Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting married but he doesn't really want to marry me

207 replies

desperatesux · 11/04/2018 10:28

I have been with my partner for 18 years, 3 children. We work together in the business he owns which I work in. For about 15 years I was the person who made about 70% of the profit for the company and it would have evaporated if I left. I only stayed because of him and I thought we were building something together and I was offered jobs left right and centre for years. I stayed because of him and the company wouldn't have survived if I hadn't or at least not been nearly as successful. The end result is he is very rich and I have very little. I was paid well but not as well as I would have been elsewhere and while his money has gone towards building assests, mine has been towards kids clothes, holidays, childminder, things I have nothing to show for!

At xmas I discovered he was bringing a 24 year old stunner to his club for tennis that he had met in an airport shop. it completely unnerved me (he is 50 but looks 40) and I suddenly realized how vulernable and stupid I had been. I don't think anything happened but probably more to do with her than him. Anyway he agreed to give me the house and a large pension infusion. Our relationship hadn't been great for years, working together, teens etc so we both saw it as a wake up call. Anyway it was discussed and basically the only way to do it tax free would be to get married. He agreed, although seems so unhappy about it I am wondering why I would want to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry me. He hasn't told anyone. My mother gave me a ring and he has taken no steps to organize anything. I would only be marrying him for the money. If I left I would get about the same amount he is giving me through the courts but it would be taxed and I would have to sell the house. My friends/family think I should keep my mouth shut until we are married and go from there but I'm not sure I can. He seems to love having me over a barrel and has suddenly realized how much power he has and I suspect feels that what is my incentive to be nice to him and do his bidding when we are married and I have equal financial footing.
He doesn't see this as our money but his despite the fact I made most of it for him. I know how stupid I have been but I was always the better catch yet now it seems he is

OP posts:
Joboy · 24/08/2018 13:25

Congat .

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2018 13:29

Congratulations on your marriage AND on taking steps to secure your financial future. I wish you the very best and hope that things continue as they are now.

But please don't let your guard down. If your name is not on everything, it needs to be. And wills need to be written/rewritten now too.

Original poster
desperatesux · 24/08/2018 13:36

He has a large life assurance with me named and also I am the sole beneficiary in his will. I will ask him to transfer the house to me once the dust settles
I don't think I will ever have my guard down again to be honest. We are getting on v v well but I also know that in 5 years when I have lost my looks he will start probably looking around for casual ego boosts. I don't think he would actually make a move, but he has shown he would put himself in a position where someone could on him. At least now I am financially secure and if he does do this I am gone and won't look back. Kids will be older then too. its up to him

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 24/08/2018 13:44

sounds like the best way to protect yourself financially is to get married. I agree its a bit depressing though.

Juells · 24/08/2018 13:52

Ah, hadn't seen the post where you said you got married. Should have RTFT. Delighted for you, and hope it all works out well. At least you have security now - not to be sniffed at!

SandyY2K · 24/08/2018 14:42

Why will you lose your looks in 5 years? If you look great now, no reason not to look good in 5 years.

Look after yourself, treat yourself to massages...spas...and keep active. Remember to relax and always reserve some 'me' time.

Your kids are older and don't need you there every minute...so make the most of it.

Another thing...if you haven't already...get a hobby/interest out of the house. It keeps the mind active and gives an opportunity to meet new people. Do not let your life revolve around him.

You're more than a mother and a wife.

inshockrightnow · 24/08/2018 14:45

You feel he has done wrong by you. Marry him and get what you deserve. Don't let him continue toscrew you over. Plaster a smile on your face and set up your future x

safetyfreak · 24/08/2018 15:04

Just read the whole thread, so happy you married him! You have protected yourself financially. Hope your marriage works out but least thats a weight of your mind.

MeMyselfand · 24/08/2018 15:10

Just read the thread for the first time. Glad to hear you married him, now you have him over a barrel and it sounds like he needs to be in that position so he doesn't mess you around

Billben · 24/08/2018 15:49

But aren't you considered his common law wife?

There is no such thing as a common law wife.

Register your intent to marry asap. A prenuptial agreement will not stand in amy court here.

*Pretend every is just dandy, but have yourself and DC protected.

I remember your original post. He sounds like a chancer.*

Definitely do this.

However hard it is, keep up the pretence. You don’t even have to have a wedding or tell people. It’s just a business arrangement now.
If he had the chance to walk away with everything he hasn’t earned off you, believe me he would.

Billben · 24/08/2018 15:50

Oops, I was too wound up to read the whole thread before replying. Glad you’ve married him.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2018 18:48

"I don't think I will ever have my guard down again..."

