Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

[Quiddichcup]

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

I know what everyone means ..Have a much better social life now thanks to meet up.. Made dome great friends , been on holiday but its not the same .. However I am happy in someway too that I have recreated myself and enjoy new me things ..

I search for the group but couldnt find it, just got mismatches.

Dozy- I've sent you a message , it will appear as a red dot I'm the person icon, top right of your page.

Una, I've messaged you too

👍i sent fb request

Hello everyone. I'm mid 40s been single 5 years. I have a 6 yr old daughter and get 1 child free night a fortnight. Fairly happily single atm (after dabbling in Online dating for a couple of years and meeting all manner of freaks and fuckwits so prefer my own company) But... I do get bored and the happy smug married friends mostly haven't got a clue.
Also totally identify with a 4 day caravan break in the next county up!
So, I'd like to join your group please Quid and hope to feel a little more normal with people who actually get it

Ooh I'd like to know about this group!

Feeling everyone's pain... I'm 40 in a couple of months and my fiancé passed away in 2002. I've had a few relationships since but they've all been with appalling men. I just don't trust my own judgement anymore!

I don't have children, don't want them and don't want to be a stepmum either so I'm pretty limited on choices anyway. I'm utterly fed up of being single OLD is awful and I ended up with a torrent of messages from absolute tools so deleted my accounts.

I don't think I'm a bad catch, I'm not ugly, am a generally nice person but just entirely intolerant to bullshit from men!

Please pm me not sure how I can join the fb group but I'd like to.

If anyone wants to join then pm me and I can tell you the fb group name to search under.

I changed it to private for a few days to make it easier, and I'll switch it to secret in a few days when everyone who wants to join has joined.

Good work quiddichcup :-)

This thread has fascinated me over the past couple of days. I'm a working single parent, single now for three years. My dc are at an age where they're starting to find their independence. Up until a couple of weeks ago I had absolutely no desire to meet anybody. After a clumsy approach from a friend's husband, and then the long term partner of another friend, I had decided my instinct to stay single was right for me.

However. As I said before, my dc are becoming more independent. My new life has settled down, and I feel like I'm pretty sorted practically, friendship wise etc. Perhaps therefore a little part of me is now thinking about the fact I am single, and whether I'd like to do something about it.

My problem is that with a three year window of observing other relationships I feel so cynical. My relationship with my ex was actually largely very good, so it's not that I'm filled with bitterness from that. I just see so much compromise - and mainly on the part of women. Very few of my friends are in what I, and they, would call equal, satisfying relationships. I know a certain level of compromise is inevitable in most relationships - work, family, friends etc. But I think once you've stepped away for a while - for whatever reason - you can't look at things the same again. The genie's out of the bottle.

So here I am, not wanting to live with anybody or marry, but thinking it may be nice to meet someone with whom to share my adult, single self. But my bullshit-o-meter is set to 100, and I know I don't "need" any one. So I think I'd be quite intolerant of a lot of behaviours quite quickly. And as has been said on here so many times, where now do people over 40 meet other like minded people? By that I mean not someone who after 3 texts wants to send you a picture of his willy!

I have a friend who met a guy about 3 years ago on line. She's attractive, funny, good job, own home etc, etc but was desperate to meet someone after her marriage ended. The new guy is creepy, needy (personally I think he's a fantasist) and he tapped her phone on the pretext of protecting her from someone - he wasn't, he was insecure and jealous. Despite acknowledging all this she likes the company, the flowers, the joint holidays, he's very domesticated and helps with her kids. My nightmare would be to fall into that trap.

I think a lot of us fall into that boat.

It has been an interesting thread and I'm really thankful that people have been able to post honestly about how they feel. It's helped me lots and I hope it might have helped others too.

Quiddichcup. Just read the thread. I'm single now for 6 years. Widowed. I miss a companion and someone to hug. Joined OLD last weekend. OMG it's horrendous. Sleazy men. I actually had one on classic FM ask me to email him more pictures of me yet had nothing on his profile. He gave me his email address and I realised it was a guy who had taught Munson guitar 12 years ago. He was weird then. I blocked him.

I totally and fully get where you are coming from and my kids are grown up now (I'm 54) so not at home. I'm certainly not needy either but the desire to be held and wanted again is getting stronger.

