Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

[desperatesux]

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

Marry him, see if anything changes and toughen up, then in six months you can go and get your share.

Have you had proper legal advice, including how much difference how long you will have been married will make if / when you divorce?

On the basis of that advice, do what is best for you materially, and try to limit your emotional exposure to this situation. It's sad for you and you need to rally as much emotional support around you as you can. get a pro if you need to, or at least make sure you have friends around you who will support you through all this.

OP, what do you actually want?

Is the plan: Get married, wait 3 months, separate and then divorce on the grounds of what, unreasonable behaviour? If so, yes absolutely marry him and take the house and pension, no problems there.

Or, are you hoping once you're married you'll magically fall back in love and it will all be fine and actually you won't have to divorce? If it's this, then open a joint account with him and have him transfer the pension money into it. Have yourself put on the mortgage etc and then live separately for 6 months. If after 6 months you are sure you don't want a relationship with him, then split, he takes himself off the mortgage and the joint account and you go your separate ways.

Marry him! Just do it and put yourself in a better position. You should have been married in the first place and he knew that but just kept quiet. Protect your financial position which is rightly yours then deal with it later as needed.

But he has agreed to marry you. Currently if you separated, there would be less. So whether he’s an arse, or controlling as you say- he is ensuring that you are treated fairly. Surely that counts a little?

MARRY HIM
MARRY HIM
MARRY HIM

Then bide your time and get the fuck outta there.

I don't usually advocate marriage for money, but you've given him 18 years of loyalty, dedication and support. You've forfeited your own career and ambitions for this guy.

You deserve half of everything tax-free

MARRY HIM!!!

Marrying him doesn’t have to mean having a wedding - just go to the register office and get it done - parents of a friend of mine did this for tax reasons and never told anybody! You need to think of it as a legal arrangement rather than a romantic gesture.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him ASAP. If you're both agreed that you'd be marrying just for the financial security and that it will likely end in divorce within a few years then marry quietly at a registry office or else do it abroad. And don't involve your children. It'll be confusing for them to see their parents, who don't get on, get married and then live separate lives and divorce soon after. But if you decide to make another go of it then marry and have a small but open ceremony with your children involved.

BubblesandSquarks without declaring it to the tax authorities, that's tax evasion.

Definitely proper legal and tax accounting advice if you haven't already before you do anything you regret. There may be relief available, at least hold-over relief, particularly if he agreed to transfer another kind of asset to you.

If he's that rich, I am not surprised he's not keen to marry you (which is only for your benefit since he would be losing the same amount of money whether you get it as a non-married partner through the courts, then taxed, or if he gives it to you as his spouse) - if you're entitled to 50/50 in Ireland in these circs as you say, you could take him for a lot more by the sound of it.

If you really don't think you'll be living happily ever after, would there be scope to talk to him and agree a more generous payment (properly taxed) to get it done properly without either of you having to commit to a legal partnership you don't really want? Are there rules in Ireland for example about how long you have to be married before you apply for a divorce? - eg in the UK you can't get a divorce in the first year of marriage.

OP, it sounds as though you have come to a few serious realisations regarding your relationship and your future financial stability.

You say that he doesn't want to marry you. Do you think that he wants to continue the relationship at all?

I don't think he wants to break up, no. However I'm not so sure once the kids are gone and I am no longer needed in the company say in 8 years would he want to stay together

The way I feel the best chance for me to start over is if I leave now. I am still relatively good looking - could get another job etc etc
8-10 years time no chance.

We get on pretty well most of the time but any sort of conflict is a disaster as he will never ever see my point of view and I am always the bad guy, crazy unreasonable.

I don't want to break up, certainly after reading all the singles threads and how depressing it is out there. But I don't want to drag someone down the isle either
I mean if he doesn't want to marry me after all this time he is never going to so I'm really just wasting my time.

why us he the one thats rich if you did 75pc of the work? Surely you own the company 50/50? If not, can he not just make you an equal shareholder and then its all solved without having to get married?

Get married. Then start to live seperates lives and yeah don't hang around the next 8 years...

No again tax reasons why this is not possible. He worked, its just what I did made all the money and I essentially ran a business within a business for years which made up about 70% of the profits.
He has screwed me over, no question and he has reasons for everything but he has convinced himself he is the ultimate good guy (as this is how he presents himself to the world) and is currently re writing history where I wasn't so fundamental even though all the clients and vendors would have said so.
No to appease me he will give me the house/pension but have to get married - 4 month wait and I'm not sure he will go through with it in 4 months or If I will be able to keep my mouth shut.

Normally I would say don’t marry someone who behaves like your DP, but in this case I think you should marry him. You have worked in his business, he has invested in assets and you have nothing because your money has been spent on running the home and family. That’s not a partnership. If he walks away now you will possibly get nothing.

So I think you should marry him now to protect yourself financially.

@thunder I had no ideal tax between couples existed. Does that mean that technically transferring any money between a couple should have tax paid on it or is it just if they're separating?

You have the chance to set this on an even footing and you need to do it for your own future. Marry him and see how it goes form there. You will kick yourself later if you don't.

You don't owe him anything. Keep your mouth shut and fake it till you make it.

There's no such thing (in UK tax law - I am aware the OP is in Ireland) as being in a couple - you're either married/civil partners, or you're two individuals. If you're two individuals, it makes no difference whether you have been living together for 20 years, siblings, friends or just gave your house to the man sitting next to you on the bus one day.

There are limited exceptions for certain gifts but basically, yes - there's a risk of CGT or on death IHT being charged.

Op be pragmatic and not romantic, you would not be dragging him down the isle, you would be making a legally binding agreement regarding finances and your financial security.

Marry him, then work out what you want from your life.

I wouldn't marry him. I'd rather pay the tax and get out and rebuild my life.

I agree there is no such thing as common law wife. You are either married or single and this does have tax and inheritance implications. I believe that HMRC and CAB websites contain more info about the legal implications. If you both ran the business, don't you own half each ? Regarding the business side of things do you have shares, wage, pension, anything in your name ? If you have nothing in your name you have been very naive. Do you have property in your name ?

Please go to a tax specialist.

The most straightforward way (moneywise) appears to be marriage, but from what you've said it might not be good for your mental health.

There's no such thing as common law marriage so length of time together doesn't really protect you.

Charlie McCreevy tightened up the Dwelling House Exemption so he can't just gift you the house to even up your financial position - but are you down as joint owner of the family home? If you are, there might be some scope there.

If marriage is the only way, can you fake a bit of excitement and "accidentally" tell people (your "inlaws" for example) to emotionally tie him into it - he could back out at any stage at the moment, and if he is going to look bad to people whose opinions matter to him, it might make him behave better.

Going against the tide, but no way on earth would I marry him.

Go see a family lawyer who can advise on the best path, go to a larger firm that can draw on the assistance of tax/company law specialists. I suspect the best path is to marry him. You need to put aside the emotions and take a business like approach to this.

I'd marry him.