Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

So sorry to hear of such comprehensive betrayal.

Your H is a horrible man.

Oh dear. You must be careful if this is about them trying to manipulate you (and/or each other) to get rid.

The name thing, and the passport mentionitus are both indicative of a woman who wants to have what you have, by pushing you and yours OUT, swapping herself and her child IN.

And your husband seems to be so weak willed, pathetic, and utterly self obsessed, that he will stand by and let her do it whilst flapping his hands and making ineffectual mewing noises... and not giving a shit beyond a pleasant sensation of being a Big Man whom women fight over. Ugh. Revolting!

So, you want to leave but not like that. Get informed quickly, and get behind a shield of legal protection...

By the way, don’t stop all the money going to his child, that’s not fair to the innocents involved, and however unfair, that little one is innocent...

WellThisIsShit

i think you have nailed this situation. He is a weak man, who is very fond of sex (watches porn), and who got married too young. In my country at that time it was still frown upon to live together without proper registration.
The web of lies around me is astonoshing. I think he is trying to sit at the two chairs at the same time. he is drip feeding me with info, then runs to Whatsapp to discuss it with her. This is the man with whom I thought I will grow old together and see grandchildren...So sad.
She probably was pushing him a have a divorce and marry her instead.
Talked to DD yesterday, but only about cheating. did not mention the child. DD is firmly behind me.

i have a friend to who i may confide, she does not live in the community so easier.
I think I should probably tell my mother, she normally not very supportive and thnks that woman should feed the husband with lot's of home cooked food and then everything will be all right.
i told her about something smaller recently and she exclaimed: You have just killed me without the knife!" so that will be difficult as well.

Talked to DD yesterday, but only about cheating. did not mention the child. DD is firmly behind me

WTF?

Dangerous game OP.

why, Spare?

just said there is posibility of life change, and the reason for that.

Outlook you have my sympathy - I know what it's like to be told "don't want a divorce keep things as they are whilst I have my other life with OW"

I went for divorce been going through four years of hell. I expect you are in shock still - not quite able to grasp what is happening - keep your cards close to your chest - do not discuss anything with him - as you have seen he discusses with her - I too had OW who I believe wanted my life - x mother died x too was vulnerable - he could talk to her - well she is employed in business that I was 50% owner in - did you say you work from home in family business ( or have I got this off another thread) - my kids have suffered and are still suffering as a result - x is extremely manipulative played a very nasty divorce - get yourself a bloody good solicitor - get recommendations of here - my sols told me they got the games - I was too emotionally distraught or strong enough to deal properly - I had every trick in the Lundy book thrown at me.

How your DH reacts will indicate how things may pan out -and he has a nasty nasty woman behind him - my X cut me dead - my sols fleeced me - I am still trying to pick up the pieces and make sure my kids get what was "planned" for them - do you have joint savings etc -I hope to God you do not go through what I have been through - but be warned and do not discuss anything with him - let him come to you -and I know this will be hard as us women have to sort things - focus on your kids - they will need you xx

Kick him out A.S.A.P. Change the locks and only communicate through a solicitor. If he can financially support this passport seeking prostitute, he can support the children and YOU.

thanks for your support, Greenberet

Serial- i think that will be too drastic for now. He is not violent, we r not shouting at each other. I need to take one step at the time, however horrible i am feeling.

OP
Please see a solicitor - this sounds like you feel it is over.
It is ok to tell people, including your DC - YOU have done nothing wrong!!

What a horrible situation to put you in and to tell you he thought about leaving you. It seems he’s only told you now because it’s about to come out.

now i am thinking about it, it seems to me that he was serious about leaving me the DC's, but she may be turned him down in exchange for support and passport. She may have another man in her life now, who knows. He has not seen her for 2 years now and he had never seen a child. only through photos and videos.
TBH, it is not the money what angers me most of all, but lies and THE NAME. Also she knows my name, address, probably lots of other info about me and DC's, but I don't know her name. Seen the photo of the child, though, he is not "a spitting image" imo, just a very generic little boy. Can be anyone's.

