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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

311 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 10:47

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

OP posts:
rumred · 04/04/2018 12:22

If you see being in a couple as better/more desirable then you will feel shit. Once you change your perspective and accept happiness is entirely in your own hands life feels better. Easier said than done but quite possible
I'm me first amd foremost. I've had relationships and don't rule more out but I'm content being single despite all the social pressure to couple up

user1490465531 · 04/04/2018 12:26

I know online dating can be soul destroying but I think at our age and I'm 39 so basically the same age as you it is the main option to meet someone.
In your 20s it's easier to meet men when your out and about but 30s it doesn't happen like that.
Despite some crap OLD experiences I'm just perservering with it in the hope I'll eventually meet someone decent.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 12:26

I don't see being single as more desirable.

I've been on my own for 10 whole years, I am bloody lonely.

This isn't solved by seeing friends or any hobby. It's not solved by seeing family or times with my children.

I want someone to give a shit about me. For me to give a shit about. To share life with. I want a hug, some kind of human contact that means something.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 04/04/2018 12:33

Do you have local friends? I find that single mums often find each other but I also have a good friend who is happily married.We all meet up regularly, hosting at each others houses so that the dc can play/game etc and no need for sitters.

I think 40 can be an age when you evaluate your life anyway, irrespective of partner status.Also perhaps single men are at a different stage at 40, either settled down or wanting to settle down.

I think if you focus on building friends you will feel happier, irrespective if their gender.
Life can be wonderful when single and I have been in 2 serious relationships and single.Definitely happier single than bad relationship.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 12:39

I do have local friends but on the weekends trying to get anyone to do anything is like pulling teeth.

Occasionally I try but then give up again as again it doesn't feel good to keep asking and keep getting rejected. So I just go do my own thing by myself, which is fine and all, but still just by myself.

OP posts:
user1471530109 · 04/04/2018 12:39

OP, I get it. I really do.

I've been single only 5 years now. I work full time in a demanding job and have 2 primary age DC. I have relocated recently and trying to push myself to get involved locally. I'm even considering going to church in case I meet someone there!

I'm desperately lonely. And I agree, it's a different type of loneliness. I've been toying with the idea of going back to OLD but feel I need to sort myself out first.

Flowers I get it.

user1490465531 · 04/04/2018 12:39

Despite the helpful responses I think people are missing the point.
OP is not happy being single she's had ten years of getting fullfilment from family and friends you can't have sex with a friend can you? you can't get the same emotional connection from family as you can from a partner.
I think people are missing the point.

endofacentury · 04/04/2018 12:41

I totally get you op. I've been single pretty much for 14 years bar a 6 month relationship years ago. I long to be in a loving relationship again but have 2 kids, one has no contact with their father, and I have very little child care. That what I do I use to work evenings and weekends as I study in the week. I feel so embarrassed that I have been single for so long. Everywhere I go I feel the odd one out, and I have ended up in a fwb situation for years with someone who I care about but does not want a relationship with me as I need the physical contact Blush and I am trapped in a cycle of not being able to meet anyone else, no child care and dwindling self esteem. I am so busy but that doesn't make up for not having someone to share the ups and downs of life with or someone who actually cares about you. It just doesn't. I hear you 💗

Oneapenny · 04/04/2018 12:43

I get you op. Doing an evening class is going to make very little difference if you are feeling lonely having been single for ten years.

I am starting to worry about finances in my advancing age. It is much easier to survive as a couple in retirement when you are sharing costs. Life is not geared up for single people.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/04/2018 12:43

user it really depends. I’ve had shitty relationships with no fulfillment and amazing intense friendships.

all I know is when you get all bitter and mopy about shit, then your life tends to remain shitty. Being single isn’t so bad. Being married seems pretty shit for 90% of people. Life’s what you make of it.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 12:50

I'm not bitter.

This weekend I'm just fed up.

No one would have any clue as I don't talk about this in real life, I've tried touching on it but people don't want to hear it. So I just myself and get on with it.

And when I do try, social groups, friends, dating, it's just so awfully shitty that it feels worse than when I didn't try ( if that makes any sense)

I am hugely worried about finances as I get older too.

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 04/04/2018 12:50

Why not take the plunge,get dressed up(good for self confidence),get your hair done,or whatever floats your boat Smile go out,to some nice bars,with friends....see if you bump in to anyone. What you got to lose?

missmouse101 · 04/04/2018 12:52

I'd dearly love to be single and free. You are so lucky.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 12:56

bexter, finding anyone to do that sort of thing with is almost an impossibility. Married friends will not leave their husbands and are not friendly to other men when out.

I can of course go round for dinner and have a laugh which is lovely but leaves me in the same boat.

