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Original poster

Daughter's boyfriend is going to propose this weekend he has asked me to keep secret she has always asked me to 'warn' her. What do I do

186 replies

user1471521184 · 20/03/2018 20:56

So, my daughter's long term, amazing boyfriend has just rung me to ask 'permission' to marry my daughter, I could not be happier.
The issue is he has asked me to keep this a secret, a surprise, she has always asked me to 'warn' her if he intends to propose as she hates surprises and is not fussed one way or another about marriage as they will be together for life anyway. What do I do for the best for everyone?

OP posts:

mrd · 20/03/2018 23:32

Tell him you'll have to tell her if he wants to go ahead. He can re-arrange and not tell you when.

cheeseismydownfall · 20/03/2018 23:35

What gunpowder said. Check - as casually as you can - if she still feels the same.

If she is adamant that she wants to be forewarned, then I think you should find a way to tell her. But I would tell her partner first. Good luck!

windchimesabotage · 20/03/2018 23:35

Id tell her as your loyalty is to her... but id warn him you are going to do that first.

BlankTimes · 20/03/2018 23:37

Tell him about how she hates surprises, and let him proceed at his own, now informed, risk.

kennypppppppp · 21/03/2018 00:00

Accidentally show her this thread?!?

honeyroar · 21/03/2018 00:08

Very tough! Either way you let someone down. I think you should have said to him at the time that she has always asked you to tell her because she hates surprises.

ThatItIs · 21/03/2018 00:17

This is an impossible question 😂😂

I think I'd go for the half way option suggested above.

I'd as good as tell her without actually telling her.

PastaOfMuppets · 21/03/2018 00:21

PPs urging you not to tell her are thinking not of what your DD would like but of what they personally would have liked.

You know what your DD would like you to do in this situation; she has told you, very clearly, that she would want you to tell her.

Who do you think knows your DD better, PPs or your DD? Who do you want to be happy? Why would you not do what your DD has always asked you to do, because a bunch of strangers would like a surprise proposal (which is not what your DD would want)?

There are lots of ways you can 'tell' her without 'telling' her.

almondcroissantplease · 21/03/2018 00:40

I know what you do! Call her in the morning and ask her if he proposed last night. She will say no, and you say that last night you had a really weird dream about him proposing and it was so realistic and now you have a funny feeling that he will do very soon so maybe she should get a manicure and pack a nice outfit just in case...just to humour you and your superstitions..lol

RavenclawRealist · 21/03/2018 00:49

I think if she has asked for warning and you have agreed you should tell her! You know her best but it will come out you knew. I would be upset if my mum backed out of agreement we had made even if it was with the best of intentions. Whatever you do don't lie you know what is coming either tell her or don't but don't lie that will make a difficult situation worse in my experience.

AjasLipstick · 21/03/2018 00:59

Tell her! She's your DD....he's not first in your concerns.

AbsolutelyCorking · 21/03/2018 01:03

You have to tell her or your DD won’t trust you again.

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 01:09

If you tell her will she tell him she knows? Thus causing friction between you?
Or if it doesn’t go to plan or he decided a to do it another day etc
Also would she feel on edge waiting to be surprised?
I think you should tell him that she’s always told you to tell her and see if you can work something out.

Terftastic · 21/03/2018 01:15

I'd tell her - she's your dd, and she specifically asked you to.

I'd ask her not to let on I'd told her though - as he'd asked me to keep it secret (what a tangled web )

Fatandfrigid · 21/03/2018 01:22

Don’t tell her

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2018 01:37

@user1471521184 I completely agree with OlennasWimple.

I really think your loyalty should be to your daughter.

Does he not realise she doesn't like surprises?

user1486956786 · 21/03/2018 01:39

I'd only tell her IF he's going to do it publicly or in a way she may feel uncomfortable / embarrassed with the attention.

If it's just going to be one on one, let it be a surprise.

Just make sure she's got her nails done nice if possible - if she is into having her nails done.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 21/03/2018 01:45

Why don't you suggest she should get a manicure for the weekend and see if she takes the hint

I would just wonder what tf was wrong with my nails.

Tell the bf about your promise to your daughter. Tell your daughter. If he's such a good egg, he'll understand.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/03/2018 02:10

Tell the bf about your promise to your daughter. Tell your daughter. If he's such a good egg, he'll understand.

He could be the very best egg and still feel pissed off that he shared something with his soon to be MIL who wants to ruin his surprise...

OP I think the best way to deal with this is to speak to him but not to say you're about to grass him up! Explain the promise you made, and just ask him to not tell her that he told you. It never happened. Then there's nothing to spoil. OR ask him to give her notice of the proposal himself? On a weekend day he goes out, sends her a text to tell her to go downstairs, there's a letter on the table with a box. Box contains a nice dress, the letter has instructions. And she goes to meet him at some spot special to them. Then she knows and can enjoy the experience.

AssassinatedBeauty · 21/03/2018 02:16

Of course you tell your daughter. She specifically asked you to, for a reason. Why would you not tell her? The boyfriend surely must realise your first priority is your daughter. Asking your permission first is also weird. Presuming your DD is over 18 of course.

sycamore54321 · 21/03/2018 02:21

In my experience, having gone through the "marrying years" recently in my social circle, it is extremely unusual for someone to specifically ask their parents to tell them, in the way your daughter has. I would aim to respect her wishes as best you can.

If you want a slight fudge, I'd ring her and say "do you remember when you asked me to do something if your boyfriend told me he was going to propose to you? Do you still feel that way?" Then if she doesn't want blatant confirmation, she can brush it off. Or if she does she can say "yes, why?" And off you go.

I would think it very shoddy if I had raised this issue with my parent and when the exact scenario that I had discussed arose, my parent chose to disregard my wishes. She obviously has her reasons. It's very odd for her to have asked you. Your loyalty to her boyfriend should not override your express and very clear agreement with your daughter.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 21/03/2018 02:26

He could be the very best egg and still feel pissed off that he shared something with his soon to be MIL who wants to ruin his surprise...

The daughter sharing something with her mother might feel pissed off that her wishes were ignored.

It's not about ruining 'his' surprise. The OP's daughter has specifically said that she doesn't want one.

SenecaFalls · 21/03/2018 02:36

it is extremely unusual for someone to specifically ask their parents to tell them, in the way your daughter has

I agree, but then again, I would be very displeased if my partner approached my parents first, as it would be my permission he needs, not theirs. In this case, I think it possible that the DD does not want a big dramatic proposal and maybe wants to head it off with foreknowledge. I would tell her.

elQuintoConyo · 21/03/2018 07:13

It doesn't seem like the boyfriend knows your daughter very well.

TammyWhyNot · 21/03/2018 07:21

Tell him of the promise you made your Dd and explain her wish to avoid surprises / public surprises.

I hope he isn’t suggesting a public proposal! God, asking a parent before your partner, asking in public: how much more of an object could he make her?

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