Daughter's boyfriend is going to propose this weekend he has asked me to keep secret she has always asked me to 'warn' her. What do I do

[user1471521184]

So, my daughter's long term, amazing boyfriend has just rung me to ask 'permission' to marry my daughter, I could not be happier.
The issue is he has asked me to keep this a secret, a surprise, she has always asked me to 'warn' her if he intends to propose as she hates surprises and is not fussed one way or another about marriage as they will be together for life anyway. What do I do for the best for everyone?

Ugh the dd isn't fussed about marriage and has asked to be warned. Why should her wishes be ignored and she have to get over it? Why is the boyfriend more important?!

I hate surprises so u would tell her
People close to me know I hate surprises but still think it is fun to give me surprises! Lovely in one sense but I think they don’t care as that isn’t respecting me
I don’t like surprises as I had a few too many growing up in an unstable home

So for me, if she finds out you knew it would upset her.

She may not be fussed...I presume her be knows this. If she is adamant she doesnt want to get married then she should save her by the embarrassment and tell him way beforehand. The bf is not more important.

By = bf

If you want her to continue to trust you then tell her.

Presumably your dd will be happy that her bf has proposed. I doubt she'll have a go at you for not warning her. Im sure she'll get over it. I wouldn't mention it if it was me.

That was my original feeling, but having to "get over something" related to the proposal is worse than being forewarned isn't it? It's a rare thing that a grown woman would ask her mother to tell her in advance so it must be important to her. I'd rather go along with her wishes and have the proposal be less of a dramatic occasion than not tell her and risk losing her trust.

I would offer to pay to get her nails done.

I am sure the penny would drop.

You wont technically of told her.

And she will have nice nails for the obliglatory ring photos

You wont technically of told her

In which case the OP will have failed to keep her promise to her daughter.

And she will have nice nails for the obliglatory ring photos

The OP's daughter does not sound like the kind of woman for whom this is really, really important.

I don’t get all the hand-wringing and drama, as simply put I would not break a promise made to my daughter - you seem to really like her boyfriend, and that’s nice, but she’s your child, not him.

Would you like it if your own parents or children broke promises made to you because they think they know better than you what you need?

Give your daughter the "heads up" she asked for. Its a reasonable request she made and you should fulfill it.

Wtf is all this get her a manicure business? Not all women get their nails done, not all women would link getting their nails done with a potential proposal. Not all people take ring photos, come to think of it.

The dd is someone who has specifically told her mother that if she knows the bf is going to propose to warn her. She isn't bothered about getting married.

But hey, let's ride roughshod over what the woman wants, and let's go with a surprise she doesn't want, of a proposal she'd like to know about beforehand, because the boyfriend wants it to be a surprise (and is obviously more important) and it fits with other people's ideas of romance. Who gives a fuck about what she's specifically said.

Bette davies and category my point exactly. It would be out the ordinary so I am sure the penny would drop. Spoon feeding her enough info if she desides she really doesnt want a surprise she can pry her mother further or if she thinks you know what it might be nice she can keep it too herself.

And i think there is not a woman who gets proposed to who wouldnt take a photo of the ring to show at least one friend or family member. Nothing to do with being materialistic just sharing a life moment.

I would tell the bf that you promised dd to warn her.

I think in this situation - and it is a tricky one! - my first priority would be to my daughter. She specifically asked you to be warned of this, and as she doesn't sound too bothered by the idea of marriage, it could be so that she can have an appropriate answer prepared!

She asked you to tell her, so tell her.

Although I think if she's as sensible as she sounds she may we'll be appalled that he "asked for mummy's permission". I would have been horrified if my husband had done that. A woman old enough to be proposed to is an adult able to speak for herself. Her parents do not "permit" her to marry. She is not a chattel to be passed around.

And i think there is not a woman who gets proposed to who wouldnt take a photo of the ring to show at least one friend or family member

Well, I'm one...

I was very, very happy to accept my DH's proposal and I love my ring, but I never felt compelled to take a photograph of it. Nor did I have a manicure...

Why does the penny 'need to drop'? The OP made a promise to her daughter. She should keep it, none of this 'penny dropping' and 'leaving clues.'

Spoon feeding her enough info

God. The OP should just respect her daughter's very clear wishes and tell her!

This thread is a bit unsettling in a low-key kind of way.

Have you never found out about a surprise though and the been a little bit gutted that you found out or got told. Even though you though you wanted to know.

I know I have. Just playing devils advocate.

Just say ' that issue you mentioned is here'

End of.

Just say ' that issue you mentioned is here'

I'm fairly certain: 'Your boyfriend is planning on proposing to you. I don't have any details. Just telling you like you asked me to,' would be clearer.

This thread is a bit unsettling in a low-key kind of way.

I think what bothers me about it is the sort of general ignoring of the dd's wishes: as if she doesn't matter, she'll get over it, she's being silly. Doesn't matter that the OP made an agreement with her daughter, the potential son-in-law should be pandered to first (because? ..) And of course every woman wants the big proposal, the ring, the wedding, even if she says she doesn't - it's the fairytale, as if we're all the same.

Have you never found out about a surprise though and the been a little bit gutted that you found out or got told. Even though you though you wanted to know.

No. Some people genuinely don't like surprises. I don't like surprise parties, surprise visits, and certainly not a surprise proposal. I am actually a bit stunned that people still do this kind of thing. Everyone I know reached the decision to marry through discussion that just evolved as the relationship evolved, with both raising the possibility at different times. The big surprise proposal thing is based on the notion that women are just waiting around with hope in their hearts for the man to ask them. Sexist and a bit silly in this day and age.

To be honest I'm quite surprised the OP and daughter ever discussed the topic in the first place. It would never occur to me to assume my DP would completely bypass me with no prior conversation regarding marriage, to tell my mother first.

Tell her. I'd be furious if I'd specifically asked my mum to warn me, the moment came and my mum had chosen not to warn me.

I am a bit concerned that the boyfriend doesn't know your DD hates surprises though.

"Obligatory ring photos"?

No. I've had a happy phone call from the Eiffel Tower - I know, max cheese - but no ring photos. We all see our friends' rings in person unless they live abroad maybe.