Putting children first and spouse ermm last

[Dxbdad]

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

I've know women like this

Once they go down the 'martyr' road you can't get them back. The partner is left scurrying around like a caretaker to the woman's moods

Usually they develop depression as they give so much to the kids and lose themselves then the partner is left dealing with that

Sorry no advice just want to empathise. This s why my DH said he would never marry a woman who wanted to be a housewife or SAHM.

IMO Tom what I've seen it's a big gamble from the mans point of view as a sizeable proportion of women do turn into martyrs or depressed.

Yes, she won’t even allow the grandparents to babysit. So instead of trying to understand that, work on it, and move forward, OP finds criticising and name calling (crazy, to be specific) is a more appropriate reaction...

I always ask what I could do to help

Maybe that's the proiblem. Your wife does what needs to be done without asking you what she can do to help. You live there too; you can see what needs to be done. Why not just do something, instead of asking?

If she really doesn't want to talk about your relationship and how she feels about you, then that's difficult. It doesn't sound like a very fun way to live. Can you sit down and have an honest chat with her, tell her how you're feeling and that you're close to leaving her, and see what she says?

ItStarted are you suggesting that the op organises a child free surprise weekend away, leaving children who have never been cared for by anyone else even for an evening, without consulting the wife who has so far been wary of using babysitters and upset by the fact that the op previously organised suprise holidays without considering the needs of the preschool children and without asking her whether she would enjoy that holiday?

The OP seems to do what he thinks should "work" without treating his wife as an equal and actually listening to her.

It's all very well to talk and do things for and to people, but nothing will ever work unless you listen .

We have lots of holidays and breaks as a family - we discuss every stage of the planning and rethink things in the light of one another's opinions. Inflicting one person's unilateral plans on the others is not conductive to general happiness unless you know that the others absolutely love surprises, which many people don't especially if they're actually thoughtless because the other people haven't been considered as the complex individuals they are at all, but just as a hallmark category (women should want X - if you provide X they should be grateful as and fawn over you).

I don't think you should wait a year you need to do something now. The only thing that will happen in this year is that the situation will be a year older imho and thus even more entrenched . Good luck OP

She has seen her parents model a functional but separate life, can you really not see how that directly affects her?

Counselling is necessarily. Maybe she laughed as laughing can be a cover up for true feelings of worry and hurt. Let her laugh and sit with it and repeat yourself- we need help to get back on track, to find a way to work together. I want this marriage to work but I cannot continue like this.

What about a shared interest that you could focus on together (other than the children)? Doesn't need to be anything big or even something out the house. maybe a tv programme/box set you could both take the time to sit and watch together? You get the kids to bed, orgainise a cup of tea or glass of wine and sit on the sofa and enjoy a bit of chill time doing the same thing.

I'd go to counselling myself to work out what I needed to do to move forward.

How much time does your wife get for herself? It's not leisure time for her if the kids are with babysitters but she's still got to pay attention to you - and quite probably worry about how long it will be before you get your dick out.
Does she have time to go out with her friends/do a yoga class/wander round the shops by herself? If she is dealing with either DC or your demands for attention all the time other than when she sleeps, it's not surprising she's burned out.

(And 'watching shit tv shows at home' doesn't count, because either you or DC will be there, expecting something from her every few minutes.)

Maybe she laughed at the counselling idea because they don't have a babysitter!

That's an example of the op not actually genuinely listening isn't it?

There can be all sorts of reasons grandparents aren't realistic choices as babysitters - perhaps they were terrible parents, perhaps just don't want to, perhaps they don't actually pay any attention to the kids and the kid's don't really know them or feel comfortable with them, perhaps they are chain smokers or smoker around the children, heavy drinkers, have dodgy partners they are joined at the hip with, have very flakey unsafe ideas such as car seats being a fussy modern idea and unnecessary...) Of course there might be no good reason, but has the op listened to why his wife doesn't think grandparents babysitting is an option?

Op, what do you want from your wife? Can you describe it? Appreciation means different things to different people so don't assume. You might need to tell her explicitly.

Also what does your family and friends think? What was your childhood like? I am not trying to men bash but your post suggests you feel a void which maybe isn't completely related to your dw.

