Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

[Quiddichcup]

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

It's shit isn't it OP. When my marriage ended I was full of optimism that I would find someone nice through OLD. Haha. Soul destroying is the word for it. It has not done much for my faith in humanity.
I am permanently shattered, now I am a full time single parent to 3 kids with a full time job that I commute to, no domestic help and no family nearby. The buck stops with me for everything. There's no one to share the ups and downs of the day with. It's crap.

Oh god, and the holidays on your own with kids!! I've never felt so alone

Mrbob, you have nailed it there. Absolutely nailed it.

I hate it when people say at birthdays " I hope you have been spolied " er nope.... I buy my own presents and take myself out to dinner and pretend I don't really like birthdays etc because it is so bloody painful.

I'm not actually 40 till later in the year. I am organising my own celebration because I have no one to do it for me, no one who cares and no one who knows me even slightly enough to know what I would want to do anyway. It's a shame because I am worth knowing.

I was wondering when "get a dog" would get trotted out.

You can't have conversation with a dog. A dog can't make you breakfast in bed on your birthday. You can't be intimate with a dog.

My dog totally failed to pull a hot man for me on any of the many many many hours of walks we did.

Useless. Good job I loved him 😉

Let's hope not, shatnerswig

Oh and then there are the "so what plans do you have for Easter ? " etc - well fuck all actually unless it involves myself ..

Shatners I think you can technically be intimate with a dog. I would rather not though

Quiddich I don't think I even acknowledge to MYSELF that I care about birthdays etc. Because if I did then I would have to acknowledge the implications... Luckily I have several friends in my position so I tend to at least have one person who is free and able to come out at some point vaguely near my birthday when our shifts align.

I had a very brief relationship with someone recently and it felt like being able to breathe again for those few weeks when I had someone to go and do romantic things with without even having to question it. Shame he turned out to be another emotionally unavailable one but it just reminded me how nice it was for normal every day things were so much more lovely when you were with someone you cared about- walks on the beach, coffee, dinner, picnics. It is fun with friends but just DIFFERENT with someone you love

Op, I know how you feel. I was 13 years and my kids had all flown the nest. For several years, I ran round like a teenager, never declining an invitation, having a great time but when I got home, it was just me. I had peaks and troughs of emotions about it all throughout that time. Sometimes I was thankful for what I had, others I yearned for someone to be with. Like you, also had some shit experiences with men. Fell for a couple of bad ones which just put me back in misery. I've no advice, just wanted to empathise. Xx

I gave up on holidaying on my own it became depressing and just highlighted my loneliness even more.

I got cats for company so now i'm automatically labelled as crazy cat lady. I used to model; i have a well paying job, my own place, kind etc but like all of you said, nobody wants me. I think OLD has been an awful development that has resulted in a lot of men wanting everyone but nobody in particular; so the grass is always greener as they move on to the next one. I've been treated so badly by guys i met on there. They don't care because there is so much choice; it becomes a meat market and we are often treated as such.

I think what I find most worrying is that i can't remember how relationships work, how it feels or what it's like to be close to another adult.

I just can't imagine it.

I'm a very loving and giving person but it's beyond any stretch of my imagination.

The other thing is I don't want to run around like a teenager ( though I understand what you are saying) but I want to do most normal things that other people around my age do. I don't want to dress up to the nines and go clubbing as it's not my thing and never was. I want to do just run of the mill normal stuff.

Thank god all the get a hobby/volunteer/join wi posters have cleared off.

On line dating is awful. Some people get lucky, most don't and have to learn the rules and develop a thick skin to even chat to people, that's before you even get to the point of trying to meet up. Being stood up/ vanishing after setting the date/meeting men being a totally weird human being / behaving like an utter arse, are such regular occurances that you are surprised when that doesn't happen..when someone is new to it they think it must be the person fault that they must be doing it wrong, give them a year at it and the scales fall from their eyes. I come out in a cold sweat even thinking about it.

fairy While I have no doubt OLD is much worse for women, that "grass is greener, so much choice" mentality is found in quite a lot of women, too. And I've also received unpleasant unsolicited messages from women, too. Trust me - that's why this man won't go back to OLD. And having spoken to female single friends, some of them definitely have that mentality. Because there is so much choice, it's like a conveyor belt - there'll be another one along in a minute and guys that they might well give a chance to if they met in real life they ignore OLD. While it's right not to settle, some of their checklists are so long, it's no wonder they rarely date.

