Daughter's boyfriend is going to propose this weekend he has asked me to keep secret she has always asked me to 'warn' her. What do I do

[user1471521184]

So, my daughter's long term, amazing boyfriend has just rung me to ask 'permission' to marry my daughter, I could not be happier.
The issue is he has asked me to keep this a secret, a surprise, she has always asked me to 'warn' her if he intends to propose as she hates surprises and is not fussed one way or another about marriage as they will be together for life anyway. What do I do for the best for everyone?

Isn't he aware she hates surprises?

You could tell her he's asked you, but not tell her when.

Tell him that she has always asked you to warn her, and that you're going to do the above.

the whole "not fussed one way or another" seems to me that she will certainly consider saying no.

wanting advance warning might be that she would rather have a discussion than a proposal.....none of this points to "she would be overwhelmed with joy to get a proposal" to my mind.

I'm really staggered by people saying don't tell her, you'll ruin it for him or assuming she'll be pleased!

She has said she wants to be warned.
She does not like surprises.
She is not fussed about marriage.
OP had promised not to collude in presenting her with a surprise proposal.
This has been clear.

Go back to the boyfriend and explain how she already asked you for a warning and hates surprises. Say you are going to give her a little hint and he should be aware of her not really liking surprises if he is going to marry her. Then you can tell her he has been to see you about an important matter and asked you to say no more.

I'm really staggered by people saying don't tell her, you'll ruin it for him or assuming she'll be pleased

Absolutely.

You have raised a daughter who knows her own mind and trusts you. I can't help thinking that all the suggestions to 'suggest a manicure!' 'buy a new dress!' and do a treasure hunt with clues!' are buying into the idea that all women must swoon at the thought of a proposal of marriage.

Your daughter has told you loud and clear that she feels sufficiently strongly enough about this to have given you a very specific heads-up on the issue.

In my view, it's rather disrespectful to ignore your daughter's wishes in favour of her future DH.

I'm also slightly amazed that PP are suggesting that you shouldn't tell her because it will 'spoil it' for him.

"I'm really staggered by people saying don't tell her, you'll ruin it for him or assuming she'll be pleased!"

same here. Also this idea of saying it but not saying it - the poor girl will probably go into a complete "OMD mum you have to tell me" and then might well be upset because she's faced with a decision.

and then if you can't show sympathy for that she will be entitled to be pissed off. Don't drop a stupid hint, just tell her and be prepared - she might need to talk to mum about all sorts and she should be able to do that.

Don't tell her. I would have been the same as your daughter and asked to know, but it's magic and you only get asked once!

I'd ask her again, just double check with her that she definitely wants to be warned about a proposal.

That way she might clock just from your question.

She also might realise that it's now real and (perhaps) exciting, and change her mind.

Either way, you've done as you were asked by both.

See, as conforth says. I wonder if she might reconsider once you just hint that it might actually be happening.

Corn " but it's magic and you only get asked once!"

not necessarily magic
not necessarily that you only get asked once

I have a feeling the couple in question are very young and/or haven't been together long enough, or had enough real conversations. It seems amazing that he thinks he knows her well enough to propose when it's something she doesn't want without advance warning.

" diddl I assume it's this - she hates surprises and is not fussed one way or another about marriage as they will be together for life anyway"

If they've been together a while, it shouldn't be a surprise though-unless he has always said he doesn't want to arry?

She can always say no!

It's magic and you only get asked once Pfft, I've been asked more than once, it ain't all that.

People are really projecting their own romantic views on this.

It's really patronising to suggest the dd doesn't know her own mind and would actually prefer her stated wishes to be over-ridden. It's sexist sentimental garbage. Let's assume a grown woman knows herself well enough to decide if she'd prefer a heads-up - she already has said what she wants. Respect it.

If they've been together a while, it shouldn't be a surprise though

Then why does he want it to be a surprise? She can indeed say no - but she doesn't want to be asked to! And that should be respected by the person she has specifically asked to support her in this!

"Then why does he want it to be a surprise?"

Perhaps I should have put that it might not be unexpected?

As for it being a surprise-that might just mean that he doesn't want Op to say anything?

My husband & I had talked about marriage so it wasn't unexpected that he asked but was a surprise iyswim.

Idk-I think that I'd have to tell her tbh.

I genuinely don't understand the angst. He's asking her a question. As an adult she can say yes or no. I don't really view this as a surprise, unless he plans to do it in public?

Saying that, you have to disappoint someone. I would honour the promise I made to my child, but I would give him an explanation.

I would go with her wishes.

Why are you assuming they will be together for life? No one can possibly know!

category12 puts it well.

Take the 'magical' marriage proposal out of it. What are you left with?

You made your daughter a promise, upon her request. Her future DH wants you to ignore that promise. Why on earth does his wishes trump your daughter's?

I can't help feeling as though you want to keep your 'amazing' and 'wonderful' future SiL happy and know that your relationship with your DD will survive regardless, so what's the harm?

I also think that you started this thread to help you ignore your daughter's very specific wishes and wriggle out of your promise to her.

But hey, she's a woman and will of course swoon upon receiving a 'magical' marriage proposal and forget all those silly notions of not wanting a surprise, 'cos that what women really want, right?

"You made your daughter a promise, upon her request. Her future DH wants you to ignore that promise. "

Does he know about the promise?

I am not fussed about weddings and would be horrified by a public proposal and would have asked my mum to warn me if I got on with her. I hate surprises and would have wanted to know in advance just to be prepared and not blindsided. My DH proposed and it was a surprise and I didn't really react as I was processing it- I said yes but went a bit quiet after as I just had to take it all in and think about what it meant. I was delighted but it took me a little while to absorb it- it's a big life step! I would have liked a heads up from someone who cared about me so I could have made it more special by having time to feel happy about it happening beforehand rather than being shocked into silence.

Why is he planning a surprise when she doesn't like surprises? 🤔

Anyway, since you didn't bring it up with him at the time it's only fair you warm her now. Lots of pp have suggested great ways to do just that.

Does he know about the promise?

I'm completely assuming that during the conversation with the boyfriend when he said 'promise you won't tell her', the OP DID tell him that she's already made a promise to her daughter. It would be a massive omission given the conversation!!

That said, have I assumed too much OP? Did you tell the boyfriend that you'd already made a promise?

Anyway, since you didn't bring it up with him at the time

Oh right then. I missed that.

Well, it would have been the perfect moment to mention it, I would have thought...

She's anticipated that this might happen and has already decided that she'd want to know - in that respect she has made this easy for you by telling you exactly what she wants (i.e. to be told). I don't think you can not tell her.

I suggest you speak to her partner and explain your predicament and ask how he thinks it should be resolved - if he's as nice as you say he is then you can come up with a solution that will suit both of them. Alternatively, I'd tell your daughter that he's asked for your blessing so it's going to happen soon, but you don't want to ruin it for him by telling her when/where - I'm sure she'll work it out for herself

Yes, I've changed my mind. Tell her. She did ask you to, and you said you would.

Presumably your dd will be happy that her bf has proposed. I doubt she'll have a go at you for not warning her. Im sure she'll get over it. I wouldn't mention it if it was me.