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Original poster

Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

207 replies

desperatesux · 11/04/2018 10:28

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 11/04/2018 10:30

I would marry him long enough to divorce him and claim half of everything.

KalaLaka · 11/04/2018 10:32

Marry him: you owe yourself the financial security after all your work. Can you do a simple register office wedding and just get it done? Marriage is a legal arrangement as much as a romantic one- you need this. I agree with your family and friends.

RatherBeRiding · 11/04/2018 10:33

I wouldn't call him a catch at all - but you are in a very vulnerable position financially unless you marry him. And you have 3 children to think about.

Just do it, as your friends suggest, and then consider where you stand and what your relationship looks like.

RandomMess · 11/04/2018 10:33

If you marry and then divorce in England then the years you co habited prior to divorce count as "married" years in order to assess whether it was a long marriage or not...

I would marry him tbh to protect you and your DC financial futures.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/04/2018 10:35

MARRY HIM.

You need that financial security.

Just bloody do it asap.

Then you can sit back and think how you take the fucker for everything you can.

conservativeuterus · 11/04/2018 10:35

Marry him. Hold you nose and do it for your own financial security.

ILikeMyChickenFried · 11/04/2018 10:36

Marry him. If it's going to go wrong you'll be much more protected married to him.

mydietstartsmonday · 11/04/2018 10:36

MARRY HIM

MrsWooster · 11/04/2018 10:36

This sounds awful but slightly unclear- the only way to do WHAT is get married...? to separate and you get your share or to continue the relationship while equalling things up financially?
Tbh, either way this situation sounds like there is little joy or love in it for you. At least marriage, seen purely as a pragmatic , legal arrangement , would protect your 18 year investment.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 11/04/2018 10:38

I agree marry him. If necessary see it as a legal contract.

MotherTERF · 11/04/2018 10:39

Agree completely, marry him in order to protect yourself and your children.

Then divorce and ensure you have what is rightfully yours.

Hont1986 · 11/04/2018 10:43

Having a very short marriage isn't going to be much help if the goal is to get 50/50. You'd need to stay married to him for a good few years to start getting that sort of split. Are you prepared to do that?

SevenStones · 11/04/2018 10:44

@MrsWooster The only way for him to give her tax free money is if they're married is how I took it.

Do it. ASAP. Then wait a decent amount of time and divorce him.

SevenStones · 11/04/2018 10:46

Having a very short marriage isn't going to be much help if the goal is to get 50/50. You'd need to stay married to him for a good few years to start getting that sort of split. Are you prepared to do that?

Someone upthread mentioned that if you're married pre-marriage cohabitation is taken into account. They've been together 18 years so far.

AthenaAshton · 11/04/2018 10:46

Another vote for marrying him.

Aspergallus · 11/04/2018 10:47

Yep marry him. Just get it done in a registry office. You will feel better treating it like a transaction rather than attempting some big pseudo-romantic event that leaves you crying into your prosecco at the end of the night about unmet expectations...

Cricrichan · 11/04/2018 10:48

Will he definitely give it you if you're not married? Then eve if you're taxed, do it.

Then once you're on your own, set up a competing business and poach his/your clients.

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 10:48

I live in Ireland so length of time isn't an issue, I would get 50:50
I'm not looking for that though, the house and the pension would be enough for me, the house is worth a lot with v little mortgage on it.
I would also get something if we didn't marry, the issue there would be it would be taxed a third

I don't want to break up now, but while I was desperate to fix things at xmas (as a lot of the issues were mine) I no longer feel the same.
I took full responsibility for our issues and he took none. We can't get married for 3 months after giving notice and I don't know if I will be able to keep my mouth shut for that long.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 11/04/2018 10:50

But aren't you considered his common law wife? Have you been to see a solicitor and see what your options are?

Also might be an idea to start keeping copies of finances etc before he starts hiding assets and also if you have proof of his infidelity that would help you too.

BubblesAndSquarks · 11/04/2018 10:52

Why would tax have to be paid? Couldn't your name be added as homeowner, then his later removed, and him just transfer the amount of money into your account like a couple who are staying together but not married may do?

newmumwithquestions · 11/04/2018 10:53

Marry him. Marry him. Marry him.

I totally understand if neither of you have any inclination to have a big wedding but why not at least have a honeymoon. It would give you the space to work through your relationship. Fresh start, etc.

HollowTalk · 11/04/2018 10:55

There's no such thing as a common law wife, Beaverhausen.

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 10:56

Apparently he can't give it to me tax free unless we are married. It would be considered a gift where I am from
I actually do want to get married, its embarrassing saying girlfriend after almost 20 years!! I guess he just sees he has everything to lose and nothing to gain if he gets married. I never realised how greedy he was and now that I am no longer as important in work he feels he can re write history.

I don't mind not having a wedding, ring etc but the fact that he has told no one and probably won't (as once he does there is no backing out) unnerves me.

OP posts:
SevenStones · 11/04/2018 10:58

Just marry him. It will save you 33% in tax.

QuiteLikely5 · 11/04/2018 11:02

Marry him. You’ve been together all this time so you are deserving of half the assets and more!!!!!

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