Also please don't think grass is greener, sure you could leave, get a gf and have the children part time.Many men however regret the decision as the cost to them is high, emotionally and financially.
Relationships evolve and change and both parties need to put in effort to understand their spouse.Otherwise it will happen again with a new partner.

Lastly, I think its really important for you that you let go of resentment, its only ever a downwards spiral and a highly negative emotion.
Try and look at the situation positively, notice what your dw does do for you.Maybe she is disinterested and lazy but you say that its been this way since the birth of dc which suggests you have struggled with sharing your dw.I get that you miss her and need her attention but separating may not get you the happiness you want.

Try again with counselling, definitely go on your own as it will help you define your needs.

I completely agree with everything @starlightmeteorite said as it’s exactly how I feel. I need to show that meaaage to my dh as he really doesn’t understand!

message*

Nethuns and pistonheads...backs out of thread s l o w l y...

The only way to get to the bottom of this problem is to find out why you wife is behaving as she is. The only way to find out is to talk to each other. You will never know what can be done to sort this out otherwise. But if she is not prepared to discuss it, or to open up to you (in private or via counselling) then it very difficult to suggest what can be done to improve the situation. You are stumbling blindly along if you don't know what's going on in her head. Try again to get her sit down and open up to you, be absolutely clear that you feel there is a wall between you and you want to know how to get back to how you used to be together, or as near it as possible with kids in the equation. If she isn't willing to try then I think you need to ask if she has thought about separating and see what her reaction is. Maybe she is already thinking about it herself, or if not how is she expecting to continue with things the way that they are? Has she got her head buried in the sand? If she has an issue with you she needs to tell you otherwise you can't take steps to do anything about it.

It doesn't sound like you have much affection for who your Wife has evolved to be, more you're clinging on to the idea of who she was when she was younger and you were childhood sweethearts. I imagine she's well aware of that and finds it hurtful.

She will also be aware of your attitude to being the breadwinner, why do you feel the need to point that out? She cares for your two young children and house full time. You're a team, or should feel that way.

Is it really crazy she isn't happy to leave the kids with grandparents, are they fully capable? A 3 and 4 year old can be a handful and aren't fully independent, still need some help with self care and fully fit carers to run round after them. I'll happily leave my teen daughter with my parents but not my younger three as I know it's too much for them.

Even if we could afford it I wouldn't want DH to book us a surprise holiday for a 'break' for me, that would be more work than home A morning where he looks after the children so I can get a yearly haircut/shop for clothes without just grabbing things off supermarket rails before my youngest gets fed up/sit in a cafe with time to finish my coffee at leisure without having to down it scalding hot/read a book would be perfect.

I wouldn't suggest giving it a year and then expecting everything to change when they're at school, Infant school age children still need a lot of support then there's after school and weekend clubs and activities. That doesn't last forever and before you know it they're teens and you'd love it if they'd give you more than one word answers Try and take real joy in your young family, don't wish the time away.

However if you've fallen out of love with your Wife and decide to leave be honest about that. Don't try and put the blame on her, her priorities are correct with such young children.

Whilst you cannot force anybody (nor should you) to change themselves or follow a particular course of action, you do have agency over what YOU find acceptable. She cannot force you to stay either if it's making you unhappy. That way lies, depression, low self esteem and feeling worthless. The one thing I learned from my breakup is that moving forward, one way or the other, is a huge emotional boost, gives you momentum and drive and lifts you from the rutt you are currently in. I'd have to say if I hadn't have left I'd have been in serious trouble mentally, so for me getting out was the only option.
It may well be the toughest period of your life, but ultimately you will be far better off for it, that is of course if she doesn't want to, or is unwilling to meet you halfway to fix the problems.
Stay strong OP...

@RainyApril - Fantastic advice! Thank you!

Thanks to all of you for all the suggestions and bit of dad bashing.

Those of you who think DW is lazy - she is not! She puts in an incredible amount of effort in to our kids.
Secondly, about leaving DC’s with GPs - they are both healthy and we have no issues with them but DW thinks that she doesn’t want to burden anyone else with her responsibilities. (I think that’s a bit silly because this one of the only possible ways of making some “couple-time”)

I feel that it’s so easy to just have an affair or a fling with someone and I do know people who have done that but I can’t do all this as I have some morals and I want to be an example to my children.

All I am looking for is a loving relationship with my DW - Am I asking for too much? Is it an unrealistic wish? I don’t think so!
It’s about making an effort! And it’s the lack of effort that upsets me and concerns me.

We don’t go on date nights, cinema or a even meal together. On top of this if I send a message, I get a response hours later and I am not even exaggerating.

I am trying to stay strong and want to give DW time to turn this around but I certainly won’t be willing to live in a marriage like this for the rest of my life.

Dxbdad Have you tried sitting down and talking to your DW and telling her how you really feel? There’s a lot to be said for the powers of communication.

I don't it's unrealistic OP and it is about making an effort. Do either of you have depressive tendancies? MY DH when he is becoming unwell tends to get a bit ranty and sees himself as a victim and being denied affection. he isn't, and is perfectley happy with our relationship when he is well. It can however be a vicious cycle as when he is being like that, I don't really want to spend that long in his company which probably doesn't help. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, just trying to give a different perspective.

If she doesn't want to go out and leave the DC, how about getting a take-away and eating after the children go to bed, watch a movie and chat and maybe snuggle with a glass of wine without necessarily expecting anything further?

It really sounds like you need to reconnect as a couple as well as parents. It does get easier to get time when the DC get older. I remember when ours started nursery we took an hour to have lunch in a cafe - it felt very decadent. We struggled for babysitters as we'd moved around a lot and didn't have family or people we knew well enough to babysit, so didn't really get much opportunity to go out.

I think if you could change get perspective about allowing grandparents to babysit that might help. I'm sure they want to look after them and it's not abdicating responsibilities is using a family support network and allowing your children to build a bond with their extended family.

I remember saying to my DH that I didn't think it was fair to ask MIL to have my child for an afternoon when I was on maternity leave - I worried she would think I was lazy. It was made very clear to me that nobody felt like that and she was dying to spend some one to one time with him. My son is sooooo close to his grandad in particular and that's a direct result of the time they spend together without us there.

There is a tendancy to view it as them doing you a favour when the reality is often that they enjoy it and would like to do more!

The OP seems to do what he thinks should "work" without treating his wife as an equal and actually listening to her.

This.

about leaving DC’s with GPs - they are both healthy and we have no issues with them but DW thinks that she doesn’t want to burden anyone else with her responsibilities. (I think that’s a bit silly because this one of the only possible ways of making some “couple-time”)

We don’t go on date nights, cinema or a even meal together. On top of this if I send a message, I get a response hours later and I am not even exaggerating.

I am trying to stay strong and want to give DW time to turn this around but I certainly won’t be willing to live in a marriage like this for the rest of my life.

It takes two to turn things around, your attitude seems to be your Wife moulds herself in to who you want her to be/who she used to be when younger or you're off. I can see why she might not be willing to engage with counselling if she's aware of that.

Being concerned about offloading responsibilities on to grandparents isn’t silly. Perhaps she wants to leave asking them to babysit for when you both really need the childcare in an emergency, appointments etc. Not just for 'date nights'. After all the grandparents have done their childrearing and now should be the time for them to enjoy their own pursuits.

What's wrong with replying to your message later in the day if it's not an emergency? I do the same sometimes when busy with the children, DH doesn't mind. In the same way I don’t expect him to instantly reply when he's at work.

You don’t say much about what you love about your Wife as a person herself, it all seems to be about what she can do for you and getting as much child free time as possible.

If you want to prioritise sex, meals out and cinema over family time then leave your marriage, find a child free partner who feels the same way and see your children part time.

It doesn't have to be an either/or situation. You can have sex, meals out ( or my particular favourite - a night out drinking and dancing!) And family time.
It's about having a fulfilled, well rounded family unit.
I would be extremely pissed off of sex, nights out and couple time ceased completely.
Obviously life changes when you've had kids but putting them at the centre of the universe at the expense of everything else is a recipe for disaster