Quiddichcup I'm quite an open person but this thread has made me realise that people really don't want to discuss or dwell on this issue.

I guess we all know that the other door is always ajar. Today we might be part of a couple, but a twist of fate and we're on the other side. So best to ignore that fact, and the people around us who are living reminders of it.

Yes but I just don’t get why people don’t realise that circumstances can change v quickly and therefore you need friendships outside of your relationship.

Not only that, it’s nice to spend time away from the person you are in a relationship with and hang out with other people. Just baffles me how many women have no interest in pursuing friendships.

I am in a relationship but was single for 4 years in my mid thirties after a messy relationship breakdown. I also take on the role of organiser a bit but have kind of stopped that, not because I have a partner now but because I was ill last year and maybe 2/3 friends rallied round for me. The rest (the ones I’d organised events for for the best part of 20 years) didn’t bother, so I am just not doing it any more. And guess what, nothing has been organised. But I do feel I have to concentrate on the friends who prioritise me. I don’t have kids so perhaps that sets me apart from some of my friends, I don’t know.

I guess it could be a number of things ziggy . Lots of people just really can't imagine or believe that their relationship could go wrong. Others just live in complete denial. Then you get people who just fling themselves into another one if they do split up, or those who make sure they've met somebody else before they leave.

I used to say to my ex, jokingly, that he should have a group of friends like me because if we ever split up he'd be sunk. He never thought it would happen - and never made those friends.

Good on you for stepping away from being the group organiser!

It's hard work trying to make and keep friends, as we've seen from the examples on this thread, so if you have a partner and family, and are perhaps a bit shy, then it is easy to just give friend work a miss. Easy but not a good idea, especially as once you go down that route, it is a bit of a slippery slope. I don't have any family in this country so did a bit of friend work, but it was bloody hard as in a second language, and I did end up relatively isolated.

Which is part of the reason that I now have a gentleman caller - a couple of meets a week with a lovely guy who's fat, balding, in his 50s and not looking for anything committed (thanks to everyone else for rejecting him ) - he's actually a great guy and lots of fun, but I probably wouldn't have even looked for anyone if I had had any family here, or more friends.

Just in the process of moving. I have no car, it's really not easy to get furniture, bring it to the new flat and put it up on my own. Almost broke my back on the bed. Maybe I should get my dog to help. (And btw, dogs are lovely etc. but if you have no-one else to look after them, not really a great idea to have yet another reason why it's hard for you to go out in the evening or on holiday!)

I'm also in the same boat - all my friends are coupled up, and I have very long, lonely weekends.

I am busy but am essentially alone - at the cinema, in the coffee shop, in the supermarket ....

I do have a counsellor, thank god, and I get to talk about it with her, and cry

Oh,and I was often the organiser/instigator. Didn't bother for this weekend, and no friends have contacted me ....

Thank you,I have just joined the Facebook group. It’s a relief to feel there are others like me out there.

Thank you from me, too, I've just joined.

My friend didn't contact me about our loose plans either..

It's pretty shit but I have had a lovely day laughing with people over on the group. Which is not something i thought was going to happen.

I don't know how to PM!

Glad you mentioned counselling, batshitcrazy - ive been essentially single for 23 years now, had 1 3 year LDR with a guy who 'didn't see his future with me' so I ended it, and now I seem to have made a male friend (which I didn't really need - I have plenty of friends!) by getting to know someone who it turns out isn't interested in a 'couple' r'ship.

I took myself off to see a counsellor about why I'm attracted to unavailable men, but we decided that 2 in 23 years is not a 'pattern' - it's just that there's not many available men out there! It was good to talk freely and confidentially, and I may go back to see her again.

@Khaleesi0 - to PM go up to the little person at the top and click on it, then click on Inbox at bottom and then the cross with Message on, then you can do a message

nicenewdusters - I would also like to meet a like minded chap for maybe the odd date, but can’t see me living with anyone again after being taken for a mug by exP. I’ve been 18 mths single and do feel very intolerant so would not put up with anything like I did before! I can’t see me meeting anyone by chance so probably would need to do OLD but the thought scares me! I also barely have a minute to myself due to kids.