My check lost is probably long. But it's normal stuff

Must not live with their parents
Must drive
Must have a job
If they have children they must see them and pay for them
Must have some personality/ be interested in the world
Must not have addictions to booze/ drugs/ gambling/ sex
Must not be out of a 20 year marriage for 3 weeks
Must not be sexist/ racist/ homophobic
Must not be a gamer
Must not expect me to do all the housework/ cooking/ whike they sit around watching tv.

That's probably the starting point.

Lots of this stuff you would think would be a given. It's not.

I don't think those are at all unreasonable.

I have a female friend who is 5ft 4 and refuses to date anyone under 6ft because she likes the guy to be taller when she is in heels. Now, if his height is 5ft 11, she won't date him. That, to my mind, is nonsense. That one inch apparently makes all the difference (ahem), no matter if he ticks every other box.

I have another female friend who will only date a guy if he has black hair. Which to my mind is rather odd because he's unlikely to remain black haired in a few years time and sure as hell her hair colour will change too.

Perhaps they havebt been single all that long?!

I guess it's their choice but not all women think like that.

I'm short and I like tall men. I've tried dates with shorter men ( I'm talking 5'5) and it doesn't really work for me, but I know if they had the personality and we clicked that it wouldn't matter a jot.

I like quite a big personality, confidence without too much arrogance. I like someone who's interested and excited by the world. I also want someone grounded who knows the grass still needs to be cut and the washing up has to be done.

That is what I'm after. Total impossibility.

I don't even do heels.

I don't much care for nails and spray tans and fake eyelashes. I'm not that sort of woman and wouldn't like a man if that's what he expected of me/ that was his understanding of what a woman was.

I don't even really know any women like that myself.

The black hair one has been single seven years. The height one has been single five years. And both constantly moan about being single. But they literally won't even consider anyone outside those very specific parameters. I have another friend who has been single for ten years now bar a couple of very short term things of around three months and in each case the guy was a player, blatantly obvious. Sad.

Me? Don't care what height or hair colour a woman is.

Quid - i have a similar list. I have added: No long distance relationship/must live in the same country. It's ridiculous at how basic the lists are but how incredibly difficult it is to meet someone.

Shatner- OLD is hell. I would be interested in phd research/hypothesis on the sociological long term impact on culture...i'm sure there must be some papers out there by now.

Quid - i don't to nails, spray tans etc either. I work with women who do and it does make me wonder if that's where i'm going wrong. But, i have neither the time or the colouring (im a red head) to get away with the barbie look. Do men expect the barbie look nowadays?

fairy Totally agree. They give out stats about how most people now meet through OLD and how successful it is and I call bullshit. I know dozens who have used it but I only know one marriage and one long term relationship out of it. Most get strings of one or two dates, or something that fizzles out relatively quickly. I was on POF for a while - only site I actually had any dates from. After a break of a year I went back for a look and I recognised at least half of the profiles. Half. I think OLD and the mentality it causes together with the stupid selfie nonsense in younger women especially have made too many people far too superficial and it's buggering up people's self esteem in the process.

fairy Most men I know (and we're talking 30s-40s) LOATHE the spray tan, fake nails, weird eyebrow or Barbie nonsense. i can't speak for the younger generation though. We just want someone relatively normal and natural.

When I first started online dating I went 3.5 years without making it to a second date.

The majority of those people I dated are still on pof if I go and have a look. Usually with the same photos!

I also don't do nails etc. In fact I don't wear make up and get my hair cut about twice a year if I am doing well. I am not scruffy or anything but I do wonder if I "looked after myself" a bit more then I would get more interest. But then I would not be me and I am not looking for someone who wants a doll- I want someone who cares more about fun and adventure and conversation in the same way that I don't want a man who is highly groomed and spends his income on clothes. Everyone tells me it doesn't matter and tbf even tho I am a chunker no man I have been out with ever seems to have minded but maybe it just means you are limited to people who KNOW you and are attracted to your personality rather than fall madly for you across a crowded bar etc

Despite being a depressing thread it's very very true to real life which is what makes it even more depressing.
OLD has mucked up the whole dating process and I wish it never existed.