Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

I've heard of bigamists giving children in their two different families the same name. It is very upsetting, the family I know of found out at the funeral of the father!!! They actually all get on together now though apparently.

OP, he’s making out the other woman tricked him into this and now he’s paying the price.
That’s utter crap.. he slept with her without a condom, possibly many many times. If he didn’t want a child, he should have used protection. And this child’s mother has every right to get her son a passport.
Don’t vent your anger at her.. your DH has deceived you in a horrible way.
I’d see a solicitor quietly and then divorce him at a time convenient to you

Well I can see how most might think there is no future for the marriage.
However essentially this is “just “ an affair l except that the consequences are huge, because a child was conceived and born.

Many people have affairs and the marriage recovers . I think mumsnet has a very skewed view of these things compared to real life.

I can see why someone in your shoes might stick with the current family set up, for all the positive things it holds.

There is more to a family than a marriage.

OP I wish you well in whatever you decide to do .

I’m not excusing your husband but I went completely mad when my mother died and did some very unwise things I deeply regret

He had an affair for years, didn’t use protection and slept with you as well.
I’d leave him for that alone. What an arse.

Get your ducks in a row, and then get out.
I wouldn’t break the news to the kids yet and wait until gcses are over.

I’m sorry your world imploded.

It wasn't a one time short fling, it was an ongoing relationship that lasted years. For that reason the marriage would be over for me.

1. wait until after GCSE's, remain as you are until then (tell DH you need few months to mull this over)
2. start looking for another job / more hours / better paid 3). Start collecting documentation of income, policies, debts etc. 4)after GCSE's sit DC down and tell them everything. Start divorce proceedings, put the house on the market.

I'm so sorry

Smallhorse, there is more to marriage than family.

They can stay parents and split.
OP deserves to have a partner she can trust. Or stay single if she wants.
Staying together for the children is never a good idea, once the trust is gone. What does that teach them?

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened, OP. Your world must be spinning now. I am glad you have citizenship in your own right, so you have no need to rely on him.

You don't have any kind of duty or obligation to him at all, no matter how much emotional blackmail he lays on. He's treated you abominably and lied to you for years. In your position all trust would be gone and I would now actively start to look at how I'd cope after a separation and future divorce. I don't think there will ever be a good time, except possibly when both your kids are over 18, but can you spend years more with this man who you can't trust or don't want to be around.

I believe there is a website called Turn 2 Us which can help you work out if you might have any benefit entitlements. That could be a good place to start.

Sending my very best wishes to you and your children for the future.

Thanks, guys, really good advice here.
I agree that it is something from soap or paperback. Just read Housfrau by JA Essbaum, only in reverse.

i am absolutely livid about using the same name. H says that he had no influence on his, as it is her favourite name as well...
i am ablosutely going to keep my cool and be polite, but consider my escape.
I confronted him on his payments, and demanded that he will stop them. He agreed so will see. But he would like to stay in touch and receive photos as "that baby looks exactly like me, I had my doubts but it is so obvious now. "He is very defensive and apologetic at the same time.
Staying with him will mean, that I have no self respect. I prefer to live in poverty, scary as it will be. The main problem is the housing, will get advice about it.

Also I feel like a complete fool, because I have been redecorating the house, choosing wall colours, nice posters etc.Really looking forward to the future in a nice and comfortable house. He had seen all that and still was lying.

I think your DS finding out his half brother has the same name might cause some problems for him. How can you but help but think was dad trying to replace me, am I not special enough to have my own name but have to share one. How did your husband and this woman think that was going to pan out long term? If they did indeed end up together and the kids met up or the kids independently when adults decide to get in touch. I'm strangely more bothered by the weirdness of her doing that and him going along with it - he could have put pressure on her somehow I'm sure to change that. What a knob!

Lizzie, i hope that they will never meet each other. Not going to disclose a name.

It sounds like she was going to compete with you by naming her child the same name! Claiming territory of your husband and son's name. Just terrible. Now she wants British citizenship so she can live just down the road presumably.

Why are you and your kids the ones who have to leave the house? I can't believe he said things like that to you, that he was going to divorce you and marry her, that the baby looks like him, the name, all that shit. What a twat.

See a solicitor asap and get some advice.

I'd make it clear to him that his demand that you suck this up and stay with him is not going to happen.

So you want him to stop supporting his child? The child is innocent in all this, and he does have a responsibility to him. No decent man would just stop paying!

Sorry to say Outlook12 but he might introduce them at some point without your blessing. What a secret for you to keep. Such a burden. At the end of the day the kids are all related and innocent.

' No decent man would just stop paying!'

He's not a decent man.

Can you guilt him into letting you stay in the house until your youngest is off to university? Give you a chance to build up money, career again? He owes it to the kids surely not to deprive them of their stable lives. He's chucked a grenade into your relationship and can't expect there to be no repercussions.

I still did not cry, though having some physical symptoms, like shaking and heart racing. Slept about 2 hours last night.
Felling numb.

Such a betrayal and shock

Did she know he was married with children?
And please don't stop the payment, he has an obligation to his child, however painful that is for you.

Take your time to absorb it all before making any decisions.

i would rather sell and go separate ways. I don"t need 4 double bedrooms, small flat will do. WIll book solicitor when kids are back to school next week. my small salary now goes for extra curric for kids and some nice stuff.

Toffee, she did know. In fact, she is a stable relationship herself, but not married. And she knew about the name.
I really hope that she is not getting British passport. But he can always invite her over, I guess.

She WAS in relationship, don't know about the present status. Im possible to verify.

I think you could ask him what personal expenditure of his he will forgo so that the £200 per month is no longer taken from his children & wife. Or what second job he will take on to earn the extra £50 per week?

Of course he has to support his 3rd child he's a silly fool getting himself with another child like that but not at yours or your children's expense.

He won't stop the payments to the child, he will just find a way of doing it that is harder for you to trace, and he's keen to keep getting photos etc, so clearly has no intention of cutting contact with OW, and you are just meant to suck that up Outlook!! What a total bastard.

He's very emotionally involved with OW & child by the sound of it.

You might be able to get a settlement that includes you staying in the house until the children finish full time education, you will be advised by your solicitor about that.