Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

If he has admitted he was actively considering that, that may well have been what he led her to believe too.

I wouldnt be able to stay married to him not only has he cheated but he’s lied and lied .
Plan your escape you and your kids deserve so much more x

'DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.'

Of course he does! The phrase have cake and eat it, too, comes to mind. I'd see a lawyer. You can separate and then divorce. I'd never be able to trust his lying, cheating arse again. Couldn't hide it anymore, my arse. She threatened to out him, more like. And her kid probably won't be able to get a British passport if your H is a naturalised citizen and the child was born abroad. Not your problem, though. What a complete scumbag he is to do this to his family.

You have no moral duty to support a lying cheater who betrayed you and your kids.

'He is saying that at some point he was planning to divotce me and marry her instead but later reconsidered. Saying he was blind and mad.'

How big of him. What a twat.

OP this is hellish for you, so sorry. He says you have a moral obligation to support him. He says he was planning on divorcing you and marrying her but changed his mind (lucky you!!!)
This is a no brainer really. He has behaved like a complete shit and you deserve better. Your DCs will cope, as will you. You are morally obliged to support yourself and your children. Good luck. I don't often say this, but get a lawyer and get as much as you can sweetheart!

"Your morale duty to support " !!! Wow, I'd of thought after that comment it says it all. Did he not think he had a morale duty to his wife and kids first of all. It's really not going to be easy if you stay with him. Sorry

Just read his comment about "moral duty" ~ that must have made you laugh, pity he wasn't thinking of his moral duty before he started having unprotected sex with someone else.
Still, on the bright side, you can remind him about his moral duty when you take half his pension pot off him, and get your children a good maintenance settlement.

And he tells you he was going to divorce you for her? My god he's unbelievable . You owe him NOTHING,do what's best for you and your kids

thanks, guys, cannot thank you separately)))
It is just so raw now, really need some time to think.
Yes, we are naturalised citizens (and proud of it), and the child has been born abroad. Dh came into the counrty via professional route and after 4 year it was ILR, then citizenship.
Yes, DH made compicated arrangements and hid it so well. I would never find out, I guess till he is "relieved" himself.

Get everything lined up for summer, then as soon as the exams are over you and the children can spend the summer holidays getting used to not having him around.

Please don't stay, not for his idea of morals or even your own. Your mental and emotional health are also essential for your children's ongoing support and happiness. If you stay with him the strain will show and affect them quite badly - I've been there myself, though mine were younger.

Plenty of time to organise before summer and to get your head (and heart) around this.

Don't make any rash decisions.
Don't do anything to rock the boat until GCSEs are done.

I have a dd going through all the GCSE's now and fully understand where your coming from, by mid June, if you can hold out, they'll be over. 2mths time aprox.
Sorry Outlook12, I honestly don't know what to say. What a shock. I wouldn't be able to carry on with him, but temporarily while you get things in order and to get your dd through the exams maybe the best option.

yes, I did laugh sarcastically at "moral duty".

Play your cards close to your chest Outlook let him think that you are going along with his idea of remaining together.
Get yourself organised before you make a move.

The fact that he was planning to divorce me (no matter he rescinded it) would have me out so fucking fast!

Going to sleep in the spare bedroom from now on.
Kids will notice, of cource.

Be kind to yourself, OP.
After exams and 11+, I'd tell the children- it's only fair to them to know about this, too. I'd consider a long "holiday" to see how you would feel about divorcing him, without making a huge decision.
I'd be making him consider parting with his luxuries and any valuables to contribute to this child as opposed to family money.
With regards to gossip, I'd keep this private for now- nobody else needs to know. Perhaps your partner sleeps in the spare room, and the DC are told it's backache, or similar. I'd keep things consistent for the next two months if possible, for your DC at least.
You sound like a fantastic mother, and whatever happens, you will be there for your children and ensure they are happy.

he says "it is my moral duty" to support

Sufficient reason to divorce him, I'd have thought.

His moral compass collapses, but you are the one who must adjust your own scruples? Outrageous.

And what are his other children missing out on because he was weak and unfaithful ? £200 a month is a lot to take away from a family.

(I'm NOT saying he shouldn't support his 3rd child, but his selfishness at allowing it to happen is breathtaking). I hope he's taking up extra hours or cutting his own expenditure so that you and your children aren't going without things.

Divorce is your only option as far as I can see.

It's going to be tough on your dcs whether you do nothing or whether you take action. In the long run they'll thank you for setting them a good example of how to respond to betrayal and deception. Better an honest separation and divorce than a fake happy family (which, at their age they'll see tight through).

I'm sorry but I can't see how anyone could patch things up after such a sustained level of deceit.

'Going to sleep in the spare bedroom from now on.
Kids will notice, of cource.'

See a solicitor asap.

thanks, Magic and everyone.
DS knows about divorce as two of his friends parents are divorced. My friend's ex makes her life a misery still, but she is a doctor, so financially independent. I am not. If I was I will be out with kids ASAP.

Flipping heck! He's very magnanimous isn't he? NOT
Moral duty?
Changed his mind about divorcing you?
I'd start by kicking him out.

He is saying that at some point he was planning to divotce me and marry her instead but later reconsidered

I think you should free him up to take up the opportunity. You're not his fallback option.

Right now you'll have so much going round in your hand that my very best advice is to take decisions really slowly, and to be gentle to yourself.

His duplicity is really something to behold and I'm sure that there are traits that you don't recognise and can't believe are really part of who he is. They are part of him though, and if you go with option 2 you will need to come to terms with and accept that side of him. But you don't need to decide this right now.

Sounds to me like you need to focus on your wonderful children, and getting more money coming in. Seeing a solicitor is useful, if only to give you confidence about how you could cope and start figuring out a path.

My heart goes out to you. You sound ever so lovely.

As for the gossip? Hold your head high, it will blow over. Those that matter will love you regardless of what the wider group is talking about.

Why didn't he expect her to get pregnant, doesn't he know how babies are made? You'd never be able to trust him again.