See a solicitor. After such a long marriage and still-dependant children, you may be able to stay in the house for at least some time - could end up with order for sale after youngest is 18/at uni, for example. You could also be entitled to spousal maintenance while you re-train. Alternatively, get going on the divorce straight away, because with children to house, you'll get the far bigger slice of the house worth etc. Plus half his pension.

In the meantime, tell him that the first thing he does is give you her name, and all details on her that she has on you. Remind him that, given the utterly stupid thing he did in not attempting to prevent her giving her child the same name, he'd be wise to keep you on side... because when your son together finds that out, he's going to need all the advocates he can get when it comes to keeping his relationship with him.

Laugh at the picture and say no, he's not really the image of you at all, is he?

Comment on how interesting this situation might be from a legal point of view, and muse that when you see your solicitor (which you will be doing sooner rather than later unless he a. gives you her details and b. comes clean with his communication with her) that you might ask where he and she stand on the legalities, given that you are still married, and (as you have him on record saying) she had the baby to start a process of acquiring passports, citizenship etc. Mention 'anchor babies' (yes I know it's a different thing) and how complex it might be if you refuse to give him a divorce and she wants a DNA test and him established as the father (tinkly laugh) 'Who knows I may end up with her baby as a child of MY marriage, I'm sure she won't like that at all!' Basically, it does sound as if he could get the baby a passport of course quite straightforwardly, but no harm in giving him the sweats as he realises that there may be more shit to hit the fan.

Tell him too that you won't be keeping your mouth shut with friends, family (family back in his home country?) unless he tells you all about her.

I was just going to say what you said- the baby could be anybody's - men all over paying for a child they think is theirs? Personally it wouldn't make a difference to me. He's they one that has deceived you and your kids for years

I'm not sure it is worth spending energy speculating on what may or may not have gone on between them , or her motivations and circumstances. He is likely to be economical with the truth, with both of you, manipulating the facts to suit himself. It would be very convenient for him to allow you to demonise her, and portray himself as a victim. He is responsible for your situation and fall out, not her.

Agree with LISZ, whatever her motivations, it is him you are dealing with. I wouldn't believe him, he will be eager to minimise his actions and play the victim. it is still very early days and there will be a lot more to come.

Go and see a sollicitor, knowledge is power.

Sorry, agree with LIZS

So, the OW was in a long-term relationship (and maybe still is) while also having sex with your husband. He's never met her son but she has sent pictures of a child that he thinks looks like him and you don't. On this basis he is paying maintenance (would it be a substantial amount in your home country?) and has promised to try to get the child a British passport that she appears to think will entitle her to claim residency here. And all with no DNA test. I would not discount the possibility he's being taken for a ride, and serves him right if so.

will do next week. i am not really interested in her, just it is hard to accept a betrayal from somebody you know and live with for years. He is my first and only man. From that glance i had at his Whatsapp, he is maneuvering between us.

yes, Schnitzel, it is quite good money. Serves him right, probably, but also not good for me and DC's. He is taking the money from our savings.

If he has never met the child or seen her since the pg/birth how is he so certain that the son exists or if he is that he is his child, yet he is willingly sending money regardless and maintaining contact. Sorry but the whole scenario does not add up.

I wouldn’t make any promises not to tell everyone in the world! Can you cancel some cost of his to offset the money? Because he should be paying for his child. Although he should be requesting a dna test first from the sounds of it.

Breath op! Take a moment to just relax. Then start planning how to exit with seeing a solicitor. Option 2 is going or may change you as a person and you may not like it and make you more unhappy. Your partner is in a way manipulating you by saying he was going to divorce you but hey ho I still chose you. Please go for option 1 kids are a lot more resilient than you think. I really wish you the best of luck op x

If you have access to his WhatsApp, can you find out details of the OWs name and contact her yourself? I am not sure I could not confront her