Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

[desperatesux]

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

Good luck!

good luck OP.. I hope he goes through with it..

Don't marry him. You don't want to neither does he. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper or key to a bank vault. Marrying for the wrong reasons just makes a mockery of it. If you want to be with him see a solicitor and get yourself some shares in his business that you helped build. If the house is mortgage free get him to sign the deeds over to you. Get him to start paying for the kids' things and childcare and then decide what it is you actually WANT. Good luck x

Marry him... it ensures you receive and protect what you have built up together

The sad thing is I still want to marry him, I still love him. It’s like I’ve woken up and realised I love him and he’s woken up and realised the opposite. It’s a funny thing, people always want what they can’t have and he was far more interested and loved me far more when I loved him less and was less interested. I still can’t get over sun glssses shop girl, he won’t give me anything in it, even if he acknowledged it was inappropriate I could move on but sticking to the all about tennis story which is infuriating!! Time will tell.. I’ll go though with it as we are not married he can’t give me anything without it being subject to 33% gift tax

But seriously, FAKE IT

Sometimes, you've gotta do what you've gotta do

Girl, act your bloody socks off.

Maybe God has given you this loved up shit to get you through the 3 months. I do hope so.

I disagree with marrying him. Do you want your children to think it's ok to marry for money then split shortly after? It's not the view of marriage I'd want for them and makes a mockery of the vows.

Pay the tax and take the asset and split with dignity and respect for the children.

Marry Him

So an update, we married a few days ago so the deed is done. He got into the swing of it in the last few months as his mother (who he adores) was SO EXCITED about it so once she knew there was no backing out. Things are actually so much better between us and he is being far more generous and attentive than he has been in years. Maybe he feels he pushed me too far I don't know. With all the stress I lost a lot of weight so subsequently had never looked better...
I think we can make a go of it, i will find it hard to move past how he treated me when he knew he could get away with it as I was desperate for financial security but I'll give it a go

Thanks again for all you advice and support !

I think congratulations is in order

I'm happy for you OP. You have more than earned the right to be financially secure and I hope he loves and supports you the way you deserve too.

Thank you so much, not sure I would have kept it together without the advice of all the wise women on this site !

Marry him

You absolutely did the right thing.

The laws of this land are ridiculous sometimes. You have had to do this just for protection, which you should have anyway after so many years together.

Wise decision OP, at least if it did turn to shit you would have way more protection, I am in a similar position business wise etc, except we arent rich and are married

Now plan your exit.

I didn’t see your thread at the time but have just sped through now. I think you did the right thing. Congratulations and every good wish that you do manage to have a happy marriage

Perhaps the validation of his mother has helped?

Now you both have a new kick start in your relationship, it's down to both of you to make it work.

Don't let him off the hook, he knows you know what he's done to you over the years and now you are wise and protected, you both either work with each other or you call it a day.

Perhaps having the security for HIM being married to you helps HIM feel more connected too?

I wish you both all the best for the future and hope that this has shown you both what you mean to each other

Congratulations :D

Marry him then scarper, set up your own business and take as many clients as you can get your hands on.

Thank you for coming back to update us. I’m so glad you got married and have more financial security now. Good luck to you, whatever you end up doing.

Yea I bet he's treating you better now that your married...He would have so much to loose if you dumped him

Congrats OP!

Get married in another country where you don't have to wait so long. Make it seem really romantic.
Then return to Ireland, divorce and set up your own business.
Time to get smart, OP.

Marry him and then cancel the cheque

Seriously, congratulations and all the best for a happy future.

Sorry, just saw the updates!!!
Now divorce and start own biz.