Daughter's boyfriend is going to propose this weekend he has asked me to keep secret she has always asked me to 'warn' her. What do I do

[user1471521184]

So, my daughter's long term, amazing boyfriend has just rung me to ask 'permission' to marry my daughter, I could not be happier.
The issue is he has asked me to keep this a secret, a surprise, she has always asked me to 'warn' her if he intends to propose as she hates surprises and is not fussed one way or another about marriage as they will be together for life anyway. What do I do for the best for everyone?

Keep it a secret, it will be a lovely surprise for her

I wouldn’t tell her. No way.

Who is your 1st loyalty to ?

I hate surprises too but as much as I’d want to know in advance it would ruin it

Tell her. She specifically asked you to if it happened.

Surely your loyalty should be to your daughter. Maybe you could find a subtle way if giving her a heads up without saying "He's going to propose".

As per AF.

I would tell him what she has always said...

Warn her. She wouldn’t/shouldn’t have specifically asked if she didn’t mean it. If I was your DD I’d be livid if you decided you knew what was best for me.

Fudge it! Stick to the letter of the law (for him) and the spirit of it (for her). By this, I mean show an unusual amount of interest in the weekend when talking to her. "Ooh, DD - what clothes are you taking? Perhaps you should take something smart/but dressy? Have you packed your camera? You may want to get some nice shots to remember". Etc. Ad inf.

She will get the message. But you can tell him, hand on heart, that you didn't tell her. She guessed? Inferred from your odd behaviour? You were just very excited for them.

Ask her what she would think if her boyfriend asked her mother's permision before proposing.

If dh had asked my father first, i'd have said no.

There is no way I would tell her.

But I would have told her this way before now so that she wouldn’t ask!

It puts you in a terrible predicament

I’m thinking you obviously agreed with her at the time though

She's specifically asked you to warn her. She hates surprises. She isn't fussed about marriage. You can't keep this secret and not be incredibly disrespectful of your daughter's wishes and who she is.

Gosh, you are very involved in their lives!

She asked you to tell her. You have to tell her, obviously

Have you always agreed to tell her? If so, it sounds like she got there first with the agreement. You should stay true to your word if you have always agreed to tell her.

I would give her lots of hints without straight up spelling it out. Plant the idea into her head so it isn't a total suprise iyswim, then you are keeping them both happy?

If you think it will ruin it for her by not telling her, then tell her. If she knows she'll be able to fake surprise it and it might go better then if she reacts badly to the surprise. And if she was serious in asking you to tell her then you really should or she will think you're loyalty is to him. My DH asked my mum's permission first but didn't say exactly when he was going to do it.

It's Tuesday. He's doing it Friday night? Saturday?

I'd just be busy until he's done it. If you haven't seen her you haven't had chance to tell her.

You get used to sitting in fences quite quickly

I am a miserable sod and I hate surprises, I hate them even more if I find out someone else knew before me!!
So I’d tell her if she has already asked you to.

Your loyalty is to your dd. Tell her.

Crikey the amount of people who'd rules-lawyer themselves out of respecting the stated preference of their daughter for the sake of what?

I 'hate' surprises, but I'd hate more for someone to ruin a proposal. She'll spend the whole time waiting for it to happen, and if something goes wrong in his planning he may decide to leave it till another time.

Jeez, that’s a difficult position, but why would you not tell her, if that’s what you both agreed?

The only way you were ever going to know a proposal was coming, was if the/any BF told you, so why are you swithering now? It’s not like he was going to mention it and say, “but it’s cool if you want to give her a heads up”.

Surely if he is asking permission etc it means a lot to him to propose traditionally. If she is not bothered and finds out she may stop him doing it his way. If she is not bothered then why ruin it for him perhaps he wants to propose the traditional way and it would mean a lot to him. She may regret taking the experience off him.