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Original poster

Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

311 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 10:47

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

OP posts:
fairylightsdown · 05/04/2018 09:42

Quid - i've dipped in and out of OLD for a few years and noticed the same faces too. Mostly players i guess.

Shatner- i've had mixed experiences with guys in their 40s and the barbie look. Many seem to like it; but only some don't.

Where are we supposed to meet people though?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 09:42

I wish online dating didn't exist either. Married people ask if you have tried it... but then if you try to tell then how awful it is they say they couldn't put themselves through it, or find it so hysterically funny they tell you you should write a book, not realising everyone who online dates has a similar experience.

Thing is that's all there is now and it's not so funny when it's your life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 10:00

When I look around at friends none of them go for the Barbie look.

Men online dating though? Who knows.

I wear nice things, I always do hair and make up. I'm more fat face style, relaxed and casual.

Another thing that offends me when chatting to men online is if I do anything with my daughter I get told by them it's mummy / little lady time. Or some man asked what " the two cheekies " were up to..
Dd is a young teenager ffs.

I find it really patronising.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/04/2018 10:24

I also took a break from OLD for over a year. When I started a new profile afterwards I got a message from someone who'd messaged me two years earlier but had no memory of it. He was amazed that I could remember where he worked etc. (I also remembered that all he did was chat, and would never set a date for a meeting, so didn't get my hopes up!) I'm not sure everyone on those sites is actively looking for a relationship.

I know I'm very lucky that I did have a 20-year relationship; even if it was very empty at times and ended nastily, it still gave me experiences that you can only get in a long-term relationship. If I'd never had that I would feel I'd missed out on something big. That LTR is no doubt the reason why I don't feel so bad about not having had a deep relationship for the last few years; why I am still actually enjoying having my own space. I don't know how long that will last, but I know I am lucky I can feel that way.

It is quite scary thinking that you could be one of those stories which involve the neighbours noticing a smell! But these days, in this society, it feels like it's a privilege to have others looking out for you. There are so many people who are totally alone and not even able to go to the WI ... I don't feel like I can expect anything better.

MadMags · 05/04/2018 10:29

Have any of you on this thread checked if you live locally? Maybe not for romance but I’m wondering if you all find yourself in the same boat, and you’ve discussed it on here, it could be that you find some friends who are available at the weekend etc.

Obviously I’m well aware that this isn’t about friendships but it’s only that a few of you have mentioned holidays and weekends as times that your friends disappear.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 11:00

I think most people on sites aren't looking for a relationship.

I think that's what people assume since it's a dating site but many many men use it for other reasons.

I'm sure there is a recent study showing something like 70% of men's profiles are married men.

If you then factor in recently single men still living with their ex. Or men just looking for a shag to prove their ex wrong then that must take out another 20%

The 9% left are the damn weird.....

And the 1% are what we are hoping to stumble across.

OP posts:
griefandpain · 05/04/2018 11:33

OP I understand where you are. I'm 35 and my husband died a few years ago and I was left to cope with two small children. To put it mildly I have been through hell and back. Finally it came to the point where I could sit and wallow forever more in my pity and misery or do something about it and make positive changes. Although I didn't feel up to it I forced myself into counseling, to meet friends to get out and about. At times it meant leaving myself exposed to more hurt. Recently I started online dating, I've been on 3 dates and nothing came of them. Again it wasn't easy but I've got to live. I'm now chatting to another guy who would like to meet for a date, I was going to not bother until my friend texted me and said "winners never quit and quitters never win" so I've bitten the bullet and meeting him this weekend. Chin up OP, things will and do get better

ShatnersWig · 05/04/2018 11:50

I've just done a search and I can't find a survey backing that 70% statistic, OP.

Do you honestly think that only 1% of the male population are reasonable human beings? I'm prepared to admit that there are loads of awful men on these dating sites who make it more difficult for men like me who make up that tiny 1% to actually even get replies from women (most go unanswered, no matter how much effort you put in to responding to something in their profile and asking a question related to it - which is no doubt why so many just do a cut and paste "hi" because you so rarely get a response you wonder why bother making more of an effort). But let's not forget that there are also married women on those sites, women still living with their ex or their parents, or just looking for a shag, or damn weird, or desperate to have a child within three months of knowing you.

ChiaraRimini · 05/04/2018 11:54

Dating sites seem to enable really poor behaviour by people towards each other . I think there are far fewer women then men on many of them and people who actually want a relationship will just stop using them altogether when they realise just what a waste of time they are.

The world is so different now than when I was last single 23 years ago. Dating did not even exist as a concept then.

I really miss the companionship of a relationship. Even though a lot of my marriage was shit, there were good bits too. The expectation seems to be that if you exit a crap marriage you will suddenly feel free, well I don't feel free, I have 3 kids to raise on my own now.

ShatnersWig · 05/04/2018 12:00

Chiara Yet apparently ONE THIRD of marriages now begin online. I simply find that incredulous and frankly don't believe it. What people forget that the big boys like Match, Eharmony, Mysinglefiriend and the like are BUSINESSES. It's not in their interests for you to find someone and stop paying them a subscription. This is why there are lots of fake profiles and why you suddenly get messaged just as it's about to run out to try and make you think it's worth staying. If I was ever to return to it, I would never use a paid site. Ever.

