Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

Math, I agree to the extent. Believe me, i was always challenging that kind of remarks. He is not violent or temperamental, so the atmosphere was not that adverse. Even now, nobody is shouting and we speak in hushed voices with the door closed.

The estate agent was a freelancer who was recommended by somebody, don't remember who exactly. H hired her of course. And she is still in his life will stay there because of the child.

H is a good dad to DS, who adores him. Of course, I understand that H was not thinking about DC's when he created this horrible situation. what worries me how DS will react to separation. Probably wil need some councellling.

A good Dad does not treat the mother of his DC like this.

He can still be a "good" Dad as a single parent.

He is not a good dad to DS, he is setting a terrible example with his attitude to women and will be causing a divide between DS and DD. It does make you wonder if he had bothered with the child had he been a girl.

Anyway he is a horrible husband and you will be doing your children a favour for the future by not putting up with him/his actions.

I agree with both of you, Mamia and Tofee. It is just so incredibly sad.

How are you holding up, Outlook?

Are you sleeping, eating? Able to get out in the fresh air at all?

i am actually ok, sleeping is better, cooking healthy food. all as usual. back to work after holidays. had a lovely long walk yesterday. still astonished by the scale of lying, but not heartbroken.

It is incredibly sad outlook and sorry if my post was too harsh. You have only just found out .

Do you have real life support?

it’s ok, Toffee
no, I don’t because nobody knows. Not ready to make a noise.

i am actually ok, sleeping is better, cooking healthy food. all as usual. back to work after holidays. had a lovely long walk yesterday. still astonished by the scale of lying, but not heartbroken

I was heartbroken but even 5 years after separating from my husband I still can’t actuslly believe what happened because of the duplicity involved. It was abd perhaps still is the kind of thing movies are made of, or the kind of magazine article you read where the woman says someone knocked on my door and she told me she was my husbands other family.

To be honest I don’t know how we’re still standing but we are, and though we still scratch our heads a lot me and my children are doing great. In fact I was just told today I’m going to be a nana for the 7th time later this year. That’s another loved one for me to have under my wing and I’m more than able for it.

You’ll also be able for anything!

i am really glad, that everything worked out for you, Teisan. I agree it is a bit like a book plot. I mean, this is usually happen with other people, not me and my lovely DC's? Yes, the situation when somebody is knocking on the door is horrendous. DC's are not ready for that kind of events. At least I am aware of the his double life now.

Teisan, may I ask, did you leave yourself or your husband left and currently living with the second family?

When I am saying I am not heartbroken, I mean that I try to "freeze" or "Stitch" my heart so I can think rationally.

If you wont tell a friend then Book a private therapist/counsellor to talk about it. You are entitled to support for you.

Why are you hiding it ? It is his "shame" not yours. His cheating.

Be factual with dc but discuss with counsellor. The baby is not at fault and is a sibling.

I asked my husband to leave but it took him a while to go and for about a year afterwards he tried to reconcile. I believe about 6 months after he knew there was no going back he did get together with the OW but it didn’t last and he’s now a functioning alcoholic. We’re not divorced and have no plans to divorce. I’m not going through the practical headache of it at this age, I spend my days doing other things, and he has said he’ll never divorce me because I did nothing wrong. That last bit is a bit of a puzzle 🤔. But I will say that like your husband this all happened when my husband was making brief trips to another place on business

He’s lost everything and my heart hurts for him, for all of us, but our husbands are not the common garden gnome type of cheat. There’s way more to them than other men who have an affair. And that’s what you need to keep in mind. This level of duplicity is something else entirely.

Is there anything about your situation that appears redeemable? No. I don’t think there is and I think things have been wrong in your life for a while but cultural implications have played a big part, and will play a big part in your outcome.

But once again I really do have to say that you’ll never keep this wee one a secret if that’s what you’re hoping for. Nowadays family secrets are only ever a click away on google.

And it’s strange because I also have experience of this as someone who was approached a few years ago by a sibling born during my parents Marriage. I now have a lovely brother who is a blessing in my life. It was a huge surprise when he made contact with me 7 years ago but within minutes I had recalled something I’d overheard many decades ago and I was able to ask him something that proved to me that no matter how quiet we think we’re whispering so the children don’t hear - we’re never whispering quietly enough.

I was all quite a situation in a very short space of time - to be dealing with it as a daughter and sister, as well as a wife and mother and grandma.

But we’re ok now. Will we ever get over it completely? No. That’s not going to happen. Will I ever say thank god I got rid of the bastard? No. That’s never going to happen either. I still look back on my marriage with love. I don’t regret it and never will .

So sorry OP What a terrible thing for him to do to you. The ball is definitely in your court now but don’t feel you have to rush any decisions. Some people can move past this but whether you can is up to you. Financially, that can be worked out so I wouldn’t focus on that too much. For me personally, even though that little baby hasn’t done anything, I would find it hard to have to look at him/talk about him knowing how he came into the world.

Cestlavie
yes, I am going to see a councillor but I need a good one, so researching. Don't want to waste time and money.

