Putting children first and spouse ermm last

[Dxbdad]

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

I would like to suggest he hasn't mentioned that they're living apart at all because he knows as well as anyone it would change the responses he got to his ‘poor neglected little old sole bread winner me’ thread...

Okay, now I’m quite confused. As he clearly says in this post that he comes home and ‘helps’ between 6-8pm, I’m not sure they are living apart.

I think the OP needs to come back and clarify, because I read this thread as a stand-alone. It is pertinent to situation if their living situation is entirely different to the way it’s perceived in this thread as no one can provide appropriate advice.

But he used present tense 'we live in Dubai' in Jan 2018 and on this thread talking about what time he gets home from work.

It would be extremely bizarre to make a thread about feeling neglected and is if you're growing apart and not mention you only see each other every 6 weeks.

Like I said, we don't know though and arguing about how we're reading things is just pointless and not going to shed any light on the situation. And to be honest, if he's seeing them every 6 weeks I still wouldn't change my opinion and might even be more sympathetic to the OP. It's easy to fall into a rut of not working on a relationship when you're knackered with young children and study/work and see each other every day. I'd find it harder to understand if you were only seeing each other for a week every 6 weeks because you'd be missing each other and pleased to see them and make the most of a few days together wouldn't you?

Unless you've already checked out of the relationship and have started your new life without actually telling your spouse it's over.

My db wife never let the grandparents or anyone baby sit either. EVER

10 years on they are separated with zero chance of reconciliation

You need to push this point.

Otherwise as a couple you will die and have nothing in common when kids have gone.

I think they are at a standoff and as much as I was being cheeky,
Wife puts dc first and spouse last
Husband puts money first and family last

Perhaps she is overprotective of them to compensate for attitudes such as ‘so long as they move before the kids are 7 (which was then postponed to 9 in a later thread) then they are being raised in the UK’

The mind boggles. The early years are so formative.

Like I said earlier, it does sound like she has already marked his card and has indeed checked out. But if she has a similar set of values as he does, they are both waiting to see who will ‘blink first’ and be ‘responsible’ for breaking up the family.

Regarding the mental load
This is what I'd do on an average day
My kids are older as well so less work.
Get up
Nag kids to get up dress etc
Shower
Nag kids to get school bags ready
Get breakfast for younger child m
Tidy plates
Get packed lunch sorted
Nag dd to leave for school
Take younger kid to school

Home eat my breakfast

Sort dry laundry out
Hoover
Wash up
Put wash on
Maybe do some work as self employed. This varies
Empty wash machine
Hang washing
Continue to work
Or food shop. Clean as required

Pick younger child up
Prepare tea
Empty lunch boxes
Wash up tea and lunch boxes
Nag about homework.
Take to a club. 3 nights a week
Get home from club
Shower kids
or nag older dd to shower
Maybe ironing

Dh home

We prepare our tea between us
Wash up between us

Nag kids to brush teeth
Get in bed etc

Watch 2 hours of TV
Go to bed

That's my average day and my kids are
10 & 12

You need to be able to see these jobs and do them with out being asked.

And thus doesn't count thing like admin
Changing beds
Booking events
Organising birthdays
Seeing relatives
I could go on forever.

I'm not saying you don't pull your weight at all as I don't know you but I honestly believe many men don't even think or notice these jobs get done.

My dh is good and helpful but he doesn't notice my mental load either.

That's so true, @madeyemoodysmum and add to party arrangements and sending out invitations plus booking the hall and party entertainer, also remembering to buy pressies and birthday cards for the DDs to take to the parties they're invited to. (DD2 gets invited to loads of parties. Plus remembering to RSVP. My DH doesn't even notice that sort of thing. Yes, he does the actual pressie wrapping as he's good at that but I remind him nag him to to it.

Arrange play dates, entertain their friends when they come here. My DDs wouldn't have any social life otherwise. It's a pleasure but it's something I do for them that my DH wouldn't think of doing.

Hands up who is willing to bet the OP will never be seen on Mumsnet again using their current screen-name...

🙋‍♀️

NotTaken

OP
How old are you - if your in your 30s ask yourself one thing
Do you really want to go into your 40s or possibly 50s and be in the same crap situation as you are now a loveless sexless marriage . Because from your side that's exactly what you have .

Your wife Is very unlikely to change , what will change is that most likely someone will turn your head , offer you affection and you will probably act on it .

I keep scrolling past this hoping the op has come back to explain all the conflicting information... I’m not surprised he hasn’t, just wish he would as it would be an interesting read...

Perhaps he's whining because when he comes back for a visit, she's busy getting on with stuff rather than instantly jumping on his dick and taking care of the 6 weeks worth of dirty washing he's brought home...

You sound like you are Trying so hard! Can you start going out with your friends one or two evenings a week, to focus on something else. They say the heart grows fonder and all that with distance