Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

He needs to leave the family home for a couple of weeks to contemplate what he’s thrown away.

outlook

Please take math and teisan's advice regarding the right counselling.

He thinks we can just move on from now on, "because I have told you and I will try my best to be a good husband and father".

He’s minimising.

"because I have told you and I will try my best to be a good husband and father"

Classic lip service.

Exactly, guys.
The more we talk, the more stuff is coming out. Basically, he was madly in love and was going to leave me and DC's 4 years ago. After he knew her better, he realised she is the "wrong woman for him to live with, but sex was great", so it bumbled on for a while. Then "they got disappointed in each other" and sort of decided to part ways.
After 2 weeks she contacted him and said she is pregnant. So they continued to be in touch but only via Whatsapp and Skype. He can still still feel something for her and he is not hiding it. At the same time saying he would like to stay with me "for the children's sake".
It is probably classic.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I really hope you get good advice from solicitor and are able to leave this vile pig asap.

However, I am a bit shocked that you think your DH should not support his child. Of course he should.

Also I don't consider the child as a sibling to mine Well the child is (unless DNA tests prove otherwise) your childs sibling and nothing you can ever do will change that. I have half siblings from my DF various dalliances and love them all unconditionally.

I think you should direct your anger where it belongs, at your DH, rather than at an innocent child. I hope it all works out for you.

Happy
when I said it I though H is a sperm donor, that's it. I have now having second thoughts. I am not a horrible person but in this situation i may have overreacted. He does not have DNA test yet and saying that she was seeing somebody else at the same time (in the native country). so it was one of the reasons he decided not to see her. again. And then she was pregnant. The baby has no special features but neither has H. All very ordinary looking.

The way he speaks to you, and the expectations he has - it's as if he does not realise that you are a three dimensional person. You are expected to absorb all of this betrayal and immediately set it aside to resume the role of bit player in the drama of his life as before.

I say 'as before' because he expected you to absorb his thoughts and feelings about women, their place and their value, but behave like a cardboard cutout unaffected by the hurt he dished out.

He needed to unburden, so regardless of the impact on you, that is what he did. He says he has decided to stick with you. He says he will now be a good husband and father. It's all ok with him, the future is clear in his mind, so it should be ok with you.

This is very narcissistic.

Outlook, please print out Maths last post and read it throughout the day. Let it be your mantra. I had a couple that I took everywhere with me. In fact one of them was one word written on the inside of my wrist.

Without you giving anything much away can I ask if there’s a cultural situation going on here that might mean your husband thinks it’s ok to be who he is? Or a situation where you might think you have a certain kind of role to play as a wife? I ask because if there are cultural expectations going on here you’ll need more than a counsellor who has experience of Narcissism. There will be sepetate work to be done on you as well because I think before a person can see the Narcissism they have to believe it’s ok to.

I’m sorry if I’m way of kilter with my thoughts but there’s just something about your posts that make me think so.

Math

yes, that's what I am slowly realising. He "feels better" now, apparently. I can't see any understanding of my feeling. As I look back, red flags has been all around me.

Teisan
I agree, Math's post summerised the situation quite well. Re: culture-i was brought up with thoughts I must be a wife and a mother, so will need to do all the jobs around the house, while husband is out there earning money. He was brought up thinking that he will sail from the care of his mother to the care of his wife, so after a while he was disappointed in my cooking skills and my absorbtion in the DC. Actually, I am university educated and was working full time before we came to UK.
Basically, his "uphappiness" started a while ago. He plunged into his affair thinking it will be different this time, but "it was all the same" and "she started to resemble you". I really can't believe what I am hearing sometimes.
Also, he is saying that if I divorce him, he will start dating straight away as "he can't live alone".

Also, he is saying that if I divorce him, he will start dating straight away as "he can't live alone". I'd love to be a fly on the wall as he explains to his date that his wife divorced him because he had a affair that resulted in a child he's never seen because he dumped the pregnant OW. Oh, and that his two sons have the same name.... what a catch. But the sooner he's someone else's problem the better for you.

Schnitzel

he can stiil be a catch TBH, as he holds british citizenship and lot's of women from the native country will be attracted by that. Old wife and kids will not scare them away.

Also, he is saying that if I divorce him, he will start dating straight away as "he can't live alone"

Yep. Typical narcissist. Can’t be alone because there wouldn’t be a source of narcissistic supply to. hand. But it’s also another way to make you toe the line. He’s trying to scare you into compliance. But please please never fall into the trap of - I don’t want anyone else to have him so I’ll stay put

there’s also the fact that he will go from one relationship to another making a mess of each one along the way. He is who and what he is. He can never learn to do things the corrrct way. The next time he says he’ll soon remarry - just say ok.

I suspected that despite obviously having an education there were cultural issues at play here as well.

Outlook - I think your overestimating the power of a British passport when it comes to immigration procedures.

^^ Agree with the wife hopping and the reason for it, and also what he wants to imply by that statement. Just shrug next time he says it.

He really thinks very little of you as a human and has a massive sense of his own entitlement.

Relationship counselling will not put a dent in this at all, just so you know. Don't waste time or money pursuing this avenue. There is no way to get someone like this to engage on an honest level in any discussion of a relationship. They simply do not see others as real human beings and relationships are one way streets to them.

yes, I agree, councelling will be total waste of time and money. Not going down this route.
Just wonder why I was so blind for a such a long time.

Just wonder why I was so blind

It’s all part and parcel of it and I think that’s where counselling might be good for you. For me a huge part of it was my own background, plus the fact I moved to a very different world. One that I’m very happy in I have to say. It’s my home. It was in those days the kind of place where women played a very traditional role in life even if they were a bank manager for eg outside of the house. To be honest these male dominated societies are the ideal breeding ground for narcissists. It also means they’re the ideal breeding ground for women who can go through life never knowing what it is they’re involved with. You now know what’s more than likely going on and for your sake as well as the children’s you need to make changes that mean everyone goes into the future as emotionally healthy as they can possibly be other wise there will be things down the line that will be nothing but history repeating itself.