GaraMedouar · 05/04/2018 12:16

I feel very much the same. I’m single mother to 3 kids so I can’t see me being able to date for a while due to childcare , but due to the stories of OLD I’m too scared to even try!
I would love someone to go out for a meal with or to the cinema etc, just normal things, but I have no more tolerance after ex Partner so I too have a list like OP’s - not fussed about looks, height etc but certainly moral values , not lazy, not a cocklodger etc.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 12:22

I mean 1% of men online, not of all men.

And I do believe that to be about true ekse there is no accounting for the terrible behaviour that i have encountered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 12:26

Ah, I got mixed up. It's 30% that are married not 70%

That's still 3 out of 10.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/04/2018 12:28

Thing is, I've encountered terrible behaviour from women online. Some of it totally unsolicited (ie, I hadn't messaged them at all). Such as the woman who decided that because on my profile I had ticked the "doesn't want children" box I was "a fucking piece of shit who was only here to try and sleep your way through women because all normal women want children and you're just some low life fucker who just uses women". That was a particularly nice one.

I've also had the woman not over her ex who used to beat her up go back to him after dating for seven weeks, then turn up on my doorstep three months later in tears asking me to give her another chance because I'm the only man whose ever treated her well. And the woman who seemed far too serious after two dates which made me feel uncomfortable so I called it off. So she MOVED HOUSE from six miles away to my street and continually harrassed me and I had to get the Police involved.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 12:53

Not pleasant but still nothing compared to what many women experience. Not trying to say That's not awful but I've had men be physically threatening on dates. Turn up drink or on drugs. Cry. Make lewd comments. Get all obsessive. Have very clear social issues. Run off mid date. This is all before you just get to the ones who are ok but it's just a bad date or the ones who try to get sex and then vanish when you do or don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 12:57

Online it's a mine field and the abuse you get befire even finding anyone to chat to. I've been called all sorts for not replying quickly enough. Frequently.

If you don't agree to a date after 4 messages you get abuse. I've been called a man. I look nothing like a man.etc etc and so it goes.

But none of that is as bad as lewd comments to your face and being sexually aggressive.

Men don't get the same in person, certainly not as frequently.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/04/2018 13:03

I just feel it's important to point out, as I did, that while it is obviously worse for women, please don't think a) all men are like that and that b) men don't get shit from women too.

It's not about them and us or any sort of competition between genders. There are awful men and awful women when it comes to OLD and real life.

Anyway, back to the topic which was about loneliness of single life rather than a dissemination of OLD!

Chasingsquirrels · 05/04/2018 13:07

Have to say my experience of OLD at present (and 9-10 years ago when I was last single) is just that no one contacts me, although I'm just doing free sites / profiles.

Actually that's not true, I have a number of messages on Match which I can't access because I don't have a paid profile.

So I'm guessing I'm not an attractive proposition.

yetmorecrap · 05/04/2018 13:24

Out of interest shatnets wig, do you have a theory as to why you have had no success, you seem nice, write well, obviously have a good attitude, anything stand out when people you may like didnt take it further??

ShatnersWig · 05/04/2018 13:34

yetmore Oh yes, two reasons. Firstly, I'm a pretty average looking guy and when you've got good looking guys on the OLD conveyor belt, we tend to get overlooked. Secondly, and far more importantly for your question, I don't want children or to be a step parent, so I'm fishing in a pretty small pool to start with. That's life, such as it is and I accept that (I just don't like the abusive messages it got me). So there aren't lots of women to message in the first place and they get plenty of attention and can really pick and choose who they want to date.

When I was OLD I was always up front about it. I would only message someone on the same page. I stopped messaging women who said they were "undecided" as the response tended to be that it had to be their decision whether to have kids or not and dating me meant I took that decision from them.

Having said that, there are other things that play a part for lots of people. If you live in a more rural or semi-rural location compared with a large town or a city, the numbers are much lower and not everyone wants any form of distance relationship. And then you might like the look of someone but have absolutely no interests in common and for some people that's very important.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 05/04/2018 13:51

I think that's the most important part, isn't it..
Someone who likes me, and enjoys spending time with me, as I, them. Else what is the point.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/04/2018 14:34

I was thinking more of the people on those sites who aren't actively looking for any kind of relationship at all, even just a shag :) - some people just seem to have put up a profile and left it at that.

My only definite no-no on the looks front is "no moustache". The big bushy kind, just a moustache on its own. I hate them with a vengeance :)

Rudgie47 · 05/04/2018 14:47

Its mainly married/partnered men who sign up for OLD, who want a shag on the side, from what I can gather. I've worked with loads of men and its the married ones that were into this, not single men wishing to meet someone.
I think if anyone is really wanting to meet someone then you are better off widening your social life, joining things etc.

ShatnersWig · 05/04/2018 14:50

Rudgie 30% apparently are married. That's a fair chunk but not "mainly"

GlutenFreeMe · 05/04/2018 15:05

I think what I find most worrying is that i can't remember how relationships work, how it feels or what it's like to be close to another adult.

Oh god, this. Sometimes I feel like I've even forgotten how to talk to another adult because I go so long without doing it.

I am also increasingly worried that I end up in a bad relationship because I really would like to hear that someone likes me too. I am so suspicious of people's motives.