Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

[Quiddichcup]

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

There are threads on this repeatedly and it tends to go the same way every time - half the people suggesting things like "getting out and doing classes, meeting people, volunteering" and the other half totally getting where the OP is coming from.

I am in the same boat as the OP almost having been single for 8 years. I gave up online dating as it was just hideous (and I'm a man saying that, it really can be just as bad for us) and I just feel like a totally asexual being. I have loads of hobbies, I volunteer, I am rarely sat around doing nothing, I have lots of friends.

BUT friends aren't the same. Sometimes you get fed up of always coming home to an empty flat or house, or waking up on your own every morning. I don't have children, so I don't even have any other human contact at home. At weekends, all my friends tend to do family things, so regularly I can spend Sundays not seeing or hearing another soul except to say hello to someone I might walk past. You join clubs but most people are coupled, you do the activity and then they go home, not even a socialising drink afterwards.

I'd love to go on holiday but it's ridiculously expensive on your own and I'd like to have someone to share it with and chat to over dinner that isn't some stranger.

I get it OP, I totally get it.

It is perfectly possible to be content with who you are, have an active life, not sit around moping and enjoy a lot of what you do, but it doesn't stop the endless fucking loneliness sometimes after years and years of it.

I get it, quiddich single 20+ years here, busy raising children in first 10, tired of hearing 'it'll happen when you least expect it' since then. Very much making the best of it, but I wish I didn't have to. And dullandold, if you have a number of gentleman callers whose company you enjoy, you are not experiencing singledom in the way that is being talked about here.

I have a "gentleman caller", and it does indeed help a bit, but it is not the same as a meaningful relationship.

@Quiddichcup I totally get you.

Its frustrating when people say, join a club, get out there. We do that already!! But on a Sunday morning when you want to chill in bed reading the papers with someone or go out for coffee/dinner with a significant other, friends just don't cut it. Its a different type of intimacy that we are missing. I have a good job, friends that I see often for drinks, dinner etc, go to the gym, have great holidays, but sometimes I am lonely AF.
I've been single for a couple of years, and I too find it soul destroying. I wonder if this is it for me now as i don't think I, or anyone should settle for less than they deserve and decent men seem hard to come by lately. I was a late bloomer and so I think I may have missed the boat on kids now at 42, so I'm looking into fostering or adoption which I know will bring me some joy.

There is no answer, apart from carrying on, which we do, and its sad that burying it is all we can do sometimes. I'm having a bad week this week. Its a good job i'm working from home, I can hide the tears(and be on Mumsnet!)Its true when you say your friends don't really want to hear it, i bore myself feeling like this sometimes..

Sending you empathy and love x

I prefer being single to being in a relationship. I've learned that I'm quite fickle with my affections when it comes to men so I'm better off being by myself.

I realise I'm probably in the minority though. I'm not very emotionally available so the idea of having to come home to someone every night leaves me cold.

"I've people to do things with I want someone to do nothing with"

Not my quote (sorry if its been mentioned already)

I feel the v same as op, just turned 50, alone for 6 years , its tough

Yes agreed, it’s the cuddling up on the sofa, foot rubs and hugs that I miss. None of that is stuff I can get from friends at a cycling club My kids can give me a hug or rub my feet but it’s not the same as a partner. It’s like a couple relationship has something extra that you just can’t get from FWB+Friends+kids

I also get it and am at the person on the first page who had a whole three weeks' single-dom under their belt.

I hate always being alone. I hate that I have a basket at the supermarket with food for one. I hate dating and being the politely sociable version of myself. I want to spend my precious time off work doing something I like, not making awkward conversation.

If anyone had the answer, that would be great... if not, I get you OP. I get you.

I also get it.

Right now I'm going through a prolonged period of feeling I might go mad with loneliness. And that I have to take all the responsibility for absolutely everything. Sometimes I feel that if one more issue presents itself it'll break me, no matter how small it is, just because it's all down to me to take responsibility.

Joining clubs and having friends is not the same!

