an idea of where you stand and find a way forward.

I think your priority is to sort out your finances and your home with your DCs. Your ex is taking the piss.

Just leave it with the other one for now. He's not bothering to chase you, even after you left his house upset. Focus on getting your home sorted.

Rudgie47 · 28/04/2018 11:04

You need to see a solicitor about the house as priority.Just save the money and see one. You cant be having him trying to get half when he's not entitled to that much. Could you borrow some money from your parents or say the credit union? You need it sorting.
Regarding the boyfriend, just text him and say its over and block him. You and your children have done nothing wrong and he will get worse and worse. Hes a controller. Get out now early on, no second chances.

Coolaschmoola · 28/04/2018 11:04

"My dd rang and it was 10pm. He took my phone and said she's up too late, your mum can deal with it"

Anyone who tried to stop me answering MY phone to anyone would be in a world of hurt. Let alone if it was my child. Who does he think he is?!

As for his criticism of your parenting - what the fuck has it got to do with him?

To get rid you text him saying, "I do not want to see you again. My parenting is not your concern, and I am no longer your concern either."

Re the house: as far as I am aware your ex is entitled to half the equity in the housecat the point you split. Not half the equity after your child turns 18.

foodiefil · 28/04/2018 11:05

They're clearly getting on his nerves and he's only just met them. He can't be in their life so can't be in yours. Sorry but bye. Don't get involved anymore than you are

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