Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

How miserable for you. 2 is not really an option if your aim is to keep it from your dc. Won't they be unsettled regardless? Unless the gcses are starting this May it would be better to act sooner than later. Does your h expect to have an ongoing relationship with his ds, if so what of your dc? Financially you would manage, he would pay until your dc left ft education and you could claim savings, pension etc. Is increasing your hours an option or earning more, retraining? use this time to forward plan in case the situation becomes unsustainable.

For me, the fact he continued the affair for close to two years would be the end of it for me. What an awful situation for you.

He's been lying to you and cheating on you for years. I'd never be able to trust him again.

I'm not sure how losing his parents meant he had to have an affair! How does that make you vulnerable towards having an affair?

If you're not from the UK but live here, what is your residency status?

Bed have to pay child maintenance to you and you'd be entitled to tax credits so you won't be as financially badly off as you think.

yes, I plan to find an additional job. I love my job but its a niche, so no more hours available.
he says "it is my moral duty" to support. Also the woman wants to get British passport for the child.
Option 1 I am considering seriooulsly, only it is quite scary. I suppose i need to see a lawyer.

Cricrihan - we are all have double british/ native citizenship now.

Not sure what the passport has to do with anything.

Maybe wait till after gcses and 11 plus if they're this year? I don't see how you could stay with someone who did this. Your children deserve to know, it's their half brother. Shielding them may just make things worse. If exams are next year or later, they have time to adjust.

also worried that the house prices are down now, so can make a loss at the sale. not much savings, but he has a pension pot.

So, quite smugly he'd like to continue the status quo would he? And continue contact with OW and their child?
Stuff that. I'd be totally unable to stay with a cheat and a liar who's spending our money on his failure to be faithful.
How awful for you op, and your DCs.

Well you could rent your house out or not sell it?

I would wait till the gcses are out the way. But I would definately divorce. You cant trust him he is a complete liar and has been doing so for years.
So sorry op what a shock for you.

yes, exams are this year. Dd will be probably Ok, but DS is an anxious child who loves us both unconditionally. Really worried about him.

Sorry to hear this bombshell. I've sort of been in a similar position, but as the child whose dad suddenly had a surprise child.

I know you're hurting, but don't say that she was just looking for a sperm donor. A) you don't know this at all, and b) it minimises what your husband did - willingly have sex outside the marriage, assumingly without protection and then lie about it - for years.

I'm sure your children will have noticed issues (from the bombshell) in your marriage , so don't presume that staying put is the best thing for them. Another way to look at is that you can model good boundaries and healthy relationships by filing for divorce - if that's what you want.

Wtaf about moral duty by the way!!!!! He's hardly one to be lecturing about morals!!! Having the affair, lying and choosing to tell you close to dc exams are all morally wrong!

My mum found out my stepdad had impregnated another women bang in the middle of my A-Level exams. The whole world exploded and that was bad timing. Other than that, get out now. There’ll always be something

After gscses will presumably be a levels. Then after that, the youngest will be doing their GCSEs...
There will never be a perfect time unfortunately.

Tbh I would suspect her wanting the British passport is why he told you, that she may have threatened to out him. Not sure the baby would qualify though. It would be all too easy to blame ow but in the end it is him who has lied to you and made poor choices. Did the affair end with the pg?

Well maybe seek advice, get your ducks in a row and just say nothing till after exams in June and then they have the holidays to recover.

He has some nerve, he's a cheat OP to the point that he got a woman pregnant, I bet there were others too, I am sure he wants to keep the status quo but your marriage is a sham, I'd not trust him any more so what is the point, to save his face, nah, I'd not be considering him, he never considered you did he.

Thanks, Everyone. You are confirming my thoughts. Wait a little bit, do my research, increase my earning potential, divorce.
it is a pity,really, we are knowing each other since we were 19. been through a lot together. I was the main breadwinner for several years before having DD. people knowing us will be really surprising. There are going to be some gossip.

The passport issues is none of your concern. If the child is legally entitled to one, then it is.

Wtf about moral duty - your moral duty to support him? The child?

So sorry op, that is truly horrible.

I think your marriage is effectively over, but l agree it is not a good time to disrupt your children right now,

If l were you l would,

Tell DH l needed time and insist he made a big effort to support DCs and you.

Plan quietly ie see solicitor, look at job options, consider future.

Put on a brave face until the essential exams are over, as otherwise the effects could dramatically ruin DD exam results, ( assuming this year)

Spend time apart on a daily basis, ( for your MH) so Dcs don't notice tension, but expect him to step up with them, so they are supported.

When exams/school is sorted/ you know your plan, tell DH and DCs.

It will be less destructive for them if you have a clear plan in your head, and you can tell them what will happen.

Good luck op

Lizs, he says so. British passort is really desirable in my country. She knows what she is doing, I suppose. but the baby is not bearing our surname.

This has happened to one of my best friends. The boy in question has just turned two.

She has chosen option 2. She amazes me tbh. They remain good friends. Their marriage had been over sexually for ages she says. But to split would mean a loss of everything material and emotionally for the dc.

The 15yr old ds is aware but their 10 yr old dd does not. This is the only bit that I'm not sure about really. How she might feel when she finds out everyone else knew but she didn't. But that's nowt to do with me.

The dh often stays and looks after his son as the mum is single and a trainee dr with family in S Africa. My friend finds this especially hard.

Only 3 people know the truth about this family set up.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Option 2 would never work in a way which would give you a happy life Outlook, you would always doubt and resent him I think.

The child will be in your life, even if in the background, and who is to say that your husband will not at some point want to be much more involved with the child. How would you feel about that?

I think if it had just been a ONS it might be easier to forgive, but he obviously made complicated arrangements to see the OW over quite a long period.
Also the ongoing contact, photos etc would make me think that he and the OW were still emotionally involved, though he is trying to minimise this. If he really didn't want contact, he could just make arrangements via his bank to send money.

You don't need to make an immediate decision, look at finances, maintenance, perhaps go to "entitled to" website about possible benefits available.

How sad for you that you are going through this, it's horrible to be betrayed by someone you have been with a long time, and to discover that you really didn't know the man you loved at all.

He is saying that at some point he was planning to divotce me and marry her instead but later reconsidered. Saying he was blind and mad.