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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

207 replies

desperatesux · 11/04/2018 10:28

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 11/04/2018 12:29

I agree marry him. If necessary see it as a legal contract.

What else is it??

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 11/04/2018 12:29

Well you present yourself as business savvy, so treat it as a business deal and get married. 3-4 months to keep quiet is nothing compared to paying 33% tax.

What’s to stop you changing jobs in 6 months?

upsideup · 11/04/2018 12:29

No way would I marry someone if I was in this situation, I would get out now. I cant believe so many people are advising you marry him.

LanaorAna2 · 11/04/2018 12:29

Marry him. Apart from anything else your share of the assets will be in your hands ie protected for your kids, whereas if you don't they'll get 0 once he gives the lot to tennis poster girls.

There is no shame in marrying for legal reasons/financial security - tragically, it's the only way a lot of women can ever access any of the world's money.

In your case you actually made the money involved, so it's only right you see as much of it as you can.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/04/2018 12:31

Marry him. Take the long view. Protect yourself and your kids.

Hold your nerve - you need to do this.

UndomesticHousewife · 11/04/2018 12:31

Don’t even worry about whether he might not want to get married, you’ll be screwed if you don’t and married or not your relationship is likely to stay the same.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/04/2018 12:36

First, get proper legal/financial advice about the difference marrying and subsequently divorcing him would make - it's vital to have as much information as possible.

However, given that this man doesn't appear to care very much about you, and has avoided marrying you over the years, how are you going to ensure he actually marries you? He might have agreed to do so in order to shut you up, and it's possible that he's taken some advice on his own account, and will fanny around delaying any actual wedding arrangements while he hides as much of his money as possible so he can then dump you with minimum costs. Even if you get as far as booking the registry office, you still can't force him to make marriage vows if he decides it's not in his best interests to do so - if you are hoping he will go along with it in order to not look like a bad guy, this might not work given that you say he's already rewriting history to make you look like the unreasonable little woman...

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 11/04/2018 12:40

But but but....

It wouldn't be your tax to pay - it would be his.

Most tax systems (I'm an international tax adviser) treat gifts as disposals at an undervalue, and tax the giver as if he had instead sold the asset for its market value. The tax liability falls to the person making the disposal, not the recipient.

Plus most tax systems let the giver claim a deduction for the amount they paid for the asset, and an allowance to reflect inflation over the time he held the asset. There are often other reliefs for certain assets like property too.

So imagine that your P gifts you a house worth 300, that he paid 200 for it and that the allowance for inflation is 25. In that circumstance, even assuming no other reliefs, then his deemed gain would be 300-200-25= 75. He would pay tax on the 75, not the full 300.

And, from your perspective, if and when you sell the house, you get to deduction the market value 300 from your profits (which may not be the case if it's deemed to have transferred to you tax-free from a spouse).

You really, really need to get tax advice specific to your jurisdiction - because I think he's still trying to screw you over.

Bluetoo1 · 11/04/2018 12:48

You have everything to lose. Get tax advice and relationship advice ie marry or no, he might string you a long for months then leave for younger tennis friend. Is he getting solicitor's advice then stringing you along on false info.

Just get proper advice.

blaaake · 11/04/2018 12:52

I would marry him and stay married for over 2 years so that it is no longer classed as a short marriage in the courts, and then you'd be able to get half of everything.

Magpiemagpie · 11/04/2018 12:52

Maybe I'm being stupid but if he won't marry you what woud you get legally
If your name isn't on the mortage deeds then you won't get the house , same for business as I'm assuming it's all his and in his name
There is no such thing as common law wife in the UK so basically you are really relying on him being a decent bloke

Do you only have his word that he will give it to you
( as his word is worth about as much a a piece of shit )

How are you going to ensure that he keeps his word he isn't honourable man because you have already caught him fucking about or trying to

Personally I think he's agreed to marry you to keep you quiet while he figures out how he can walk away without paying you a penny

There is no way that he is going to do the right thing and marry you so that you can walk away with 50 percent possibly more of his assets and as your not married they are his assets . He would have to be a total idiot to do that and seeing as he hasn't been an idiot so far - ie you ran his business , brought up and paid for everything for both your kids I would say he is pretty bloody smart

And any solicitor worth his money will tell him that he would be nuts to marry you at this point

Bloomed · 11/04/2018 12:58

If you do want to marry him you can tell people and you can organise it.