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 04/04/2018 13:02

That's a little unfair of your friends,but their not the ones that want to be friendly with men,when outSmile,doesn't have to stop you

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 13:12

No but the awkwardness of the situation stops anything in its tracks.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 04/04/2018 13:15

not helpful missmouse - if you are in an unhappy relationship why don't you leave it.

I don't think I've misunderstood. I have been single a long time. I can't say that in all that time I've never felt a bit lonely, never felt a bit sad coming home to an empty house, never wished there was someone to make me a cup of tea. The worst times are if you are unwell - I was very poorly last year for a couple of months and yes it was rubbish.

But on balance I'm quite happy with my life. I think I'm at a point where what I'd have to sacrifice to be in a relationship isnt worth it. If I were to meet someone now, I can't envisage a conventional living together arrangement.
You can have highs and lows in a relationship too. There is an element of the grass is greener whether you are single or in a couple.

I think its fine to have a wallow occassionally, whatever your circumstances, as long as it doesnt take over.

ravenmum · 04/04/2018 13:16

Late 30s is quite a bit different to late 40s, I'd say - I'm the latter and in the last few years a lot of marriages have broken down, children have grown up and I do come across quite a few other people (albeit mostly women) who want to go out without a partner.

I know what you mean about it being harder going out and trying to connect with people, and feeling easier to stay at home. It seems like everyone else has a firm circle of friends and family (things that a partner also brings with him), and you are still having to try much harder. On the other hand, I was married a long time before my second adolescence came, and looking back I am quite sorry that I just stayed in that same circle, and didn't try harder to connect with new people. You do come across new ideas, it's interesting.

Bexter801 · 04/04/2018 13:16

Then explain to your friends,maybe they'll lighten up....even make more of an effort to go out. If your feeling this strong about it,your friends should want to help your situation..

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 04/04/2018 13:25

I totally get how you feel OP. This is why so many people stay in unsuitable relationships.

OLD was a mainly positive experience for me, but only by hiding and being very choosy about who I got into conversations with. You hear such horror stories and once you’ve experienced that shit over and over it’s not surprising you become jaded and cynical about the whole thing. I’m sure there are still some hidden gems but trawling through all the crap to find them is soul destroying.

I’ve recently become single again and it’s so hard getting friends to come out when they have husbands, kids and jobs to keep them occcupied. They just don’t have the same drive to want to go out. I’ve taken to going to the cinema by myself and was planning a holiday on my own later in the year (walking or painting etc to give it a focus), but feel so sad that I won’t have anyone to talk about it with, get excited about it, plan activities etc. Yes I may meet someone but in my experience, it always ends up being older people at these things and unless you’re ready to date a geriatric it’s not going to be ideal dating grounds.

I don’t know what the answer is Quiddich, but you have my sympathies CakeBrew

lynmilne65 · 04/04/2018 13:27

3 in a weekend ShockShockShock

ravenmum · 04/04/2018 13:33

Having dated for a few years, 3 in a weekend did not even raise my eyebrows.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/04/2018 14:30

I've only been on my own for a year (widowed) but I'm incredibly lonely.

I've have also (and am still) living with the grief of the situation which doesn't help, as I haven't the energy or enthusiasm to do all the things I will need to do to start properly living life again. And to be honest I've never really wanted to do those things anyway, I am most definitely not a life and soul of the party type.

It's the someone to share life and caring with that I miss dreadfully, both in specific terms of my husband and general terms of a non-specific someone.

I've just joined a local bridge club, and loved it - really energised at the first meeting. And I cried driving home because I just wanted to tell John all about it.

I was single for a few years in my mid to late thirties but at that stage I think my kids were more consuming and I saw friends more with the small children. Now all my friends are much more embedded in their family life than they were 7 or 8 years ago, despite the children being older and more independent. Plus lots of having to play taxi etc.

So yes I can join groups and do things - although I want to find things I actually want to do rather than am doing for the sake of it, but I'm still comong home to an empty house afterwards and it totally and utterly sucks.

I'm sure that being single is better than being in an abusive relationship, but that's not what it is being compared to, as surely no one would purposefully and actively chose an abusive relationship from the outset.
So I'm comparing it to the loving, mutually supportive, sexually active and really enjoyable relationship I was part of before late-DH was diagnosed with cancer just under two years ago.

I totally get the loneliness.

inthegarage · 04/04/2018 14:34

It sounds to me like you're missing the intimacy that comes with a relationship, both physical and emotional. I get that.
If you want a positive suggestion, I'd second the people who said joining new group activity, e.g. cycling, hillwalking, book clubs, etc, something you really enjoy. Even if only to network a bit and increase your chances of meeting like-minded people. It does take time though. Good luck

ravenmum · 04/04/2018 14:57

Like you, OP, I am doing all that friend-finding stuff already (not sure OP actually needs advice on that?! She says she is fed up with doing it, why advise her to do it more?) ... I'm not quite ready for a serious relationship yet, but in the end, yes, it would be nice to have someone who loves you.