Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

[Quiddichcup]

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

So what should we all do re other ways of meeting people? (Nobody say bloomin' hobbies 😂)

I completely agree that I miss having "the one" that special bond when you are the most important person in the world to that person. (Saying that, when my ex and I had children that completely changed.)

As I said above OLD is completely broken and has encouraged really poor behaviour that people wouldn't get away with IRL. Its also a completely unnatural way of meeting people. I've had so many super awkward first dates when it was obvious there was no mutual attraction. But you can't tell that from behind a screen.

fairylightsdown I have no idea!
I have friends who have single friends though and I think my best chance is hanging out with them though and trying to meet someone that way.

OP I feel some of your pain. Single almost 3 years after a sexless abusive marriage.
Esteem is on the floor, which i know doesn't help. There is no prospect of me being a catch because my financial and work situations are too precarious.

I seriously don't know what the answer is. I volunteer, I work, I get out to see friends etc etc.

I think I'm just meant to be alone. Never mind that i don't want to be and that id love for someone to carry the load with me. My DD (14) told me the other week shed not be bothered if i met someone because she just wants me to be happy. I hate that she might sense the misery seeping out of my pores.

Depressing.

Fairylightsdown (sorry don’t know how bold text). This is exactly what I have been wondering.

Back in the day (I’m 41) it was either through friends or at a bar but, with the ubiquity of OLD, somehow it just doesn’t seem to cut it any more.

Single 2yrs here after partner passed away and have done OLD and found it wholly unsuccessful.

I’ve no doubt there’s some great guys out there but I just don’t seem to meet them. I’ve a feeling I may be a little ‘unapproachable’ (my mum has told me this although my friends don’t concur).

Perhaps we need to be a bit bolder and take the lead in initiating conversation with people/making the first move. As you can probably tell; I’m grasping at straws here!

woolly ive been told i am unapproachable looking. I am not sure what it actually means. I don't smile a whole lot tbh - but my face is definitely NOT tripping me anymore Perhaps thats what they mean.

If i couldn't manage to be interesting enough for my husband to have sex with me then i very much doubt anyone else would be brave enough.

If i couldn't manage to be interesting enough for my husband to have sex with me then i very much doubt anyone else would be brave enough.

Tosh. HE was the problem.

I think it comes down to luck and hoping that your luck will change.

Side note: Isn't it easy to give other people advice?!

I've been entirely single for the last 6 years and was mostly single for the 7 years preceding that. I didn't find it soul destroying, so I'm really sorry to hear that this is what you think OP.

We are ridiculously over-invested in romantic relationships and see them as some kind of nirvana, when nothing could be further from the truth! I was way more miserable and lonely as part of a deeply unhappy couple, than I ever was being single.

Don't lower your standards as that suggests that you have poor self-esteem and don't consider yourself worthy of a high quality partner. I had therapy to get myself to this position and dating with this perspective is much more healthy than my previous mindset. You are worthy of someone good in your life OP.

I am just embarking on a relationship with someone over the last two months and it is good but it is also very tiring and quite stressful. He is a great person but the adaptations to both our lives to make time and room for each other is hard and disruptive. Hopefully, we'll get there but it will take considerable time and investment of effort.

I'm pleased dating is working out for you.

I don't lower my standards, but raising them has led to no dates at all and celibacy 🤣

Are you on the dating thread Quiddichcup? It is a brilliant source of advice. I found it invaluable.

I feel for you and for the other lonely poster here, OP. I'm 51 and haven't had a date/relationship in almost twenty years. It's got to the point that I almost don't want one, because after it's run the course I'll be left alone again, even more lonely this time, knowing what could have been and that my age has left me ever more exponentially less likely to every have another relationship.

And you can't even talk about it! No one wants to hear about someone being lonesome - even bring it up with a girlfriend and you get slapped down: Oh, you don't want a bad relationship like mine (no shit, Sherlock!); You're better off single [insert reason here]; You need to like yourself before anyone else will (I like myself just fine, thanks.); You need to [volunteer, OLD, etc.]; and my personal favorites: There's a lid for every pot and/or When the time is right, he'll appear. Um, no. I'm 51 fucking year-old. He's not just going to show up on my doorstep. And I know that! Just listen to my feelings! God fucking knows I listen to your endless boring yak about your kids, grandkids, and where you're going on vacation next week with your husband/boyfriend.