Teisan

yes, it sounds very similar. It is very good to hear from somebody who has been there and moved on. Yes, it is a deep feeling of regret inside me. We had our good moments and happy memories too. He indeed does not want a dovorce as apparently "you are a wonderful and supportive person and I would like to keep our family". I was a bit lost for words at this discrepancy with his behaviour.

Thanks, Mismatched

not going to rush. For now I am not feeling very generous towards the baby, even if I know it is his fault. Will see.

Just hoping to save you a little time and money here - ask counselor candidates if they have experience dealing with people who are victims of narcissists.

You can call counselors up and ask them about their approach and experience before committing to them.

Just hoping to save you a little time and money here - ask counselor candidates if they have experience dealing with people who are victims of narcissists

At the very least

I hope your planning to leave him. He is vile. The level of disrespect towards you is astounding!

He got some tramp pregnant and lied through his teeth for years. That has to be unforgivable.

Get your stuff together and leave.. and let everyone know what a vile creature he is.

You are going to be rocked by this for quite awhile and need to start taking stock of your options before making life changing decisions.

If you don't have funds for a solicitor, go to Citizens Advice/Legal Aid.

If you are married and your name isn't on the mortgage, you can apply to have your rights registered to protect your interests so he can not rent, sell or re-mortgage the property.

You need to start making financial decisions such as to how the bills will be paid and if you are not fully informed of your financial position, you need to start finding out about all bank accounts, pensions, savings and such.

You can not force him to leave anymore than he can force you to leave if you are married. Having just gone through a surprise divorce after finding out about my ex's 2 year affair, learned that even though he was court ordered eventually out of the house, I couldn't so much as change the locks as he still jointly owned the house.

Also, his affair and love child will be taken into consideration of what is called Bad Acts by the divorce court if you file within 2 years of discovering the bad act. I was awarded 70% of the assets due to my ex's Bad Acts.

I would limit telling the kids the reasons behind what is going on and simply that you are having difficulties and are just working out how things will be in the future. Try not to get the kids to take sides.

The kids will ask why you are sleeping in a different room and again, tell them you are having some issues and you are their father are working on them together at the moment.

Things might be civil at the moment but as most who have gone through a divorce will tell you, it can become nasty quick.

The most important advice I can give you is to keep a journal.

The dates you found out, the stories he has told you and every updated version. I find it extremely suspicious that almost as soon as he told you, he ran straight to her to let her know that the deed was done so she could hear about your reaction.

This was not a one time thing and they were making plans for a life together and she may be still hoping that if you leave out of anger, she can just take her place in your home and life.

Whatever you do, keep in mind that if you walk out of the family home without cause such as domestic violence, you can lose your rights to the asset and you need legal advice quick even if you aren't taking action yet.

Make plans and don't share them with him. Look at what ever areas you need to either have a life without him or counseling options if you were to consider moving forward with him.

Get copies of all legal documents such as birth certificates, wedding certificates, banking, mortgages and such. Make sure you are aware of the outgoings of the household. Clearly you did not know that £200 was going to her and you may find out that it was a lot more than that.

The courts can award you and occupation order. I was given one and my ex was removed (domestic violence incident when I refused to sign away all my rights to assets and move out into a bedsit) and he was removed for 12 months and ordered to pay the mortgage, council tax and all utilities and then ordered to pay spousal support until the divorce settlement in which I took 70% of the marital assets in cash and he took the house with the mortgage.

Take time to sit and just breath and document everything as I suspect that as times passes you will find out so much more than you ever could imagine.

Take time with your kids and when they ask just tell them that you understand their concerns but you want to keep it between you and their father and that you will both be there for them this time of uncertainty.

Math and Teisan

never thought about that. Will look into narcissism.

Sammy

i think i will rise above it. will not going to discuss it much I guess.

Callkiki

thanks for your informative post, I am sorry you have been through it, but glad it is all over for you.

Yes, i was thinking the same-it will turn nasty when there is a fight for some assets/ access to children. Going to conserve my strengh and bravery. Keeping diary is a good idea.

but our husbands are not the common garden gnome type of cheat. There’s way more to them than other men who have an affair. And that’s what you need to keep in mind. This level of duplicity is something else entirely.

It’s what I leave meant when I said the above. But to be honest I’d also be looking at what’s used to be called sociopathy and psychopathy.

Yes, me tooTeisanLap.

But looking up too much just results in you going round and round in circles, looking at checklists, looking at red flags, deciding he is this , that or the other, while remaining stuck emotionally and in terms of legal action and financial planning.

What you need is someone to sound your thoughts and feelings off, who will help you disengage, rehearse your verbal approach, analyse what he is getting at when he talks to you, reassure you that you are strong and courageous, and in general help to pick you up off the floor and help you move forward.

To do this effectively you need someone who understands sociopathy, psychopathy (YYY to this TeisanLap) and narcissism. You don't want to sit there talking about your childhood, the dream where you are in a supermarket stark naked, etc...

Someone who deals with the victim in the aftermath of involvement with the three PDs mentioned will know what the main issues are for you.

He thinks we can just move on from now on, "because I have told you and I will try my best to be a good husband and father".