Daughter's boyfriend is going to propose this weekend he has asked me to keep secret she has always asked me to 'warn' her. What do I do

[user1471521184]

So, my daughter's long term, amazing boyfriend has just rung me to ask 'permission' to marry my daughter, I could not be happier.
The issue is he has asked me to keep this a secret, a surprise, she has always asked me to 'warn' her if he intends to propose as she hates surprises and is not fussed one way or another about marriage as they will be together for life anyway. What do I do for the best for everyone?

If it was that big a deal to her not to be proposed to then she should have this convo with her bf. She wants him to be her lifelong partner married or not so she should be able to tell him surely. I assume she's not a child 🙄

" It would never occur to me to assume my DP would completely bypass me with no prior conversation regarding marriage, to tell my mother first."

I know!

And if daughter wants "warning"-is she worried that there's something going to happen that she won't want to be part of?

If my husband had asked permission & there had been a "big deal" made of the proposal (ie he hadn't just asked me in private) it would have had to have been a no for both of those reasons!

surprises me how many of you would say no because he mentioned it your parents, or didn't do it in a way you wanted or liked.

Do you really want to marry these men anyway if issues like that are a dealbreaker?

Men don’t ask permission these days because they actually want permission.

They ask because it’s traditional and they think their future in laws will like it and it will get them brownie points.

My DH didn’t ask my Dad’s permission because he knew I wouldn’t like it.

"Do you really want to marry these men anyway if issues like that are a dealbreaker?"

Well if mine had asked permission/made a big deal of the proposal it would have meant that he either didn't know me or did but didn't care!

So why would I have said yes??

@ OP.

You should tell your daughter. She cannot be annoyed if you do, because she is the one who asked you to.

I sort of understand why you'd feel torn, since her DP is so excited & has sought your blessing, and a lot of people would love the surprise - but as others have said, you did promise your daughter you'd let her know and you should definitely honour that. She has made it clear by asking you that she would not want this to be a surprise. My mum is my best friend and I'd be furious if she broke my trust over something like this.

Also to PP's who have mentioned it - some people like the idea of their DP seeking parental approval first. Some don't. No need to bash it either way, it is a personal preference.

user when did you and your DD discuss you warning her about any impending marriage proposals? When she was 10? or when she really thought that the man she was dating could be at some point in the future be her husband and that would mean a proposal?

If it was the former, no, i wouldn't tell her. If the later, then yes i would.

Did you discuss with her how this might pan out - mum, let me know if BF is going to propose as i ahte surprises. But daughter, what if he's come to me in confidence. Well still tell me and we'll pretend i don't know. OK

What was discussed between you both?

Seriously if I had said TELL ME MUM about this exact thing and my Mum didn’t tell me, I’d be SO fucked off. Is everyone assuming that the sheer joy of being proposed to is going to top a lifelong dislike of surprises, to the extent that she has specially asked you to tell her, then sure, don’t tell her.

Sorry darling, I surely know you better than you know yourself so I invalidated everything you previously said and I agreed on.

But you’re engaged so yay!

Oh dear OP, that is a predicament and I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes.

I'd like to let you know though that I had a very similar attitude to your daughter.

I was never fussed about marriage. Honestly thought it didn't matter to me. I hate surprises and being the centre of attention, and didn't think being married meant anything to me..

When my DP (now DH) asked my mum and dad's permission to propose (despite me being 42 )- they both thought I might say no. They knew I loved him fiercely but thought I may well prefer not to get married.

When DH proposed it was a complete, total, utter shock. The biggest surprise of my life. I was instantly over the moon, said yes, mumbled a lot of stuff and burst into happy tears.

It was a special moment, one I will always treasure- and would have been different if I'd known.

DP proposed in our hotel room, this worked for me as we were alone. I'd have felt very self-conscious in public.

Maybe you could ask DD's BF if he'd consider proposing somewhere private and tell DD that you compromised by making sure it was a private moment to make the surprise a little easier?

Oh dear he has really put you on the spot hasn’t he? You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. No words of advice just sympathy.

I'm with IamPickleRick, if I had asked you to do that and you decided my boyfriend's wishes were more important than mine or if you decided you knew how I felt about it more than I do, I'd never trust you with anything like that again.

Not being hyperbolic at all. I don't tell my mom a lot of what goes on even when she asks because of stuff like that; she has her own agenda and loyalties, I come pretty far down the list.

We are all also assuming she wants to know because she hates surprises. It may be that she doesn’t want to get married at all, will say no, and wants to save the poor lad some embarrassment. Or wants time to formulate her answer before being publicly railroaded in to it.

Dear god, it's NOT a predicament. Why would she have specifically asked you if she didn't mean it?

OP - I think you should tell her. But - I think she should have already had discussion with her BF about this. I don't think proposals should be such a surprise - it should be a joint discussion.

Posted too soon. BF should know she hates this sort of thing. You shouldn't need to know til after the event.

Don't tell her, it will be lovely I think she will want to know until she actually knows, if that makes sense!

"DD I'm just reading this post on mumsnet where her daughters boyfriend is going to propose and the daughter wanted to be forewarned. Loads of posters have said that she should keep it secret, since you're in the same boat as her daughter what are your thoughts on this?"

If she says keep it secret then don't tell her, if she says "gosh I wish people would just listen to their daughter's wishes" then tell her.

Your daughter's wishes trump everything else here, just from your OP. It's a no brainer.

Be warned-my mother and my sister have form all through my life for going back on their word in relation to things that are important to me.
I am no contact with my mother, and very low contact with my sister, partly because of their 'we know better than you about you' attitude.

That’s neat Dobby. I’m in the “if my mum promised she’d tell me and then didn’t because she thought she knew best I’d kill her” camp, but your idea is a genuinely good compromise if she’s still not sure about simply doing as her DD specifically asked.

Not RTFT yet but i don't get these modern day proposals. Don't couples discuss their long term plans and marriage? Are there lots of educated, independent women just waiting for men to take charge and ask for their hand in marriage whilst the woman squeals in surprise and waves her (hopefully) manicured figures?

That's a good idea Dobby

She probably got chased off by the OTT and over invested responses. Happens a lot.

What if he changes his mind, or decides to do it a different way. I know I did. Then it becomes even more of a mess.

What do people mean by not liking surprises. Opening a Christmas/Birthday presents is a surprise, your partner buying flowers randomly is a surprise etc etc.