Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

311 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 10:47

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 04/04/2018 10:52

no in fact it makes my soul blossom...:)
I will tell you what is 'soul destroying' and that is living with someone who wants to control every aspect of your life and expects you to be their live in servant.
Honestly, it might happen...or it might not..but it is not everything in life, far from it.
Could you find a happy medium between dating and 'isolation'?
Classes, voluntary work, a wider circle of friends and aquaintances, so you could dwell less on 'finding the one' and more on yourself, friends, and having some fun.

Detanglingmyhead · 04/04/2018 10:54

Well if it makes you feel any better I found being in a relationship soul destroying (twice!) so I guess it depends on whether you want to leave yourself vulnerable to that?

I'm newly single and was saying to my friend I feel more 'me' when I'm single. Maybe I'd feel differently in a decade? In the 2 weeks I've been single I've had two people ask me for a drink and I find men's attitude towards you when they find out you are single pretty disgusting. They are like sharks round a lump of raw meat and I find that in itself soul destroying!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 10:55

I work full time in a demanding job and am a single parent so there isn't much free time.

I haven't spent 10 years dwelling on it and life is as full as it can be but it doesn't mean I'm not lonely and it doesn't mean that 3 rough experinces with men in one weekend does not hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 10:56

I'm so sorry but comparing 2 weeks being single to 10 years of being on your own??!!!

No.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 04/04/2018 10:57

Well I’ve been single for 26 years since my DH died when I was 35.
I agree it can be shit, but I think you have to try and be positive and find the good things in it, otherwise your life will be one long miseryfest.
Learn to enjoy your own company, get out and about, make friends, develop your interests, don’t think that you need a partner to make your life complete, or feel that you are some kind of failure for not trapping a man.
There are lots of posts on MN from poor women coping with violent shit husbands, who would love to be in your position. Better no partner than an awful one.
Keep your chin up, find the happiness in what you have, and you will be ready to take or leave future relationships if offered.

DullAndOld · 04/04/2018 10:58

I do know what you mean, I was also a working single parent. There is just no extra time to do the stuff I (unthinkingly) suggested.

Esp when you don't get invited to stuff because every other fucker is in a couple..:(

Does the kids' dad have them ever?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 11:00

Oh goodness. I have lived my life for the last 10 years, of course I have.

But despite doing so it's all on my own. I started a new job, no one else is single, I went out for lunch with a group of new people, no one else is single. It stings a little bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 11:03

The kids dad has them sporadically.

I could get a baby sitter but my experience with dating, so much ghosting happens that i don't want to go to the trouble and expense of a sitter only for it to fall through.

Friends all have young children and are busy with their families and I don't get invited as I'm not a couple.

OP posts:
user1490465531 · 04/04/2018 11:13

Totally get you OP been single a decade as well and had enough.
Tried OLD but also had my fair share of disappointments and sadly men act awful on OLD just because they can.
Want to meet someone but kind of lost faith not sure what the answer is but know how you feel.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/04/2018 11:15

I loved being single. I love being married but I had so much time when I was single. I could read a lot more, I kept the house spotless, I ate whatever I wanted and I did my hobbies. Way less time for that now.

Plus, my husband keeps me up half the night snoring and fidgeting.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 11:27

And did you have children when you were single or are you going back to early 20's bevause being single then when a lot of other people are, is a very different experience to being single with children in your late 30's / early 40's

User, there isn't an answer, I know that so it's just a case of carrying on, getting through it and trying to bury how I feel about the whole thing- until it bites me on the arse again.

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/04/2018 11:30

Jesus, OP, no need to be so arsey with everyone. Take a look at your personality, might be a part of the reason why you’re single.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 11:32

Yes of course- I'm a vile cow.

🤔

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 04/04/2018 11:32

I used to get really lonely and upset when I was single with young children but now I realise it was just desperation to get my last eggs fertelized.
Now I don't give a fuck and have a variety of men phoning me daily. Menopause is fantastic.

user1490465531 · 04/04/2018 11:35

The thing is with married people their quite happy to tell you how great being single is but ask them if they would like to swap places and it's a definite no.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 11:46

I don't want more children and I'm infertile now in any case so it isn't anything like that.

It's literally I am totally bored of my own company. Most nights I go to bed before 9pm because I just can't stand sitting by myself any longer.

Before anyone tells me they would love to have the tv to themselves, it's very different after 10 years of having it to yourself.

If you watch something good there is no one to share that with. Any hobby done in the evening, again feels pointless as there is no one to share that with. On a short term basis it wouldn't be a bad thing but over 10 years, it is.

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 04/04/2018 11:48

tell me about it Quiddichup., your situation is shared by many.
Maybe join the WI and make jam?

user1490465531 · 04/04/2018 11:53

If you don't mind me asking OP how old are you?

Ratbagcatbag · 04/04/2018 11:55

I'm with you.

I've been single a year, yes I know it's a short time but I'm just attempting to dip my toe back in. I've never done dating. The whole world seems to have changed since I last did it (and I'm not that old at 35). All my friends are in couples and have their own lives. My daughter splits her time with me and her dad so I've started new hobbies and I'm loving life, but actually it would be nice to have someone to go for a meal with or share my day with.
I'm like you, I'm not sure on the solution, and I'm finding parts quite difficult too.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 11:57

I did join the wi!
Haha I did it for almost a year but then again I ended up feeling like an outsider as so many conversations revolved around husbands and families and I retreated as I started to feel bad about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 11:58

I'm 40.
I was single all of my 30's

OP posts:
Babdoc · 04/04/2018 11:58

Not all activities happen in couples! There are loads of things you can do as a single. I was widowed with 2 babies still in nappies, and worked as a hospital doctor, but I still enjoyed my book circle, teaching Sunday school, learning to play bridge and going out with the church walking group.
Have a look at what evening classes are on offer in your area, or what local hobby groups or volunteer groups are active. Do you have a sport you enjoy, etc.
To a large extent, life is what you make it.

Ted27 · 04/04/2018 12:02

no I don't and I've been single for a long time, probably over 10 years. I'm 53. Nearly all my friends are couples. I have a 13 year old.

I'm quite happy in my own company, I work part time, my son has some additional needs so I'm kept quite busy. Before I adopted him, I did pretty much what I wanted to do, holidays, going out whatever, only constraints being finances.
Since I adopted I have developed a network of on-line friends who are in a similar position. Sometimes we meet up, most nights there is someone on line to chat to.
I like the life I've built. I can't imagine wanting to disrupt it with another person.

Rudgie47 · 04/04/2018 12:02

I've spent a lot of time by myself over the years and I think what turned things around for me was actually when I stopped giving a damn about it or anything for that that matter.
I think you have to learn to be happy by yourself really and in my experience thats something that just comes with time.
Why dont you go to the sports centre in an evening and do some different classes or the gym?. You will be out and meeting different people and at the very least its a change from the T.V. Take your child/children with you.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 12:12

I think people are miss understanding.

Thank you for posting but I do have things to fill my time and have enjoyed many things over the years.

I've spent the last few years not dating at all and it's been nearly 3 since I had sex, I've very much reached the stage of not looking and not caring.

However, every so often feeling like this rears its ugly head and reminds me that despite holidays or days our or seeing friends, I am still very much on my own.

An hour at a gym doesn't change that. I don't mean to be rude but it doesn't

OP posts: