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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

207 replies

desperatesux · 11/04/2018 10:28

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/04/2018 17:52

If you live Eire then you need to check out the rules for you to marry in the UK or are you in Northern Ireland?

expatinscotland · 11/04/2018 17:53

Sorry, I'm wrong. 21 days for civil marriages in Scotland.

Gemini69 · 11/04/2018 17:55

I agree with everyone.. Marry him and secure your rights to the business you helped build Flowers

SomeKnobend · 11/04/2018 17:56

It's YOUR money op. It's shit that there are legal hoops you have to jump through to get it but here we are. Marry the fucker, then get your divorce and your money.

swingofthings · 11/04/2018 18:07

This is so depressing. Marriage is not to be used in your circumstances and you would be lying to suit you your commercial arrangement. You could have left him years ago but you chose to stay, so you must have gained something from staying in this relationship.

I still don't get what he has to gain from marrying you. It seems that paying taxes would be the least of his worries compared to being married.

Your relationship is odd, but marrying is definitely not right. Don't forget that someone could contest it and considering what you've said here, they would be right to do so.

RandomMess · 11/04/2018 18:09

Swingifthings - it's only very modern days that marriage was about love rather than because of necessity and legal advantages!!

Starlight2345 · 11/04/2018 18:11

Yep marry .

I know you Have you taken advice but was it independent Just to make sure it is best to offer what is best for you not him.

8SaltandVinegar · 11/04/2018 18:16

Don't forget now that you'll have to be separated for at least 4 years out of 5 years from the marriage. But in my opinion it would be worth it.

Sunshinegirl82 · 11/04/2018 19:02

It seems to me that your best bet would be to ensure you've received solid advice and then act on that.

There are lots of places where you don't have to wait three months to marry. Can't you tell his mother and then make arrangements to fly to Gretna/London/New York/Vegas for a long weekend and just get it done?

Katara · 11/04/2018 19:28

Okay, the other side of the coin - have you taken advice on how easy it will be to divorce? Do you need his agreement? Do child care and financial issues need to be agreed in the settlement?

I say this because I am in a jurisdiction where it is a 50/50 split financially, but if matters are not agreed re children, you cannot divorce. And if you cannot agree matters regarding the children and there is no final court order, then you can go whistle for your half of the money.

My advice is absolutely do not get married without being clear on the practicalities of the divorce. And being stuck in the divorce from hell, I would disagree with the advice to get married. If he is using it as a means of control, then he can use the divorce to do the same.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? What would you be entitled to as a cohabitee? I truly would not get married for all the money in the world assuming I could easily get divorced.

I am a single parent, it is way, way better than being controlled.

Caucho · 11/04/2018 19:40

I’m not surprised he’s unenthusiastic as you don’t seem to be particularly enamoured either. If I thought someone was only marrying me for financial reasons I wouldn’t be waltzing down the aisle either. At least it seems like he has some morals and is doing the right thing rather than saying tough luck see ya

ineedaholidaynow · 11/04/2018 19:44

How come he has morals if he has ended up with all the money and OP with very little?

Jackeeninthewest · 11/04/2018 19:54

I know you said at the moment you'd find it hard to wait the three months required to notify the state before marrying, as this is the case and If you marry him and then separate can you manage waiting the four years required to wait to file for divorce as is the case here in Ireland? If so then go for it. Have you gone for legal advice already to see where you stand now and also if when you marry? A good family solicitor should give you a good idea. Also you might want to speak to a forensic accountant who would be able to do a bit of investigation re his assists etc. I know it's a very difficult situation you're in but you need to think of your future and that if your children

deadringer · 11/04/2018 20:00

Marry him op for financial security for you and and your DCs. Marriage is a legal partnership and after 18 years you and your children are entitled to the benefits, fuck him if he is not too keen. Wasn't marriage introduced mainly to protect children in the first place. We have no fault divorce in Ireland so it shouldn't be too complicated. I mean, divorce is never easy but if you break up he will want to hang on to his assets so it's going to get messy anyway.

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 20:32

Caucho I understand what you are saying but this has come up because i need financial security. I have nothing in my name, zero and he has 12 million + which I helped him earn.
I'm only looking for the house, I have been upfront and honest about this. Just the way he is being .. the love is going rapidly. I would have been totally devastated to break up a few months ago, now not so much. I just don't want to be screwed over as I know I will never get over it.
I don't think he would do it while his mother is alive but she is in poor help and once his moral compass goes all bets are off.

OP posts:
Caucho · 11/04/2018 20:38

But he said he’s prepared to hand over a wedge of cash. It’s only due to the tax man you want to marry. He’s also agreed to that. I just wonder why you expect him to skip down the aisle with a massive smile on his face in a big romantic manner when you feel the same as him

Original poster
desperatesux · 11/04/2018 20:41

Not really, he said if we break up he will but that means selling the house to pay for the tax and I have to take his word for it. I don't expect him to be skipping for joy, we are not 25 anymore or in the first flushes of love but we are together in a committed relationship with children so why would he be so depressed about marrying me when he says he loves me. I was not at all depressed until I saw his reaction to it all

OP posts:
SmileyBird · 11/04/2018 20:43

I would book a registry office and see how he reacts. If I wasn’t married in 4 months time I wold leave.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/04/2018 20:45

OP why do you not want more? It sounds as if you deserve more. Also how much will he pay towards the children, as it doesn't sound as if he pays anything towards them now?

Is it possible that he could marry again and the children could miss out on their eventual inheritance?

saiya06 · 11/04/2018 20:47

GET MARRIED ABROAD ASAP

Jackeeninthewest · 11/04/2018 20:51

With that amount of money involved you really should get good legal advice and speak to a good Tax and / or forensic account. Break ups and divorce get messy and men with money often hide assists well in advance of splitting. Sorry to be so blunt but a family member was married to a very wealthy and abusive but clever man. she didn't get the house, in fact she got less than half, he hid his wealth and she ended up getting a small fraction of what she should have after 20+ years together. Protect yourself and your kids.

Caucho · 11/04/2018 20:59

Ok maybe I misread but originally came across as the opposite of a committed relationship. More just a marriage of convenience so that he can pay you some money without the taxman getting hold of some of it

saiya06 · 11/04/2018 21:03

sorry just read the thread and saw people had made this comment. But seriously, FAKE IT and get married abroad asap. Until then just keep your mouth shut. You'll really regret it in 10 years if you can't slap on a smile for 2 weeks in exchange for a million dollars.

Itscurtainsforyou · 11/04/2018 23:16

Book an appointment at the registry office and get the legal contract sorted. You've been in a partnership so long it's only the legal details preventing you being entitled to what you've earned/deserve.

At once it's done you can take stock and decide about the future on an even footing but at the moment splitting up is a big risk for you.

Antonia2549 · 11/04/2018 23:41

The courts will take into account your total tine together, children's ages and business achievements, success, assets..,,

I strongly advise you to seek legal advice NOW!

It wouldn't surprise me if he has already consulted a Solicitor.

Stay ahead of the game.

Best of luck.

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