Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

[desperatesux]

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

Just marry him OP. This isn't the time to think of romance or ethics or what's morally right (according to who, anyway?) so bloody what. Life is not a storybook. Go get what you're owed. He's very warm financially due to all your hard work, in your shoes I'd be at Register Office sooner rather than later I wouldn't be spending precious time faffing round seeking legal advice. At least he's not abandoning you as opposed to marrying you.

You need to get to Gretna Green or Vegas asap. My mum's second wedding was in Gretna, it was fab!

Book a surprise break for the two of you to Vegas and get married. ( get him tipsy first if he's dicking around and being hesitant! ). We got married after 18 years, so the tax man couldn't profit if either my partner or I died. There's lots of reasons to get married beside love. Start seeing it as an administrative procedure that you need to achieve as soon a possible to get a fair deal and secure your future financially.

I have been thinking about this thread. You say you don’t get why he would be so depressed about marrying you.

I agree this is surprising after 18 years living together, children together and your input into the successful business. Have you asked him why he finds the idea so depressing? Particularly if he says he loves you. If he loves you, why is he saying you can have the house and he keeps the millions?

Have you (personally) spoken to a lawyer independently or just an accountant?

I have got legal & tax advice. Both said get married. Its the only way he can give me the financial security I need. Anything else incurs a huge tax bill
Legally he can't get away with giving me nothing if we break up, I would get between 25-33% which is what the house ( but I would have to pay a third on this) would give me on the lower side as it is worth a lot. Probably a bit less but I can cope with that.
I think he is depressed at the thought as we are no longer loves young dream and while he loves me it is probably an abstract feeling. He loves me maybe 20% of the time we things are great and could take me or leave me the other 50% of the time and dislikes me when we are fighting.
Marriage to him probably feels wrong as while he cares enough to stay and not break up his family, his easy life he doesn't love me enough to make that kind of public commitment

Ok, so do it merely as a contract.

Hope you can work things out.

glad you sought legal guidance OP....

Thanks so much for all the support and advice, its deeply appreciated

You deserve financial security for what you worked to achieve together.. and if getting married is the only way of achieving this .. then you do it Lady.. it's unfortunate the Law doesn't have much flexibility when it comes to such things.. so you're left with few options... but it's not for long and you'll have your beloved house thereafter..

Ah, I remember your original post. Sunglasses shop?

Look the only reason marriage is on the table is financial. You know that. Your post reads that you know that but you want him to marry for love, for him to be happy about it, for him to tell everyone. He's not going to do that.

So saying "well if he won't marry me for love, what's the point" isn't sensible. The original financial reason remains.

So marry him. Stop thinking of love and romance and think of it as a financial transaction to protect you and the kids. It's hard I know. But that's the way it is. I'm sorry.

Marry him. Leave it for a bit. Get a good lawyer, divorce him and get what you are entitled to.

In the meantime start doing things for you, to enrich your life, to build your confidence. Invest in your physical and mental health. Start getting the joy back.

Can you join him in Vegas and get married there OP?

Is that a feasible thing?

Now it's just to be seen whether he will marry me or not. We had a fight yesterday (hence why I need to keep my trap shut) and he is already making noises about not going through with it.
We have an appointment to register next week and after that can marry within 3 months so I will know one way or the other by then.

I would delete this to be on the safe side too OP

yes i agree ... delete the thread

My DM has just been through something similar with her ex.

He asked her to marry him after their child (my half-sis) was born, a year after they met. She agreed, he bought the big lavish ring with the big rock etc. He set up a business, something DM supported him with and made lots of personal sacrifices so he could do it.

However, neither of them would plan or organise the wedding. He wouldn't because "it's the woman's job" and she wouldn't because she didn't like being treated in such a sexist manner. Then both took it that it also meant the other wasn't really interested in marriage and didn't really love them after all.

Arguments started, resentment set in. They ended up with 2 decades of bitterness and to-ing and fro-ing with "yes, we ARE getting married after all!" and "nope, it's all been called off again".