I get it. I’ve never had a long relationship, never lived with anyone, never had kids. I literally don’t know anyone else in my situation. I’ve never felt loved, never felt that I was someone’s priority, never felt like anyone cared if I stayed in London / moved abroad / woke up tomorrow. I get it.

Thank you and I'm sorry others do get it and feel the same way.

I think unless you have been alone for such a long time it a hard to comprehend.

Hi OP, I hear you. When you're in a long term relationship you be someone to off load to and share the burdens off life with and the other persons carry it for you. You see friends but they go back to their caves with their partners.

I think it's fine to feel as you do and acknowledge that.

You've been single dr a while, do you find it hard being with someone because you've been badly hurt before?

I've split up with my exh 7 yrs ago and other than a couple of very short flings, have been completely single since. I do wish I had other single friends as I would like people to go out with, or just understand being a single parent. But I cannot envisage a relationship again, I just don't think a man can bring anything to my life. And dd is vehemently against it, as she has pointed out , she didn't cope when me and her dad split up and couldn't deal with losing another father figure.

I'm with you OP.

I've been single for 6 years. It does get lonely. But I'd rather be single than in a miserable relationship like i was for 8 years.

I've accepted this is how it is. I work. I have 2 dc. We have a nice home & a nice lifestyle. If anyone comes along that's good enough that'll be a bonus but in the meantime i have learnt to accept that this is how it is. I'll just carry on enjoying my friends, my dc & my home. And my sanity.... now im rid of emotionally abusive ex.

Hi I get it, been off this week and every coffee date and lunch I arranged has been cancelled. Yes it's better to be on your own than in a miserable relationship but , no matter how social you are there are still times when it's very lonely x

I'm 40; never had a long term relationship (focused on career I now hate instead); no dc. I regret it all. Being long term single is soul destroying and lonely. I'm currently having a cry because yet another man I met OLD has mucked me around. I think I was 26 the last time I met a nice guy.

@orangecrush - nice to meet you. I'm in the same situation.

I checked with my colleagues how long they would take to check up on me if i didn't come into work so i would know how long before my body would be found if i died at home

I get it too OP. I have been in a long term controlling and abusive relationship, now single for a few years.

No I wouldn't want another abusive relationship. No one would! But I would love to be loved and to have someone to love back. Someone to care and have my back. Life is exhausting when you are on your own and everything falls to you. The loneliness is a physical ache at times.

My friends are coupled up or have plenty of child care or at least have family close by. I live in the sticks and there is nothing for me to do here if i was able. I have no family and my teenage DC has ASD and no desire to communicate with me beyond the odd grunt unless there is something to moan about.

I work from home and as the years speed by faster, each day alone seems to get longer and longer.

I have hobbies and I do keep up with friends, usually via technology these days as they are all so busy.

I recently took a min wage evening job a couple of nights a week. People were incredulous that know me and my usual profess ion but it is in a social environment. I get to spend time with people and to a degree it's good fun.

Going home is still going back to no one in my corner and that is what I hate. I'm not sure I ever want to live with a man again but I would love to be someone's someone special.

I gave OLD because it's just not the real world but I have also had real life approaches from married men and people that offer to sort me out if I'm desperate I have a FWB but I hear you loud and clear. Sometimes being single sucks!

That sounded more morbid than i intended. It was pure curiosity on my part.

I get it OP. I’ve been single for 5 years. I have good friends. I have gorgeous children. I have hobbies and ways to fill my time. I have started a new career. But. But. I miss intimacy. I miss being the most important adult in another adult’s life. I miss sex. I miss having someone to lean on inatead of having to do everything on my own. I miss hours on the sofa watching Netflix and talking about mindless stuff.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship and being single is a million times better than that but.... being single is not better than being in a fulfilling relationship. It just isn’t.

As I post this on actually on holiday. We came away Monday.

