Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

"Happy family" indeed! we planned a little trip down to Dorset to see friends, but not going now as i am not going to play it.

Each month how did he account for the £200 contribution?

I think the OW was threatening to tell you (perhaps because she knew her child wouldn't get a British passport otherwise) and that's why he's told you now.

He had an affair because he thought he'd never be caught as it was in a different country. Nothing to do with his parents. You have no moral obligation to him and I'm glad that you have british citizenship so you're not tied to him.

If you split up, he has to pay maintenance. Assuming he doesn't want to go to court and be chased legally, you will get money to support your children.

You earn a low enough amount to get tax credits. You will have more income than you expect.

And eventually you will sell your house and have money from that, but it may be you won't have to move out if his payments to you are enough.

Pinky, he is just sayind he was "mad", but then recovered from his blindness. PG was a surprise for him, so he says.

forgot to mention that the child and DS also share the first name, it is lovely and popular name but I am devastated at this fact as well. So DS has a brother who is also named the same.

going to serve dinner now so switching off in case somebody overlooks the thread. Thank you, lovely ladies, for helping me to find the right desicion.

You must be in such a spin, what a total headfuck.

So she wasn't treating him a sperm donor, was he? He had an affair for years and told her he was going to marry her.

GCSE's will be over in 9 or so weeks. That gives you time to work stuff out.

While it may feel like your letting your DCs down by not staying together, what does that show them about adult relationships, and your self worth. That it's ok to lie and cheat or be a cheated on. That it's ok to start a relationship with someone and lie to them that you will leave and marry them instead and then renege, perhaps while OW was pregnant.

You will come out the other side of this shit. It's a shame to lose money on the house, but you may find a way around it, either way divorce is expensive. But you can't by self respect.

Just seen your update wrt babies name! Wtf was he thinking letting her call the child the same name?

'Pinky, he is just sayind he was "mad", but then recovered from his blindness. PG was a surprise for him, so he says.'

Haahaaha! He's a weapons-grade cunt. He was a horny dog in heat, that's not an illness, that's just wankery.

That is just bizarre, and he allowed it ? Surely she either did not know about you or dc or she hoped to use his identity in some way.

He's got two sons with the same name?? No way was he intending on marrying her or you and the kids ever finding out. Otherwise he'd have insisted he have a different name. How weird from both their parts that they named him the same. Maybe the OW didn't know he was married?

It just gets worse, how does he think your son will feel when he finds out esp with the name etc. Get through exams and plan away in the meantime.god you all deserve so much better 💐

Oh wow, this whole situation is like something out of a soap. It’s absolutely unbelievable... I cannot believe the man’s audacity.

He not only put YOUR health at risk by having unprotected sex with another woman and then presumably with you but he has had a CHILD and kept it hidden from you for years, the fact he gave the child the same name as your DS is simply the cherry on the cake.

People who grieve do all kinds of crazy things, granted but bearing a child and hiding it from your spouse for years? No, not so common. I admit it’s a tricky time for you as GCSEs are such a crucial time but you cannot stay with this man. There’s infidelity and then there’s this... I’m in shock on your behalf tbh. If you can even bear the sight of him then stick around for a couple of months until DD’s exams are over but then you really must get out. He is bordering on insanity.

2 years of an affair and then 2 years of hiding a child. I couldn’t even look at him. I would cut him off if he ever ever brings up his parents dying, that is NOT a reason. Selfish cheating asshole is a reason.

While it may feel like your letting your DCs down by not staying together, what does that show them about adult relationships, and your self worth. That it's ok to lie and cheat or be a cheated on. That it's ok to start a relationship with someone and lie to them that you will leave and marry them instead and then renege, perhaps while OW was pregnant

THIS!

I wish my mother had had the strength to think this way.

And as for his 3rd child having the same name as one of its brothers. That is a symbol of his complete spineless selfishness.

It wasn't a moment of 'madness' or 'blindness' (both such insulting terms). It was an affair he prolonged because he thought he could get away with it.

Strength and good luck to you.

Do not engage with this man. Blank him. Give yourself time to think.

Personally, I would stay in the circumstances. I know that's going against what everybody has said but this can be overcome with total honesty from him from now on. That's just me though, obviously it might not be right for you.

yes honesty turnip

bye dear im off to my other child and his mother see you next week!

really

I don't see how you could possibly ever trust him again.
It might be worth seeing a counsellor, either alone or together, to get you through what needs to be done, since you will need to stay in contact with the father of your kids.
Wishing you well, and hoping you can get to the other side as easily as possible.xxx

By all means do all the ducks in a row etc preparation for divorce, but don't act yet. Discuss your situation with a discreet and trusted friend if you feel able. A surprising number of people cope with similar situations. It's not uncommon for people to find they have unknown half siblings and accept them to a greater or lesser extent.

After her GCSEs and end of term, tell DD, at a time and place when and where there is no chance DS hearing or seeing anything. Both be present but get your husband to first tell her what he has done, try to be calm while he does for her sake. Let her ask questions of you both with honest replies. Discuss with DD whether DS should know yet, possibly even tell her your own two options, (unless your mind is irrevocably made up by then). You decide how to tell DD, but I suggest both of you together might be best so DD knows everything is out in the open.

You must be feeling very shocked and disoriented so be kind to yourself, as you would after an illness or bereavement. Please completely ignore my suggestions if they don't chime with your own thinking! Huge sympathy for your difficult dilemma.

GCSEs are important so for my childrens sake I'd stay until they are finished and like you say, make plans on how to get out and get your ducks in a row.

'Personally, I would stay in the circumstances. I know that's going against what everybody has said but this can be overcome with total honesty from him from now on. That's just me though, obviously it might not be right for you.'

PMSL @ that idea that a person who lied for years to his family, hid a child from them, even, can ever be relied upon for total honesty.

Wow, just reading your additional comments- I'm so sorry. What a horrible, horrible situation you are in. The hurt must be unbelievable. I 100% wouldn't be able to stay with him for the kids or for anything else, the children may not understand now but as adults they would more than understand why you left.

Personally, I would stay in the circumstances. I know that's going against what everybody has said but this can be overcome with total honesty from him from now on. That's just me though, obviously it might not be right for you.

Really? You'd trust a man who cheated and hid a child from you, then told you he was actually going to divorce you and marry her but changed his mind? You must have a very low opinion of yourself which is sad.

How awful it is for you! Definitely prepare for separation / divorce without too much impact on yourself and your children. You deserve better, my husband also used the "blind and mad" excuse for cheating although no pregnancy. I would have left my husband if I had a job, lesson learnt, never leave your career and become financially dependent to your spouse.

This was over a year ago now. I am still earning far less than before and much less than husband - but at least I know I have an option if things go wrong.

Hope you have a good family and friends support, stay strong and focus on yourself and your children. Let him pay for all the bills while you prepare your independent.

Good luck and best wishes.