Daughter's boyfriend is going to propose this weekend he has asked me to keep secret she has always asked me to 'warn' her. What do I do

[user1471521184]

So, my daughter's long term, amazing boyfriend has just rung me to ask 'permission' to marry my daughter, I could not be happier.
The issue is he has asked me to keep this a secret, a surprise, she has always asked me to 'warn' her if he intends to propose as she hates surprises and is not fussed one way or another about marriage as they will be together for life anyway. What do I do for the best for everyone?

I'd definitely give my dd the heads up in such a scenario, surely your first loyalty should be to your dd.

I would say: ‘DD you know you asked me to tell you if X was going to propose? Does that still stand?’

If she says absolutely yes, you can give her a wink; if she says no you can fudge that your question was rhetorical; but either way she has a hint it might be coming so can prepare herself (which it seems she wants) but you haven’t ‘told’ her.

How exciting!

Why don't you suggest she should get a manicure for the weekend and see if she takes the hint.

If you do decide to drop hints make sure they can be picked up.

When DH proposed to me he spoke to my parents first (not so much to ask permission, more to get some help with some of the logistics, and also to assure them that he wasn't doing it to avoid a shotgun wedding - I was 3 months pregnant at the time)

Dmum asked me about 3 times the week before whether I was going to get a manicure before I went. All I thought was "why on earth is mum wittering on about manicures, she thinks they are a waste of money and she knows that I always get my hair done if I want to treat myself before going away"

Was a complete and utter surprise (and I nearly spoiled it all by refusing to leave the hotel for dinner as I was watching Ireland beat England at Rugby at Croke Park). Although it could be because I'm a bit slow on the uptake!

Could you tell her but discuss why maybe he should be allowed to proceed with his 'surprise' plans to avoid ruining it for him?

cross post Suzelle!

No, actually I am not! They have just returned from travelling for a year in December, they stayed with us as a family at Christmas, and I have seen her a few times since as they live 70 miles from me and they have amazingly complicated lives and I am studying for a degree!
Hardly overly involved, just a loving caring family who support each other either
apart or together!

Exactly what ElQuinto said.

I think you sound like a nice family! And not too involved at all.

I don't see how telling her would ruin the proposal - I hate surprises and I'd be much happier looking forward to it happening if I knew it was coming.

God I wouldn't tell her. What if he bottles it and she's expecting a proposal? (I'm sure he won't but you never know!!)

Please warn her if her disliking of surprises is so strong.
If she isn't fussed about marriage either this could backfire on you.

I hope all goes well, and she accepts

My first loyalty would be my DD.

Plus I know you said she's not fussed about marriage, but I'd imagine he's felt her out on the subject. Or at least dropped hints regarding ring styles or something. I'm genuinely curious how many men just go for a proposal without testing the water first?

Tell her.
You are a Dad, right?
If my DP did something like ask my father’s permission to marry me and my father then colluded man to man to keep the very secret I had asked him not to, I would probably not speak to either ever again.

I don’t see a dilemma here at all.

She specifically asked you to warn her and you agreed to do so.

Proposals are rarely a true surprise anyway.

Oh that is very tricky.

My hunch is that she probably would prefer the surprise and will regret her request, but on the off chance she doesn't, she's been very clear. And rightly could feel very let down and hurt.

When did she last talk to you about this? Any chance it was years ago and you can justifiably believe she's changed her mind?

If you can get away with it, I might bring up the conversation with her again. Progressively go through... have her views have changed since you last talked; what if her partner had asked you not to say anything to her; if she might feel sad knowing about a proposal from you before knowing from him. If she sticks to her tune then you might have to tell her.

Tell your daughter!why would you even think of prioritising her boyfriends wishes over hers?!?!?!

My hunch is that she probably would prefer the surprise and will regret her request

I'd say it's more likely that she still knows her own mind. Nothing would piss me off more than people presuming that I'd like a surprise after all if I had explicitly told them otherwise.

DO NOT TELL HER !
I hate surprises but am so glad my proposal was unexpected. Even if it meant I didn't have my nails done ! I didn't mind as it was such a special moment. It's not like he's organised an orchestra and fly past is it....

Your first mistake was not telling the BF that you couldn't keep the secret, as you have always promised your DD that you would tell her.

Call him back and say that he has put you in an awkward situation, as she has specifically made you promise in the past that you would tell her if you knew. And agree with him what you are going to do: personally I think your promise to your DD comes first in every sense

I wouldn't tell her. It should 've the person she's marrying telling her, not her parent.

Keep your promise to your daughter.

I'd ask her whether her views still stand and then hint heavily if need be so she guesses. You have to hand on heart be able too say you didn't tell but obviously you need to honour your promise to her to let her know.

Talk to her partner. Say "You do know that DD hates surprises so much she has me to warn her if you plan a surprise proposal? You've put me in a lovely, but very tricky position. How can we handle this so DD doesn't feel either of us have let her down?"
Encourage him to talk to her himself sooner rather than later.