From the outside it looks like I'm having a great time and I am sort of.
But inside I am bone crushingly lonely at the same time. Another family has already asked is my dh couldn't get time off work and told me in brave for coming on my own I just get a head tilt when I say I'm a single parent.
I brought a bottle of wine but will end up taking it home because having a drink, to me, isn't enjoyable on my own.
I take a lot of photos because I have no one to talk through memories with, children forget and it's all I have to prove it happened.

I'm glad people get it, but also sad that they do because I know it's not nice.

Dd is about to go to her dad's for a whole week so I know I have an even more difficult week ahead.

Sometimes I do wonder how I've ended up like this. I don't think I'm an awful person. I'm not totally hideous. But I look ahead and can't see anything more than more of the same. If I get told ' it will happen when you least expect It' one more time, from Someone who was last single in 1994, like they are the dating Oracle, I might just blow my top.

I also really hate my treatment from men online, the casual disregard and complete dis respect is actually highly offensive. I do not have a thick skin for it. When I was newly single I would brush it off and keep on looking believing it to be a numbers game. But I must have spoken to 1000's men over the years and my tolerance is worn so thin that i just can't face it.

I've had two real life men treat me like a disposable non enity recently which also stings as they actually know me as a person. Both got called our on their shitty behaviour but it doesn't change the fact that it happened and I'm hurt.

I'm sorry to hear this. Life doesn't always work out perfectly it seems, no matter how much we try.

I have nothing useful to add btw....!

My own situation tho, well I'm early forties, no kids, split up last March... wasn't living with him, got my own place....

So now I'm single. I did OLD and although I had to be careful, I did have a good time. I was very careful tho and stopped comms a couple of times.

But I do believe that it is better to be alone than to be with someone bad or someone you know you don't love and are going to have to leave. I may be long term single now as I have a habit of only half committing and now that I want to change that, I am the age i am and things are likely to be different....

You never know what you're going to get in life, that's the best I can offer. I am sorry you're sad tho xxx

Have people considered getting a dog for company if you are able to? I swear a dog would have more to offer than most men I've known.
I personally dont know 1 relationship that has lasted and every man has either been a cheater/ an abuser/a drug addict/gambler/alcoholic etc.

I had a dog. I'm not in the place where it would be right to get another now, work etc, plus it is a lot of responsibility and added time and money, both of which I am not abundant in 😉

I get what you are saying about the quality of men though. I have dated a bit ( going back a few years) and always end things over things like that. I rarely come into contact with any decent men. Or certainly and decent single ones. I want an equal and someone who adds to my life, not someone who takes and gives me more stress.

I am here. I have been single for 7 years really (if you don't count the several "I am not ready for a relationship" flings but I will sleep with you/introduce you to my family/act as if we are going out )

I am fed up of people suggesting hobbies. I have hobbies. I have a wonderful, well paid, fulfilling job. I have a dog. I have many wonderful lovely friends who I can do fun things with. I go on holiday on my own just fine. I am happy to go for dinner/cinema/trips alone. None of this changes that wish that just for once SOMEONE would care more about me than anyone else, that they would love me, that they would take me out for dinner, that they would come camping with me and snuggle up. I go to bed at night alone and I don't know why. I am not hideous, I can offer vaguely interesting conversation, I will happily have endless sex, I like adventures and yet no one wants me.

I am currently having to make a fairly major life decision and I KNOW I should feel lucky that I am free as a bird to make whatever decision I want. But deep down what I know is that no one really cares what decision I make because it makes no difference to them. They want me to do what makes me happy. I wish that someone DID care and that they were SHARING that decision with me and the responsibility for every decision I make wasn't all mine. Which sounds silly but there we are.

I am HAPPY with my life in almost all ways. I am not depressed. I get on with it. But there is that little gap. I imagine it is a similar gap that people have when they desperately want children and every says "why don't you adopt/get a cat/be grateful you don't have a screaming baby and can go on holiday whenever you want"

I get that a shit relationship is not something to aspire to. I don't. I want a normal, nice, every day relationship where everything is not perfect and shiny but just NORMAL where there are good bits and bad bits and every day things.

Whinge over. Just wanted to say I get it. Totally and utterly