I hear you. And it's hard to live that way even by choice, but sometimes it's necessary.

May I also suggest that, if you haven't, you start a 'fuck off fund'? This is money saved in your own name that he knows nothing about. Money that you can use to fund yourself if it goes tits up or you decide he's no longer worth putting up with. Even in 'joint finances' situations people can still play fast and loose with money, clean out accounts, stop deposits and paying bills, etc. Yes, it usually gets worked out in court but you don't want to be caught short. He's already shown that he doesn't consider you a 'full partner' and I don't think that attitude has changed because you're now his wife.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 25/08/2018 09:06

OP is Irish and the situation seems to differ there billben, but someone always seems to pop up in these threads with the common law wife line or similar. I doubt most of the people doing the common law spouse, automatic assets after 5 years or whatever dance are doing so on the basis of a good level of understanding of a non-UK legal system!

bastardkitty · 25/08/2018 09:19

I'm glad you got married. If and when it goes tits up, forget the house and pension and take half of everything you have built together. I don't think you will ever forgive him for how he's behaved towards you. Yoi sound lovely and I hope you will pursue your own happiness x

ohamIreally · 25/08/2018 09:59

Just read this for the first time. Congratulations OP I hope this is the start of a good equitable life for you.

I do think this should serve as a warning however to those people who long term cohabit. I've seen it over and over described on here where women are not protecting themselves financially (that includes neglecting careers in favour of performing unpaid childcare whilst men build up their careers and earning potential).

I was grateful for the formality of divorce when my relationship ended, not just the financial protection but that there was a formal severance of the partnership and ex wasn't permitted to simply erase me from his life however much he may have wished to.

bastardkitty · 25/08/2018 10:16

Important to remember that not all cohabiting women are with a better off partner. My ex cancelled his pension and drank the extra money. When I left him it was only the fact that we weren't married that kept my pension safe.

ElspethFlashman · 25/08/2018 10:22

Well done.

I'd say he will want to keep married now. In losing you, he will lose 50% of everything.

He would be an utter fool to flirt with 24 year olds again. If he has any brains, he knows it.

But at least now you're protected for life regardless. You did the right thing.

thethoughtfox · 25/08/2018 10:23

This is a legal contract to give you rights see it like that.

Original poster
desperatesux · 25/08/2018 14:20

I have some savings and I have stopped paying for a lot of things. We went on holidays to the same place as last year, my accounts had been stopped the day before as they were skimmed so I had no money so he had to pay for everything. He couldn't believe how expensive the place was but I was like same as last year, just that I was paying for 99% of things. Things like going out for dinner I always paid, now not so much.

I can't believe how naive/stupid I was and I thank my lucky stars I found out about miss stunning as if I didn't I don't think I would have pushed marriage and then in 5 years once the kids were older and I look past my sell by date I would get the uncomfortable I love you but am not in love with you conversation.

I don't think I will ever get over how he treated me while had all the "power". I was no saint during our relationship but I don't think I would have ever taken advantage of him when he was on his knees, there is something so distasteful about it and shows deep down who he really is. I don't think he is a bad guy just not a very good one. But we have a good life, get on and the kids are happy and I have zero interest in meeting someone else.

OP posts:
toldmywrath · 25/08/2018 14:42

Congratulations OP. I've just read through in one sitting.
You mentioned that you are the sole beneficiary in his will. When a person marries they are supposed to make a new will, I hope this is the case.
Good luck with everything.

Gemini69 · 25/08/2018 15:02

Congratulations my lovely.. I'm so very happy for you and I'm glad you said I DO ... go forth and prosper Flowers

Knittedfairies · 25/08/2018 15:40

Congratulations OP. I hope everything works out well for you💐

ohamIreally · 25/08/2018 16:57

I'm not surprised you can't get over it. The fact that he has over 12 million in the bank and you were paying for everything is astounding.

ZoeRose81 · 25/08/2018 19:35

It’s a weird and shitty situation to find yourself in, but it really doesn’t sound like either of you have given up on the relationship. Am I alone in thinking your fiancé (?) has at least demonstrated care and concern for your financial security? I bet plenty of men would have been laughing right now. I think you should get married; not just because of the money, but because you might find that it either pushes you to re-commit and renew a tired-sounding relationship OR enable you to finalise your feelings and move on from the relationship with the clean ending of an amicable divorce. Both options sound healthier long term than a relationship ‘limbo’

Good luck

RandomMess · 25/08/2018 20:13

Perhaps he is now more invested, perhaps he's over his mid life crises, perhaps he has decided that this is it and to jump in with 2 feet and make the most of it!

I hope so because you both deserve to be happy and he had probably forgotten that being with you can make him happy Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread