Putting children first and spouse ermm last

[Dxbdad]

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

Just for context...what would you say you do for your wife to make her feel appreciated and loved?

What is it that she used to do but doesn't anymore?

How much parenting do you do? How many chores? I’m sure you must understand that the early years are the most time consuming.

Your oldest will soon be in school and it should get easier. How does your DW feel? Have you talked about doing things together, or doing something for her?

I know a lot of people think its important that kids come first, but as you've found, in the long run this can mean that they end up in a miserable family or even with divorced parents, which is not the happy outcome the parents were aiming for when they decided "kids come first". The DCs' needs should come first, but that doesn't mean you two should never get time without them to be a couple.

You need to talk to your DW about what it would take for the two of you to find your relationship mojo again. I'm presuming you've talked but it needs to be a positive even tempered talk, not "wah, what about me!"

Do you have nights out at all? Find a reliable local teenager who can babysit for a few quid and make time for the two of you.

With such little children I imagine it's still pretty full on as a stay at home mum - she probably feels like she spends all day taking care of other people's needs, do you take care of hers?

Once they go to school life will become a bit easier for your DW but in the meantime you need to wash her away with love and affection and see if that makes any difference. If not then it may be that you have to accept you've grown apart, but believe me, the grass isn't any greener when you're dating someone else with DCs and having to juggle access and finances etc. Don't leap out of the frying pan into the fire for the chance of a bit of sex.

If your DW is a SAHM to two pre-school children her entire life is about doing things for other people. She is on duty from early morning, to late at night, with no opportunity for a mental break. It is draining. When the dcs finally go to sleep the last thing she is going to want to do is start concentrating of paying you attention. She'll want some personal space, for herself.

People who work out of the home don't get this. It doesn't matter how tough your job is, or how long your hours, you still get time to yourself. No one follows you into the loo. You can walk to the coffee machine, or go out and buy a sandwich.

As suggested upthread, share the mental load, and then she will have time and energy for you. I get where she is coming from. When I've had the dcs all day for days on end, in the evening I want to have a bath and read a book, not start catering to my DH's needs.

I get what you are saying but when was the last time you booked a babysitting and booked something up? Took her to the movies or out for dinner? You doing all the arranging? You could just get stuck in to help. Having young kids is hard and demotivating and like Groundhog Day. When was the last time you booked a day off work (as a surprise) and took over for the day? Told her to stay in bed and sorted the kids out for the entire day. Ran her a bath and told her “day off time”...Doing all of those things on a semi regular basis is going to likely get you what you want. Happy wife and happy life. In a few years when life is calmer, she can look back and think “yes he did that for me. Wow what a guy” or you can just seethe away with resentment. It’s up to you. That’s the thing. You’ve got the power to change this.

You may have served your purpose buddy! Happens a lot. Happened to me. It was shite for 9 years until I couldn’t take it anymore. I did loads around the house, put the kids to bed, complimented her, always tried to keep the romance going. What did I get back....nothing. She was happy slobbing around in front of the tv watching shite programme after shite programme. It’s horrible. We had loads of chats but nothing ever changed. Hopefully yours will be more receptive to talking.

Some women change totally when kids come along. Yours might be one of them. Be prepared!

Firstly, thank you all!

About some of the suggestions regarding babysitting and night outs etc - DW does not trust anyone with the kids and finds it inappropriate to leave kids even with their grandparents (to me this is crazy)

About helping her around - I come home and make sure I take over and give my full attention to DCs - I read them books, help them with dinner and take them out for a walk or to the park. I have also suggested getting someone to help her out with the house work etc

I booked two surprised holidays to give her a break but it was full of constant complaints about “not thinking about kids and being selfish because my son was picky and didn’t eat as much as he would normally do”
I have tried speaking to her and all I get is a push back or an extremely off-putting response and I am begining to accept this as reality. Inhate the feeling of being taken for granted because I am choosing to do what I feel is right for the family unit.

I know grass is not always greener on the other side but living with someone and feeling so distant and alone is not the life that I thought I would have.

I am going to give it one year - when kids are at school to see if that changes anything. Trying to be patient for the sake of DCs. If she gave me 10 mins a day I won’t feel this way, but I have reached a point where I can’t force myself to ask her for it.

Maybe the breaks away where a bit “0-60”?

And a fussy eater is no fun on holiday. In fact, kids on holiday is ‘same shit different duvet!’

How is she when you and she are co-parenting at the weekend/on you days off. Are you cooperating with her routines? It’s frustrating if someone comes in and ‘helps’ without following the routines and how she does things.

Do you ask if it is better for you to mop or read to the kids? Or do you just swoon in and ‘help’ the expert?

Of course it is crazy to you to find leaving the kids hard, you do t every day. It is the most natural thing in the world for you. Not saying she should t work on it, but Dh thinking you are cray-cray doesn’t make you feel the love...

Sound like you are the sole bread winner and so you think she should be grateful. I hate this attitude.

Apparently I am the “one of the best dads” she has seen. I always ask what I could do to help during weekdays and also at the weekends - Not sure what more to offer.

It’s really hard to keep on going when you are absolutely certain of not even getting a single phrase of real appreciation.

I am going to give my all for the kids and see how things develop once kids are at school.

Ah it sounds hard. It is hard when they’re little but yours aren’t that little. My youngest is 3 and I really feel out of the baby stage and in ‘normal’ life.

If life is pretty 50:50 when you’re both there it’s tricky to know what to suggest. What’s it like when the kids are asleep and it’s just the two of you?

It’s really hard to keep on going when you are absolutely certain of not even getting a single phrase of real appreciation.

What, like, for example, “you are one of the best dads she has seen” ...?

You being the breadwinner is irrelevant, your job doing that is equally as important as your DW's job of main child rearer.

I would also like to say that holidays generally aren't holidays when you have small children. It's the same stuff but without the convenience of having all the items you would have at home for each situation. Holidays are not relaxing and won't be for a while yet.

I won't leave my DC with their grandparents either, your wife isn't 'crazy' to not want to do that. I do not trust any set to listen to how the DC should be looked after based on what they have said or how they have acted previously.

What happens in the evening, what's your timeline like? Is it possible that your DW is feeling just as distant from you and is stressed about how to deal with it?

What would your DW say is the most difficult part of her day/week?

Would she consider some form of counselling? You can get Skype counselling once the children are in bed so that she doesn't need to get anxious about leaving them anywhere.

Please don't just say you're giving it a year to see what happens, your wife needs to be aware that you're worried about your relationship, you need to give yourselves a good chance to reestablish it.

What is/was your in laws relationship like? Is she following a pattern she saw growing up in her own home

@nottakenusername - that comment was 3 years ago I think

@gummgoddess - I got the bit about holidays and never repeated it again.
I am usually home by 6pm and then spend some time with kids until they hit bed at 8. The bit that I find really hard to deal with is that my wife never initiates a conversation - if she was stressed about the state of our relationship then I would expect her to raise a concern or perhaps discuss things and try and address the issues. Why can’t people tackle problems instead of avoiding them?

My suggestion of counselling was laughed at and hence I never suggested that again.
She is aware of what I think of our relationship and yet there hasn’t been any real effort to turn things around and this is what shocks me.

@appleandpears- her parents look to have a normal relationship but I flund out that they don’t sleep together and have been sleeping separately for years. So not sure how this could have a direct impact

Maybe she doesn’t think it anymore then? Maybe she just said it because you looked cute holding a little baby but when it comes to the mundane nitty gritty, she has found you lacking?
She used to be willing to compliment you, so either you have changed, she has changed or you both have changed...

One thing I‘ve always found telling

Does she refer to the children as ‘my’ children or ‘our’ children?

Bottom line, family comes first. And frankly at 3 and 4 yrs not to want a baby sitter is batshit crazy, they are not toddlers.

She's shattered,touched out etc. Your kids are tiny and very close together. They are literally her world.

Things will get better. It's good that you spend a few hours with the kids every evening but maybe you could take over the cooking a few nights a week? Let her enjoy the kids without having to be on duty. Make sure that you clean up after the meal too.

Mums have a million plates to spin when kids are young and they just need someone to take over a couple of those just so that they don't have to think.of everything.

For example, mothers day is the only day of the year when I don't have to think about feeding the kids and us. Every day, whether I have to.shop for and cook for the 5-6 of us or decide that well eat out or have a takeaway. Then I have to prepare, cook, serve and clean it away. Every day. On top of all the other chores that fall on me. I work from home but the odd time that I've been away working it has felt like a holiday, even though I worked 12 hour days. Far more of a holiday than going on holiday with my family! When my kids were younger I refused to go on some holidays because I couldn't relax having to watch them not drown or get taken at the beach or having to entertain them in a hotel if it was bad weather etc. That was on top of all.the prep and packing of young children.

So try taking over some of the mental load. Don't ask her what needs doing, you're an adult, you'll be able to see if the washing need doing or ironing or putting away etc. Look around you and see how you can help out, truly help out. Make some of techies your responsibility so she knows she does t have to do all of it. It'll make a massive difference to her.

8 does seem a bit late to go to bed, you must not have very much childfree time in the evenings unless you go to bed very late?

What do you both do between 8 and 6? I feel my timeline is equally shared between me and DH. He comes home and we both spend time with DC after he's got changed/bathroom/etc. He then disappears to make dinner for DC and then sits with him while he eats and I have a break. Then I come back and DH has a break (sometimes DC will be bathed in this time but he isn't bathed every single day). Then either DH or me will take it in turns to put DC to bed at 7 and usually have free time from half 7 daily.

With a 3 and 4 year old I imagine she is rather stressed dealing with them all day, do they go to nursery or anything?

She was very unkind to laugh at the suggestion to go to counselling and I think you should bring it up again, but also tell her that you felt hurt that she laughed at you before.

I always ask what I could do to help during weekdays and also at the weekends - Not sure what more to offer.

Perhaps after telling two small people what to do all day she doesn't want to have to tell a grown adult what to do.

DH is only just starting to notice what needs doing, lucky as I was getting fed up of telling him. When the washing basket is full, there's washing to fold and put away, the dishwasher needs emptying or stacking and there's no food in the house no one should be 'asking' what to do- just do it.

She is aware of what I think of our relationship and yet there hasn’t been any real effort to turn things around

Surprisingly if you get so exasperated that you decide you've had enough...she'll soon change her ways.

The early years can be difficult. Holidays and packing things for kids is stressful...especially when it falls to one person.

I agree that not letting grandparents babysit...as long as they are responsible adults is ridiculous.

If you never get any time to be alone or have a night out..the relationship will just die a natural death.

Couples need to invest time in each other...not just the kids...because dealing with divorce and blended families isn't a lot of fun.

If any party feels neglected ...the marriage will inevitably suffer.

Have you tried getting her something like a spa day or massage on the weekend so she gets a break from the kids?

You need to tell her you are unhappy and if she doesn't agree to counselling then you know she's not serious about your marriage so you will need to act on that accordingly.

It sounds like she got what she wanted i.e. Children, not having to work etc and so no longer has to make the effort now.

You can still be an amazing parent even if you split up. You are the role model as well for your children, is this how you want to model a relationship to them? Life is very short and if you are unhappy then make the changes you need to sort that out.

Yes to not asking what to 'help' with. You are just doing a normal adult chore, you're not helping because it's not someone else's sole responsibility.

Just look around and see what needs to be done, you don't need to ask. Drives me mad if DH asks, so now he just does something instead.

The thing that stands out for me is that you ask what you can do to help. Don’t ask, just do. You can see as well as she can what needs to be done - so just do it. Wash the dishes, put the laundry in, clean the bathroom. My husband doesn’t ask me because I am not the head housekeeper and I don’t have some magic chip in my brain that lets me know what housework needs to be done. Previous partners have ‘helped’ me around the house and it has driven me crazy. It’s not ‘my’ house to run, it’s ours and we both need to take responsibility and that includes noticing what needs to be done.

We also both have our specific areas which we’re in charge of. I’m in charge of laundry, cleaning the bedrooms and hoovering. He’s in charge of doing the dishes, cleaning the fridge and doing the bathroom. I find if these things are kept on top of then the house runs ok. Maybe work out something like that.

It sounds like she got what she wanted i.e. Children, not having to work etc and so no longer has to make the effort now.

I think this is spot on,

It never ceases to amaze me that all the excuses MN posters will make for a mother behaving badly towards a spouse yet when a father so much as has a lie-in at the weekend- he's a lazy bastard. Who you should leave immediately.
Majority of women in this country are quite able to work OR be a sahm without making their partners feel shit.

I think you could get up at 5am, play with kids, bring wife a cup of tea. Drop kids at nursery work all day, come home , cook tea and put to bed and STILL be in the wrong with both your wife AND MN. !
Give it six months with kids at school, then tell her she can have all the 'alone time' she wants.

Sounds to me like you are the 'lifestyle facilitator ' and sperm donator. Who's presence is no longer required.
Sorry but I think you would have a much happier quality of life with shared care and a girlfriend who wants to spend time with you.