Putting children first and spouse ermm last

[Dxbdad]

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

It sounds as if both of you are parents and that's it. Id be bored shitless tbh. No hobbies/interests? Do you both go to cinema etc on occasion? Holiday? It doesn't matter how much you talk, how many chores are attended to, if there's no interest in a relationship with you. Im baffled as to why the grandparents arent deemed suitable enough to babysit. Are they unwell? You can give talking a try though and I wish you luck.

It's like a parallel universe Nottaken , I can practically see those posters flicking their hair and batting their eye lashes (apart from the ones who are clearly also men whose wives don't understand them...)

In the early years in some relationships it can be a bit ‘mum looks after babies’, ‘dad looks after mum’ as a model of coping with the intense needs and responsibilities.

From what you say, you are sharing the load of domestic responsibility. I think you should continue to try to inject the fun into family life though - not just to improve your relationship but to improve family life and benefit your children - so days out, trips and holidays, fun outdoor activities. She might start to see that they like these things and benefit. And if you are not going to at least assert some of your wants and needs, like to have a holiday, then thats no life. You might find the kids starting school will be a big change time - the early years are hard.

As a woman who did split with her dc's dad I just wanted what you did,to be part of a loving relationship. Have you tried romance. Text her short comments like morning sexy. and kiss her when you go out and when you come home. Don't do more than hug her. Make her know you want her but don't go any further. By doing this you can say later this week you wish you could go on a date via texted. Then don't mention it in person. You love this woman so make her feel there is a connection.If all this fails then tell her does she want to be a couple or would she rather you leave.

It’s a strange thread for sure.
“Sounds like you’re a great dad” really jumped out at me.
I’m wondering what that poster has read to conclude that? Are their expectations of a man so low that reading a bit with the kids makes up for huffing and feeling neglected for four years (when his first child was born four years ago..)
A huffing manchild is not attractive. Sad but true - a lot of marriages would thrive if women were turned on by such behaviour.

It does get better ...first few years if I'm honest I felt loved out with the kids and would have happily lived in an all woman commune with the children. I barely tolerated dh though to be fair he was working long hours so we were ships that passed in the night plus was on a terrible pill that took away my entire sex drove
Now all kids at school and I'm back at work I genuinely feel like I've fell in love with my husband all over again - it's no longer a battle of who had the hardest life and who is most tired and our sex life is brilliant ...if you'd asked me three years ago I would've said we were more like flat mates with kids but we have come through the other side and it's great now
I think those early years there is a natural contraception of focusing on the kids to stop you having millions of babies maybe as all my female mum friends were the same

Nottaken, what an odd view.
It's not unheard of for women to make mistakes in relationships and for a husband to actually be a genuinely good guy. I chose to take his post at face value and believe what he said just as I would if a woman posted the same about her husband. It's awful to assume that because he's a man his post can't be true.

Programmed by the patriarchy...😂😂😂😂

I would think about splitting up. There’s nothing wrong with separating, as long as a stable and loving environment is provided for the kids.

OP booked two surprise holidays. His DW found them difficult.

Ok, once is a misstep. Fine. Some would like it, some would find it stressful and an experience that would further highlight their husband’s lack of knowledge about the children’s individual needs. (Guess OP didn’t notice the picky eating while he feeds them each evening ).

Twice is not a misstep. Twice is telling your wife “I hear your words but you are wrong so we’ll just have another surprise and you will enjoy it, whether you like it or not.” Then OP can tell everyone how ungrateful DW is when she doesn’t fall at his feet in praise for booking a surprise weekend of hell trip.

This guy doesn’t want to save his marriage. He just couldn’t live with himself if he broke up the family. Two different things and this is the reason why it WILL ultimately fail and he will go around with his conscience clear because he has carefully manipulated it to appear as though he ‘did everything he could’.

He wants to save his conscience and his reputation. He wants to save himself.

I know it takes 2 to tango But for all the posts attacking the OP Just ask yourselves this....
When OP gets so miserable and dejected (and he's well on his way) and some OW / Jezebel throw him a crumb of affection , what will you be telling the DW when she asks on Mumsnet :
It just came out of the blue.
He seemed happy. What can I do???
Because by then the damage will have been done and the kids lose big time......
And don't think it can't happen to you because it can.
Kids first means working on the relationship. You get out what you put in.
Good luck OP and Mrs OP.

Wow 🙌🙌🙌🙌 amazing inference skills there. 😂

You get out what you put in......she isn’t putting anything in by the sounds of it

I think you're getting a hard time here and if this was a woman posting them I suspect the answers would be different.
The only thing I would mention is don't refer to your contribution to parenting and house work as 'help' it suggests it's all her responsibility.