It eventually led to separate bedrooms and continuous toxicity. It was horrific being in their company. The tension in the air, the constant passive-aggressive comments and dirty looks at each other. But neither would end it because of the financial implications. She knew she hadnt married him and her nane was on fuck-all. He knew he'd be stung child-maintenance and having to keep a roof over his daughters head (and by proxy, DMs head). It would cost him a fortune until their daughter turned 18.

But ghen, my half-sis did turn 18... and BAM, he left DM. Literally just packed his bags one day and walked out. Left her right in the shit and he stopped paying for everything.

My DM, after living a privileged life in terms of what money can buy (definitely not in terms of love or happiness!) - the big house, the high end cars, the nice clothes and holidays etc, had never had to work, has now found herself penniless.

She now struggles to make ends meet with 2 part time minimum wage cleaning jobs. The big house was sold and she had to move into small social housing. She can't afford to carpet it yet, she couldn't even afford to put money on the pre-pay electric & gas meters when she first moved in, 18 year old sis has had to quit college and go full time with her little weekend shop job to help DM. DM is broke and so depressed she's hit the bottle and keeps talking about suicide.

Her ex is now shacked up with another woman living it up.

But if DM had just married him, instead of using 'calling the wedding off' as ammunition in arguments she wouldn't be where she is right now.

Sometimes, you've gotta do what you've gotta do, even if it feels like shit. And marrying someone who has made you feel this way will feel like shit... But you MUST do it. Don't let pride get in the way.

The bloke seems to have agreed to it on account of the tax / see it as a contract thing. The complaint seems to be he’s not enthusiastic enough even though to me it seems like there’s no love coming from either direction

I hope you’re not paying your solicitor much.
www.courts.ie/Courts.ie/Library3.nsf/PageCurrent/4BA6C2E1FB400C1480257FB5004E9A5C?opendocument&l=en

Done in dolphin house every week. No big deal. Simple application - doesn’t even require legal advice or representation. Completely informal. Normally people there who’ve just forgotten to get their paperwork in order. Get proof of children etc and you won’t have any problem. I’m very familiar with the process. I’ve seen people get the registration for weddings same day.
Get a cancellation in any registry office and you’ll be married in 2 weeks if you want to be.

www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/1995/act/26/section/33/enacted/en/html#sec33

Op, I have been thinking about this thread today, so apologies for chipping in late.

I d thing that really isn't clear: is the company wealthy or is he personally? Who owns the company? Are there directors and shareholders? Are you one (I suspect not)? Are you an employee? Do you have a full history of employment and prsi payments/contributions? Is it a limited liability company or some trader set-up? You refer to him having acquired assets - are they his, or the company's?

I am just concerned that the value of the business, of which you are an employee (I assume), is of no relevance to your own personal entitlement, marriage or not.

I can't see any reference to this in the thread.

The company setup may mean this 'wealth' is ring-fenced and not a marital asset (if you were married). If, on the other hand, he cashes out profits/dividends, and this is his personal wealth, that is a different picture.

Just looking at it as an employee/employee relationship: you creating 70% of profit in one business division (for example) is not really an issue if your job is sales/business development, and you are remunerated for same.

I think you need to look at this carefully. Say you do get married (as many, many posters have advised), and you discover that his personal wealth is a a modest salary from the company, and the articles of the company protect that wealth, where are you then?

You know when people say “I’ve known several couples who lived together for years then when they finally married, they divorced shortly after”? (Often said as an anti marriage anecdote.) I reckon a LOT of those couples are in situations like your own. Not necessarily financials, even, but wanting to tidy things up one way or the other before splitting.

Be as hard headed as he has been.

What would you tell a friend to do?

Good god marry him, no one would judge you here for it.

So an update, we did the pre marriage regristration thing and have told kids and my family. He hasn’t told anyone yet but mentioned to his mother we were looking at it as he needed his birth cert and thought she had it. Think he is going to confirm with them this weekend as we have a date for the end of August. He doesn’t seem overly happy about it but could be work stress but will just have to wait and see. It will be hard to wriggle out of now the kids know. I had suggested just doing in a place sooner that didn’t require a three month wait but he was having none of it !