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Original poster

Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

207 replies

desperatesux · 11/04/2018 10:28

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 11/04/2018 13:54

@desperatesux he doesn't know you use MN does he?

Hypermice · 11/04/2018 13:58

Get some decent tax advice before you do this - has it occurred to you that by marrying g you he might actually be better off and you worse? You need to get serious professional advice

ChickenMom · 11/04/2018 13:59

Have you been to a solicitor to see what your options are? If the difference between marrying him and not is a few thousand then I’d not and kick him to the kerb. Get all the info before you decide. Get him to sign the house over to you for sure

ChickenMom · 11/04/2018 14:01

Or get married but see as little as possible of him between now and then. Do quick registry office. Can’t you fly over to London and do it there? Then you wouldn’t need to wait 3 months?

ChickenMom · 11/04/2018 14:01

Las Vegas wedding?

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 14:03

How long do you have to wait in the UK?
He is going to work in Vegas in July and I was almost considering tagging along to do it there but its only a month earlier. I kindoff want to do it NOW after reading these replies

I have been to see a solicitor and tax adviser and it would cost upwards of 700K if we didn't get married. It would also mean I would have to sell the house to pay for the tax. My idea is to live in it until the kids are out of education, sell it buy a small place and use the rest to fund my semi retirement.

OP posts:
Donotdisturbme · 11/04/2018 14:04

Is the tennis woman still on the scene?

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/04/2018 14:06

Marry him

But quietly set yourself up as a rival business , then the fecker out of his 💐😁

snewsname · 11/04/2018 14:08

But you don't really want to marry him either. Do it for the practical reasons then re think from scratch afterwards. Take each day as it comes.

BlondeB83 · 11/04/2018 14:09

I would marry him and then if he doesn’t get his act together divorce him and take him to the cleaners. What an arse!

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 14:13

No she isn't still on the scene. That I know of. I don't think she had any interest, I suspect she entertained playing him at tennis as she thought he could help her work wise. He was doing all the contacting.

He won't accept he did anything wrong, apart from explain to me more clearly how he met her. I just thought she was someone from the club.

He won't tell his mother as he knows he couldn't back out then. I might try and find a way to tell her (without the kids knowing)

When things are good I want to marry him but he has all the power and he knows it so he is flexing his muscles like never before. For years he was the one that was worried I would leave him. Now he has no such worries and I expect it makes me far less attractive in his eyes

OP posts:
TeisanLap · 11/04/2018 14:18

Do it Op. You’d be amazed at what you can do when you have to.

I speak from experience. 😉

OlennasWimple · 11/04/2018 14:20

Fly to Gretna Green? Or explore Belfast wedding options?

Namechange128 · 11/04/2018 14:24

When things are good I want to marry him but he has all the power and he knows it so he is flexing his muscles like never before

What all the pps here are trying to tell you is that when things are good it doesn't matter so much if you are married. When things are bad it REALLY REALLY matters. You can deal with your relationship separately, it would be lovely if it can work out, but if not you really don't want him to be walking away with most of what you helped to build. Good luck...

ReanimatedSGB · 11/04/2018 15:29

Maybe you could take his mother out for lunch and 'confide' in her that you are really happy he has finally asked to marry you, and that it was going to be a surprise but you thought she would like enough warning to get herself a nice hat?

FizzyGreenWater · 11/04/2018 17:14

He won't tell his mother as he knows he couldn't back out then. I might try and find a way to tell her (without the kids knowing)

YES. Definitely do this.

When things are good I want to marry him but he has all the power and he knows it so he is flexing his muscles like never before. For years he was the one that was worried I would leave him. Now he has no such worries and I expect it makes me far less attractive in his eyes

Yes, but who gives a fuck? That is over the minute you marry. You are then the one with the power. He may not even really get that - seeing you being the enthusiastic one is probably going right to his head. Good. Let that carry all the way through to marriage, then BAM. You've effectively got a solid claim - everything is just as much yours, especially after so long in a relationship. He's fucked. You can then relax, do what you like, and get on with starting to organise yourself for a life without him.

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 17:21

I agree, my next worry is that when it comes to it he won't marry me and I have to wait 3 months to find out if that is the case !!!
He has already backed out of the pension commitment, this afternoon
Not this year and I do understand why it can't happen. Another part of the business (nothing to do with my side) has been lost.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 11/04/2018 17:23

why the secrecy.... come to Glasgow and get married here... Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/04/2018 17:34

I think he's agreed to marry you to keep you quiet while he figures out how he can walk away without paying you a penny

Sadly, I have to agree; it's all very well encouraging OP to "marry him", but it might be wise to have a proper Plan B for if he refuses. After all, why would someone this calculating willingly put his name to something which might cost him even more?

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 17:34

How long do you have to wait to get married in Glasgow?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/04/2018 17:36

The waiting period is the same across the UK.

loveka · 11/04/2018 17:38

I agree. Marry him and plaster a smile on your face whilst doing it.

There are times in life when you have to do what you need to do for YOU.

You have earnt the money you will gain by doing it.

user1487175389 · 11/04/2018 17:45

Gotta be done, sadly. How about a registry office and a couple of friends ? No point making a big thing about it. However, as he probably knows you're only marrying him for financial security you may have trouble getting him down the aisle.

Another option would be to strike out on your own - take one of those jobs you've been offered and start from scratch (with the dcs). Might be less hassle in the long run (I speak as someone who has spent the past 4 years trying to divorce a tosser and found there's very little in the way of Legal Aid available.)

Gemini69 · 11/04/2018 17:51

www.glasgow.gov.uk/index.aspx?articleid=17037

it says minimum notice.... 29 days Flowers

Gemini69 · 11/04/2018 17:51

worth a look OP x