Magpiemagpie · 11/04/2018 13:01

Also not sure how old your kids are but I think you would probably only get 25 percent of his earnings for Child support for 3 kids
You would be unlikely to get any spousal support for yourself as you have been working so self sufficent .
Also if he is self employed as he owns his own business he can basically manipulate his earnings so that he pays you SFA in child support if he has a good accountant .

I would imagine that these are the sort of discussions he his having with his solicitor not how he can be fair to you and the kids and give you 50 percent

Notonthestairs · 11/04/2018 13:08

Please get family and tax law advice now. You need to protect your long term future. What if you are ill and can't work? What about pension pots etc. You must plan ahead. You need proper advice tailored to your circumstances.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 11/04/2018 13:11

Marry the wanker! Not many times you get to say that on MN! :)

Original poster

desperatesux · 11/04/2018 13:12

All I want is the house and the pension infusion. I have offered to sign a prenup
I just don't know. I wouldn't think he would screw me but I didn't think in a million years he would give a 23 year old in a shop his card and offer to bring her to his club to play tennis. But apparently it was all about the tennis as she had been a college player
Its the delay in Ireland .. we have to wait over three months so I can't call his bluff. He still needs me in work but maybe not so much in 4 months.
I have spoken to a solicitor and tax advisor and both have said I need to get married. He can't walk away with giving me nothing as there is a co habating legislation in Ireland and he has put in writing (although via text) that he will give me the house/pension so if it goes to court he would find it hard to wriggle out of. Plus I would be extremely popular with our clients (even given my lesser standing) he would find it extremely difficult if it became public that he had screwed me over, I expect a lot would leave or think about it so

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 11/04/2018 13:22

Op would you be able to set up your own company and be a competitor?

Cricrichan · 11/04/2018 13:23

What happens in 4 months that he won't need you in work? Please bear in mind that he has been very calculating keeping everything from you whilst you give everything to him. It sounds more like he's keeping you sweet for a few more months.

TinyPawz · 11/04/2018 13:24

Get your backside and his to the registry office. It's one of those lie back and think or Ireland moments. Your and your children's financial security depend on it. Then you can assess whether or not to keep plugging away and hoping for change or to get out with what you are owed.

MadisonMontgomery · 11/04/2018 13:28

Marry him. Right now you only have his word that he’s going to give you the money - and I don’t get the impression that his word is worth much.

Namechange128 · 11/04/2018 13:32

Marry him. Don't wait 3-4 months for him to change his mind, book a slot at a registry office, invite your parents along and make it a surprise elopement. If all works out, so much the better! If he is in fact the tosser he seems, you will be SO much better protected.

AmygdalaeOnFire · 11/04/2018 13:47

Marry him.

My friend in a similar (not same) situation didn't and after 18 years she's actually ended up with close to nothing, whilst he owns about 8 large properties plus the rest. It makes dealing with her current life much more difficult knowing how it could have been.

Definitely, definitely get the papers done (marry).

Slyvestersmouth · 11/04/2018 13:47

Seeing as he has messed you around so much after all those years together, if he's saying he'll get married to make the house transfer tax free, I'd go for it. Wait out the 3 months as hard as it may be. Get married, get your house, and then get away. It's a business deal. And someone upthread mentioned could you start your own competitor company. Once you have your house sorted, if that's a possibility, it sounds like a plan to me.

Just see the next 3 months (or was it 4), as a step forward in moving on with your life. The marriage will guarantee you security and tbh from how you've described him I don't think he'd necessarily give you anything if he wasn't legally obliged to so marriage really sounds like the most sensible option. You've put years into this relationship and the business, don't walk away now and chance yourself ending up with nothing.

8SaltandVinegar · 11/04/2018 13:51

Pretend every is just dandy, but have yourself and DC protected.

I remember your original post. He sounds like a chancer.

Original poster

desperatesux · 11/04/2018 13:52

He can't in Ireland get away with paying nothing but I agree I might get v little
Mind is made up, I will marry but I can't do it now, legally we have to wait 3 months after registering for marriage and I can't do that until next week so I am looking at August at best
Thanks for all the advise, I can't believe I was so blind and blinkered & Stupid for so long.

OP posts:

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