Unfortunately I have see this scenario play out a couple of times among friends - although we're not really friends anymore as nothing else exists in their world other than their kids and not only has this had an impact on their relationship but it's affected their friendships too as they only time I can see them is if I go to their house at a time that suits them - even though I have children too!

I strongly disagree with concept of children come first ....for me it's family comes first . It's important that the relationship with my DH is strong as I feel we are setting an example to our children. This means mummy and daddy doing things together without the children and the children understanding the importance of this. For example this weekend we're having a family trip to the cinema but then we're dropping the kids off at Grandma's and we're off out as DH worked away this week and when he returned his focus was on catching up with the kids. Saturday night will be our time....and that's healthy! We don't do it every week but we try to spend our evenings together - sharing a bottle of wine and catching up on our lives

I also think not letting family babysit is incredibly selfish. As long as you think they are capable ( and most are...they raised us after all!!) Then not only are they doing you a favour but they are building bonds and relationships with their grandchildren. It's healthy to let them do this without parents being around. Some off my happiest childhood memories are staying at grandparents and bring spoilt rotten!

Unfortunately some women change when they have children and I guess only you know whether you're willing to ride it out to see if you can get some semblance of a relationship back. Sounds pretty miserable tor though.

OW / Jezebel throw him a crumb of affection

Jezabel. Nice.

What Thirtyrock said 👍🏼

Those who castigate the OP on this and other similar threads tend to say that of course the kids should always come first (actually a lot of psychologists say this is a bad move) and that it is important that Mum gets her own down time.

So, they are basically agreeing with the OP. Kids must come first, Mum comes second, Dad comes last. They are therefore basically saying that it is important to look after your kids and look after yourself but not important to look after your marriage or relationship (which is not the same thing as looking after your partner).

Thing is, ensuring you're on the same page and having a happy supporting relationship during these often fraught years is actually also putting your kids first because they'll be growing up in a better atmosphere.

Dxbdad Sorry you've been on the receiving end of dad-bashing, can't understand what happens here sometimes.

Some years ago as a SAHM with 2 x DC, I also ran our business from home while DH worked in the field, so we both had really full days and really tired but still found time to spend with the kids, and more importantly, with each other. We made time for holidays each year, never expensive holidays, but something we all enjoyed. We also made time for social events (concerts, movies, etc) for ourselves and the DCs went to grandparents for the night or sometimes would be picked up on the way home, even though both GPs didn't do things how we did at home but it was important for DCs to have alone time with GPs, as much as it was important for us to have 'couples' time.

From what you've said, it seems to me that DW has checked out of the marriage, which is hard to fathom as being a SAHM is a blessing and not a decision either of you make lightly. Really hard too, when she won't sit down and discuss how you both feeling, no wonder you are in a bind.

Do you think some time apart might make her realise how good she's got it? although this is not normally something I would suggest, but she needs to put on her big girl pants and understand she is not in this marriage on her own and your needs have to be considered too.

Really hope something changes for you because you sound really down and out and that's not fair to either party.

Bla have you read the thread? He isn't getting a hard time! At least half the posters are telling him he's a great dad because he's the breadwinner and asks what he can do to help his wife with her chores (at least nobody has actually used the word babysits), and his wife is a lazy, crazy, ungrateful old user... He isn't getting a hard time overall at all.

I think MN has turned into nethuns for this thread.

How about booking a weekend away and you organise a babysitter for some quality time? Take her shopping or something she would like to do and let her choose where to each lunch... I bet she appriaciates it and you will probably see she will make an effort back... x

Did she have difficult births?

You said you were childhood sweethearts have either of you been with anyone else?

Hi OP I posted something very similar a few years back, tried everything suggested and got minimal back. Communication is at an all time low, we are parents and that is it. I have a responsibility to do 50% of the parenting while bringing in 100% of the finances. Kids are now 6 and 8 and I doubt things will improve with DW. I can't afford to run two households to make 50\50 childcare work. So I'm staying til DW is financially independent, or I can afford two homes, or til the kids are grown.

It's lonely and depressing, there is no laughter or lust left, only loyalty. If you can, find a way to talk. If not get out. If you can't do either, read MN and see how much worse your relationship could be!

@oblomov18 yes,yes,yes!! Agree with you 100% and have been slated for this opinion amongst a small group of my friends.

ItStarted Have you actually read the thread? She won't allow even the grandparents to babysit!

I should have rephrased that to some people are giving him a hard time . I wanted to show my support as I've seen this play out in real life and it's not pretty.

I really feel for him as it sounds like a pretty miserable existence.

There were a few people having a go at him for booking not one but two surprise holidays .....he's trying and she sounds like she looking to find fault with everything

@keepithidden I'm so sorry you are in that situation. It's no way to live your life and I hope it improves in the future for all of you.