Hokay, not that I'm bitter or anything. I wish I had help for you, I really do. For all of us.

Nope, no one will just appear. It doesn't work like that. You have to put yourself out there and date. That it in itself is risky, tiring, sometimes hilarious, sometimes disastrous, sometimes depressing, sometimes anger inducing but it has to be done if you want to try and find someone to date and maybe have a relationship with.

I'm just shy of 49 and there are plenty of people on the dating thread older than me!

risky, tiring, sometimes hilarious, sometimes disastrous, sometimes depressing, sometimes anger inducing
... like most things that involve going out of your front door, and some that don't :)

OP I am whole hearted with you.

I am 41, single for a decade too.

I give up now

Thankfully I have a DS

Ive been on the dating thread on and off. I don't want to go on it, no offence to anyone.

It's the same thing over and over again which is why I don't want to be on the dating merry- go- round. I've done it and just can't any more.

I'm sorry but I don't think I have any real advice on how to meet men... was never very good at it myself. But I didn't want to read and run as I can really feel your sadness op. My mum was recently widowed and the silence at home when I visit, is deafening even to me in the few hours I'm there, and I worry about her being on her own all the time. Obviously you have a child to take care of, but most of us like to have a chat and settle down to a box set with a grown up once the kids have gone to bed. Not sure whether I'm barking up the wrong tree, but do you think talking to a psychotherapist could help you understand your relationships with people and help you find a way to cope with your loneliness?

Uke, have you been talking to my friends too? 😉

Only single for a year so not the same but so far loving it. I was very unhappy and lonely in my last relationship for a good 8 years before we separated and the feeling of freedom now, makes me feel like I can breath again. I have 3 children, friends and a job I love so don't have much time or any inclination to ever be in a serious relationship again.
It does worry me though that if I don't make time now I may wake up in 15 years and feel lonely and it will be harder then to find somebody. I'm hoping that somebody perfect for me just comes along when the time is right.

I cope with it ok most of the time, life is busy.

It's just the 3 men in one go being arses which brings it to a head and I reach peak fed up levels.

UkuleleRose - so true what you said about discussing with friends. Every time I dare to mention this matter to friends I get the exact same responses you have quoted (either that or just a clear disinterest).

I wonder just how many people get introduced by mutual friends as you sometimes get ‘oh, a friend set us us on a blind date/introduced us’.

Clearly none of my friends know any single men because that’s never happened to me!

Hi OP, I'm a lone parent too. I'm 32 with a 2yo and been single about 18months now. It's hard having nobody to rely on and I do worry that I have nobody to share memories of my son with and he is too young to remember anything yet.

I've got no interest in being in a relationship but would be nice in theory.

OP - I totally understand. Most of the time it is manageable (like you said; keeping busy etc). When you get messsd around, though, it’s hard the keep your chin up.

This is why I’m done with OLD. I’d rather be lonely and be able to keep a level head and just hope that one day I meet someone organically than to be messed around online, upset and have my confidence bashed.

Woolly, I've been set up a couple of times over the years, but I think they were dragged unwillingly on the set-ups and it was painfully obvious they couldn't be less interested. I cringe just remembering.

On the weird side, shy young men often seem to use me for flirting practice. Like, YOUNG men, some not even legal, yet. (I do a lot of community theatre.) I steer so far from those you can see the sparks fly off my wheels. And at work there's the dreaded Work Wife Syndrome. Another soul-destroyer if there ever was one. KMN.

I think it's the long-term-ness which is hard (10 years here too)
I've never done OLD though, and think if I started trying to date and got blown out or whatever, that would make me feel worse.
I've tried widening social circles through evening classes and meetup.com (at expense, as no family so need to get babysitters) and that has been okay, but still disheartening because what I've found is I've met women friends there who want to socialise, lovely, until they meet a man. Then they don't any more. Which leaves you feeling crap also. So I don't know the answer OP.
When my dcs are older I'll try to get an evening job I think, just for extra socialising. But the constant effort gets wearing.
Like you, I don't think I'd know how to be in a relationship any more either. Although having been married, I do remember that it can also have its crappy moments.