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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

292 replies

Outlook12 · 12/04/2018 17:34

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

  1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.
  1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

OP posts:
ToffeeUp · 12/04/2018 20:05

So sorry outlook that makes the name business even more cruel.

Tonteria · 12/04/2018 20:06

is a bit of situation is it ? my mother was on this mess before I was born , she never worked and was a Sahm all her life , she also marry my father at 19 . She opted for stay married ( catholic country here ) with a cheater as divorce women and single mothers life was impossible for her. She did got separate legally , but living at same house, with separation papers she go alimony and didn't pay a bill. She always had her own money and spend on her, nice clothes, mani and pedi every week and only travelled by taxi. Soon my father got sick with couple years before he passed , she reverted the separation papers on grounds of the divorce never went ahead. My father passed, she got a fortune on properties and his pension, she lives very well, the other women can't do or request anything for her illegitimate child until my mother dies. The other women also has to go to a legal system to get anything to her child. If the child doesn't have his legal surname, she need to spend a fortune in legal fees to get anything from him.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2018 20:09

'I really hope that she is not getting British passport. But he can always invite her over, I guess.'

She can't, even if her child is eligible for one, he'd be entitled to live here, but not her just because he is. If that was her aim it's not going to work. Chain migration isn't a thing in the UK. Your H cannot invite her over to live here. He'd have to divorce you, marry her and apply for a spousal visa for her in her country of origin if she is not granted a fiance visa first.

You need to see a solicitor.

Candyflosss · 12/04/2018 20:11

Husband was a "sperm donor" to someone who was in her 30s(? he knows little about her), single (still single) some 19 years ago before we met He still paying but directly to his son now. Just let him pay, it's his responsibility. Have to warn you she probably will demand so if you can't handle this kind of scenario it's best to plan your exit.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/04/2018 20:42

Suspect his change of heart about divorcing you came after he realised how much it would cost him, which may be a little bit of good news for you. Is he still seeing this other woman? Also, no DNA test even though she was also regularly having sex with someone else?

sparklepops123 · 12/04/2018 20:47

Your not a fool for decorating etc,you were trying to make your family life more comfortable.hes the fool and always will be

GabsAlot · 12/04/2018 20:57

sorry to say this but you shold get tested for stds who knows if hes really telling the truth that its one person hes slept with

Shizzlestix · 12/04/2018 21:02

I think your dh should get a paternity test. Babies look like no-one particularly at a young age and this woman is in a stable relationship. Is your not so dh still seeing her?

Aridane · 12/04/2018 21:06

IF there is a ‘positive ‘, it’s that I) he told you, and ii) he’s supporting his child

Flowers
Original poster
Outlook12 · 12/04/2018 21:26

well, turns out that everything he had said to me he reported back to her. Via whats app. She is annoyed about payments, but he said "She wants proof that I stopped the payment, but I will help anyway". She said "f you, i will cope by myself". then reminded him about the passport, it is undeed a big thing... have no idea how they are going to concort this. After that there is no way back with him for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outlook12 · 12/04/2018 21:27

i mean TO CONCOCT

OP posts:
Original poster
Outlook12 · 12/04/2018 21:29

Aridane,
i suspect that he told me because she ordered him to do it. May be hoping for divorce and way to Britain via marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outlook12 · 12/04/2018 21:31

thanks for the advice about stds, did not think about it, will do ASAP.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/04/2018 21:31

If he's not on the birth certificate, the kid can't get the passport! He also has to sign the application. If he doesn't do that, the kid doesn't get a passport. He needs to submit all his paperwork along with the application. And he needs to make it clear to her that her child's having a British passport does NOT entitle her to come here to live.

But never mind, he's still with her. He's a cunt. See a solicitor asap. Move him to the spare room. Tell him it's a divorce.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2018 21:34

'i suspect that he told me because she ordered him to do it. May be hoping for divorce and way to Britain via marriage.'

That's a likely scenario. More fool him. It could take years to divorce if you object. Years. And be costly. Then she still has to have the spousal visa approved. There's no chain migration or 'anchor babies' in the UK.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/04/2018 21:48

His loyalty is to her not you then. Divorce, ASAP. Before he has time to hide money etc.

Original poster
Outlook12 · 12/04/2018 21:53

I moved to the spare room myself. cannot bear to be in a family bed.

OP posts:
TheRagingGirl · 12/04/2018 22:02

She’s clearly using him for a passport

Hope you can get a bit of sleep tonight.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/04/2018 22:11

How do you know he WharsApped her?

Prisonhistory1 · 13/04/2018 02:59

I wonder how men would feel if this happened to them. The lies, the loss of trust, the mess he had made. He is selfish. We all have things that happen in our lives, do we all run off into the arms of someone else ? Divorce and start a new life. Why waste a single moment more with someone who disrespects you !

ittakes2 · 13/04/2018 03:27

I think you should make a decision not to make a decision yet. You must still be in shock. You need to get yourself into a stronger place so you feel you are not so vulnerable.
The year we went through the 11 plus was dreadfully stressful - but only because our local comprehensive was dire and grammar school was a much better option. However, it’s you living through the pain of this every day - do you think you could keep it a secret for that long ie the 11 plus would not be until September? It would be a heavy burden for you to have for that long.

Gazelda · 13/04/2018 03:56

Your head must be spinning. Do you have anyone in RL to confide in?

SpareASquare · 13/04/2018 04:16

I confronted him on his payments, and demanded that he will stop them
That is just wrong.

He agreed so will see
I would NEVER be with a man who chose not to support his child/ren.

I feel for you OP, I really do. But keep the blame where it belongs. This child has every right to have his father's support. Financial and otherwise.

MarshaBradyo · 13/04/2018 05:17

What a huge shock

But don’t stop the payments, he should support the child

Kiwiinkits · 13/04/2018 05:38

There's no fool like an old fool